Does it really ever get better

Yesterday made 18 months since my husband passed away, March 14th would have been our 3rd wedding anniversary and March 31st would have been his 40th birthday. He will be gone 2 years September 4th. I'm falling apart, every single day it seems to get harder and harder. In the span of a week I lost my aunt, three days later a good friend, and two days later lost my husband.

Losing him has been the hardest thing to deal with, my friends and family don't understand they think that I should be okay. After he passed away I spent 5 months in bed. I shut down closed out the world. I lost him, lost my job, my home, my vehicle, everything in my life fell apart. I seen several doctors including a therapist and psychiatrist that all told me to grieve naturally and use essential oils so I gave up trying to get professional help.

I would wake up almost everyday with anxiety attacks, do nothing but cry all the time, isolate myself from everyone. After about 6 months got a vehicle, went back to work, then I started getting really sick with ocular migraines causing me to go blind for hours, my body hurt so bad I cried every night leaving work, and was getting really sick.

I went to my doctor and was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer, got terminated from my job because I missed too much work. All I could think about was how angry I was at my husband because here I was alone, having to go through this with no emotional support from my friends, my family, or him. I'm still so very angry at him because if he would have taken care of himself better, took his diabetes medication, and listened to his doctors he could have still been here.

He was the only person ever in my life that supported me emotionally, the only person I could ever trust, and now he's gone. I lost him I lost my family, my future with him. He balanced me, got me to where my life was good for the first time in 30 years. He accepted me for who I was, accepted my children and made them his own.They had a stable father for the first time in their lives, they had security, a steady home. Losing him has destroyed me in ways I never imagined was possible.

I feel like when he died I died with him and to be sick on top of it I am so lost. Everyone who said they would be there have all walked away because I'm just too sad and it brings them down. I barely sleep because I dream about him every time I close my eyes. I wake up in tears having severe anxiety attacks. My friends and family don't understand how difficult this is for me.

I held him and seen the pain in his eyes when he died and that haunts me more than anyone could ever imagine. Then the regrets kick in, why didn't I fight with him to get him to take better care of himself, why did I spend so much time taking things for granted, why didn't I tell him more often how much he meant to me, etc.

It's all a mess and I'm drowning. I can't seem to get past this and I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried dating and I can't. I keep looking for him in every man I talk to. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better with time but it only seems to be getting worse. I'm to the point I'm ceasing to function. The thought of leaving my house sets me into anxiety attacks, being around people including my children is almost unbearable anymore.

I feel like I'm failing everyone because I can't deal with the grief and depression. But instead of understanding my friends and family get mad at me because I don't want to leave the house. They don't talk to me, they don't invite me to family functions or for the holidays, they don't even call to make sure I'm ok.

I feel like I've lost everything and every day it gets harder and harder. I try to be strong for my children but it's becoming harder to do. Most days I just want to die so I don't have to feel the pain anymore. No I'm not suicidal I don't want to kill myself I just don't want to exist. I just really don't know how much longer I can stand feeling this way. My world is very empty and lonely. There's a void that is so deep I'm not sure I can ever come back from it. Sorry so long, I just needed to get it out.

I am so sorry that all this has happened. You have had a truck load of things to deal with. Even one event on it's own would be devastating enough let alone all the others piled on top. No wonder you feel the way you do.

Are you under a doctor's care for your cancer and migraines? Grief has a huge impact on our physical and emotional condition. You have been so debilitated that you need and deserve professional help. Find and doctor and therapist that do give a d a m n. Let them know about what is happening right now. Maybe even give them a copy of what you have said in the post above if that makes things any easier.

Feel free to continue to post here. You are heard.

Thank you. I haven't been to a doctor in about 5 months, well have had several er visits due to pancreatitis. I started therapy a few months after he passed away which did not last long because I needed to talk and she was just worried about me building boundaries. I seen my doctor who referred me to a psychiatrist who spoke to me for a whole 3 minutes then put me on bipolar medications and sedatives but never scheduled any therapy and told me to grieve naturally. Went to the ER having an anxiety attack so bad I thought I was dying, I was told they could not prescribe me anything and I needed to grieve naturally. Made an appointment with my doctor but she was on vacation so seen the PA. She told me to take Niacin, use essential oils and aromatherapy to help me grieve. Plus seen two other doctors in my medical facility and was told to grieve naturally. As for the cancer I haven't been back to the doctor to have anything checked. Last er visits they checked my blood levels to make sure they weren't the cause of the problems I was having. Its manageable , as long as I don't allow my blood to get thick and clot and my levels aren't high enough to need to be addressed medically I just stay away from the doctor. I told my GP and eye doctor about the migraines and the random blindness. I was told to keep taking my aspirin and make sure if the headaches and blindness last over a certain period of time to come in. After several different doctors, several different professional backgrounds, I'm fed up. But between the depression, anxiety, grief, and everything else going on it's made it really hard for me to care anymore about everything. I have no middle ground, either I care too much or not at all. That usually depends on my stress level that day, if my sugar is elevated, and if I've been up for days at a time. Everyone acts like I want to be this way, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I want to be ok, I want to not wake up not being able to breath when I realize my husband isn't in bed beside me and never will be ever again. I would like to sleep without the nightmares that cause me to wake up because I'm crying in my sleep. I would like to make it through one damn day without being trapped inside my own head to the point I can't get out of bed. I would like to be able to move on and not search for him in every man I talk to because it's devastating not to find it. That's when I stop talking to them because I trying to find the one thing I never will because he's gone. He knew the horrible things about me but loved me anyway. He made me want to be a better person. Things were going great, we had both grown a lot as people because we had each other. We both had good jobs making decent money, we were leasing a vehicle, we were moving into a house with our kids, our family, our future. And in an instance it was all gone, everything. How do you recover from that? How do you ever stop feeling defective and broken?

You may be broken at the moment but you’re not defective. Greiving a spouse can take years. I’m so sorry you are going through this. My only advice is to call bull crap on anyone telling you to “grieve naturally.” If you are asking for help then you probably need it. It is not uncommon to have chemical help to get over a really rough spot our life.

I do get frustrated with the impatience of others when they feel like we have grieved “long enough.” I lost 2 sisters this last year and I’m not anywhere near being “OK” or back to normal.

It’s going to be hard but keep trying to get help. You deserve it. Try not to burden yourself with guilt that you aren’t snapping back fast enough.

Our grown children never bother with me and never ask me out either so learning how to live all over again is the hardest thing ever.