[ohmydaisy]

I lost my brother almost 2 years ago. He was crossing the street and got hit by a driver that was speeding and not paying attention to the road. My brother was DOA.

I’ve been in therapy for the last 4 months trying to process my grief, because well, I wasn’t in a place to process it at the time. I was the person that took care of all burial arrangements, talked to PD and attorney. I made sure my family was taken care of too. I also felt immense amount of guilt that I didn’t want to feel and checked out emotionally. So, I’m processing it now, sort of.

I’ve been disconnected emotionally and it’s been difficult to maneuver--deciphering my emotions and continuing relationships with others because of a wall.

Anyway, getting to the point, I’ve been instructed to write an apology letter to my brother. This assignment was given to me maybe a month ago. I barely started on it with the push from my partner. The reason it took me so long is because I got stuck on the word “apology”. I feel wrong apologizing to someone that’s no longer here because they can’t accept the apology if they wanted, and it almost seems selfish to do that for myself. I take issue with it. And the letter (of what I have so far) isn’t apologetic, it just sounds frustrated and me making excuses for myself.

However, my most recent therapy session, my therapist told me to put that letter on hold and to write myself a letter. She said something about forgiveness. To forgive myself. I’m drawing a blank because I don’t understand what that means. I understand that it’s what you’re supposed to do, like say, “It’s okay” when someone is late to a meeting or for coffee. You’re supposed to let that go because it’s not supposed to be a big deal. But in cases like when a friend lied to me about having cancer and milked everyone’s sympathy, I ended up cutting her out of my life. I couldn’t forgive that because that was beyond emotionally taxing. Or when someone cheats, I walked out. So this letter of forgiving myself, I don’t understand it. I can tell myself that I forgive myself of what I did at the age of 11, but what doesn’t that mean?

Some may say “it’s letting go”. But I don’t quite understand that phrase either.

I’ve been googling “forgiveness”, “apology”, and “amends”. The description all feels so similar and so vague.

How does one apologize to someone that’s gone and how does one forgive oneself?

[CANDC]

hi ohmydaisy. I am sorry for the loss of your brother. That must be rough for you to go through.

When I want to forgive myself I want to let go of feeling responsible. I want to admit where I was wrong at earlier points in life and should have done things differently. I want to let go of my expectations of what I wished they had done for me.

I also want to reinvent who I am. When someone dies, part of us dies with them. It is like the family member is not on the outside only, but we create an embodiment of them in the inside. That one dies too. That part of us represented there needs to be reinvented.

So there is a lot to let go. If that is what forgiveness means to you, then maybe that is a direction to head in.

We also need to release our loved one and let them go. That is for me is also what forgiveness is. We no longer hold onto them, the expectations of what they can do for us, and any responsibility we ever harbored for them or their life. If you can do that that is a good start.

[Gus1234U]

perhaps, Daisy, it's a matter of trying to do too many things at a time~
meditation is the practice of noticing.... what you are feeling, what thoughts you are generating, what keeps arising... and learning to just allow those things to be OK... isn't that really what forgiveness is ? just allowing things to be OK ? you are grieving, that's OK.... you are having difficulty doing things other people suggest,, that's OK..... you don't understand words that have no context for you,,,, that's OK~!

there are some awesome sound tracks, called Binaural Beats, that can help the brain (yes, the physical organ) to calm down and improve focus... that might help you. i would recommend you start with the Theta and Delta inducing sound tracks, as those are the ones that go deep and are calming. here is a link, in case you want to try them (be sure to use stereo earphones, as the different subliminal beat in each ear is the key to it's success.)

may you have peace of mind, and the causes of peace of mind~

The don’t understand the assignments either.

You did mention feeling an immense amount of guilt in your post. Is this what your therapist is targeting?

Perhaps you could just write about how you feel, and leave the rest to be written after you see the therapist again.

I am so sorry for your loss

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by ohmydaisy

I lost my brother almost 2 years ago. He was crossing the street and got hit by a driver that was speeding and not paying attention to the road. My brother was DOA.

I’ve been in therapy for the last 4 months trying to process my grief, because well, I wasn’t in a place to process it at the time. I was the person that took care of all burial arrangements, talked to PD and attorney. I made sure my family was taken care of too. I also felt immense amount of guilt that I didn’t want to feel and checked out emotionally. So, I’m processing it now, sort of.

I’ve been disconnected emotionally and it’s been difficult to maneuver--deciphering my emotions and continuing relationships with others because of a wall.

Anyway, getting to the point, I’ve been instructed to write an apology letter to my brother. This assignment was given to me maybe a month ago. I barely started on it with the push from my partner. The reason it took me so long is because I got stuck on the word “apology”. I feel wrong apologizing to someone that’s no longer here because they can’t accept the apology if they wanted, and it almost seems selfish to do that for myself. I take issue with it. And the letter (of what I have so far) isn’t apologetic, it just sounds frustrated and me making excuses for myself.

However, my most recent therapy session, my therapist told me to put that letter on hold and to write myself a letter. She said something about forgiveness. To forgive myself. I’m drawing a blank because I don’t understand what that means. I understand that it’s what you’re supposed to do, like say, “It’s okay” when someone is late to a meeting or for coffee. You’re supposed to let that go because it’s not supposed to be a big deal. But in cases like when a friend lied to me about having cancer and milked everyone’s sympathy, I ended up cutting her out of my life. I couldn’t forgive that because that was beyond emotionally taxing. Or when someone cheats, I walked out. So this letter of forgiving myself, I don’t understand it. I can tell myself that I forgive myself of what I did at the age of 11, but what doesn’t that mean?

Some may say “it’s letting go”. But I don’t quite understand that phrase either.

I’ve been googling “forgiveness”, “apology”, and “amends”. The description all feels so similar and so vague.

How does one apologize to someone that’s gone and how does one forgive oneself?

Good question and not an easy one to answer. I've had an assignment to write a letter to my dad. It was hard, but once I got into it I emotional attached to the letter. Part of the Prolonged Exposure therapy I did I was then suppose to read that letter daily. Eventually the letter wasn't that hard to read. The letter is not for your brother, it's for you. As a tool to help you work through this. Nothing about this process is easy. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. Just know that and don't give up on feeling better.

[ohmydaisy]

Originally Posted by CANDC

hi ohmydaisy. I am sorry for the loss of your brother. That must be rough for you to go through.

When I want to forgive myself I want to let go of feeling responsible. I want to admit where I was wrong at earlier points in life and should have done things differently. I want to let go of my expectations of what I wished they had done for me.

I also want to reinvent who I am. When someone dies, part of us dies with them. It is like the family member is not on the outside only, but we create an embodiment of them in the inside. That one dies too. That part of us represented there needs to be reinvented.

So there is a lot to let go. If that is what forgiveness means to you, then maybe that is a direction to head in.

We also need to release our loved one and let them go. That is for me is also what forgiveness is. We no longer hold onto them, the expectations of what they can do for us, and any responsibility we ever harbored for them or their life. If you can do that that is a good start.

I think that's a thing I'm struggling with, I'm not sure what "letting go" means either. It's not tangible. I understand accepting a person as they are, but letting go is a different idea (at least in my mind for some reason).

Letting go of the responsibility is forgiving yourself? I may have to sit and ponder on that for a bit. Thank you for your thought and advice.

[ohmydaisy]

Originally Posted by Gus1234U

perhaps, Daisy, it's a matter of trying to do too many things at a time~
meditation is the practice of noticing.... what you are feeling, what thoughts you are generating, what keeps arising... and learning to just allow those things to be OK... isn't that really what forgiveness is ? just allowing things to be OK ? you are grieving, that's OK.... you are having difficulty doing things other people suggest,, that's OK..... you don't understand words that have no context for you,,,, that's OK~!

there are some awesome sound tracks, called Binaural Beats, that can help the brain (yes, the physical organ) to calm down and improve focus... that might help you. i would recommend you start with the Theta and Delta inducing sound tracks, as those are the ones that go deep and are calming. here is a link, in case you want to try them (be sure to use stereo earphones, as the different subliminal beat in each ear is the key to it's success.)

may you have peace of mind, and the causes of peace of mind~

That very well may be the problem, trying to do all of that at once. For me, I tend to dissect things intellectually, and that has no place in emotions, from what I've been told. I'm trying to dissect this apology letter to my deceased brother (and can't get over the hurdle of 'can't apologize to a dead person, this is stupid') and also a letter of forgiveness to myself.

I've tried meditating and I just get angry at myself that I can't do it haha.

I will definitely check out Binaural Beats, I'll take any suggestions that I haven't yet tried. Thank you for your thoughts and advice.

[ohmydaisy]

Originally Posted by key tones

The don’t understand the assignments either.

You did mention feeling an immense amount of guilt in your post. Is this what your therapist is targeting?

Perhaps you could just write about how you feel, and leave the rest to be written after you see the therapist again.

I am so sorry for your loss

The feeling of guilt was discovered when I realized that this apology letter was for myself, written to my brother. A letter that's only purpose is to make myself feel better and getting stuck on the word "apology" seemed selfish, which in turn makes me feel guilt.

She told me to put that apology letter on hold, and to focus on the forgiveness letter to myself. Which seems silly, but I'm sure there's a purpose for that. Which I haven't really dissected yet. I may just disguise this as a journal entry and maybe it will turn into something, like free writing?

Thank you for your thoughts and advice.

[ohmydaisy]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Good question and not an easy one to answer. I've had an assignment to write a letter to my dad. It was hard, but once I got into it I emotional attached to the letter. Part of the Prolonged Exposure therapy I did I was then suppose to read that letter daily. Eventually the letter wasn't that hard to read. The letter is not for your brother, it's for you. As a tool to help you work through this. Nothing about this process is easy. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. Just know that and don't give up on feeling better.

That's the phrase I keep hearing, "it gets worse before it gets better". I keep having random spurts of tears that I can't quite pinpoint (where it's coming from emotionally), but I'm sure I'll get there.

I think that's why I'm getting stuck on it, that this letter is for myself essentially, but it's guised as an "apology" letter to my brother, which doesn't sit well with me.

Thank you for sharing and your thoughts.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by ohmydaisy

That's the phrase I keep hearing, "it gets worse before it gets better". I keep having random spurts of tears that I can't quite pinpoint (where it's coming from emotionally), but I'm sure I'll get there.

I think that's why I'm getting stuck on it, that this letter is for myself essentially, but it's guised as an "apology" letter to my brother, which doesn't sit well with me.

Thank you for sharing and your thoughts.

Maybe you should rewrite the letter to be something you want to express to your brother. There's nothing wrong with apologizing. I think we all can look back at our lives and especially with ones that have passed on and feel some type of regret. But you shouldn't have to apologize for a regret. A regret is punishment enough for most of us. But you know all this stems from guilt. This is something your therapist should help you work through without dragging you through the mud about it. Healing has it's ups and downs, so be patient with yourself.