Old Memories

Hello! I hope you're all doing well today. As for me, it's a little bit complicated.

A good friend of mine passed away years ago. I wasn't the best person and I often lashed out. But he brought the best out of me. He was the greatest friend I could've ever asked for. He gave me kindness that, at the time with all the things I've done, I really didn't deserve. If anyone challenged him, tried to get on his bad side, or anything of that nature; he'd always be there to give them a helping hand. No matter how harshly he was treated.

We were kids when we met and teenagers when he left my life. It struck me so hard when it happened. Everything started to shatter and fall apart. All the mutual friends we had gradually drifted apart and I was left to reflect on what happened. I had no friends at that point and everything was so quiet. I couldn't stand going to the school we attended anymore, so I asked my mom to put me in a virtual school, instead.

I was isolated for so long. Blaming myself for what happened. Wishing that I could just see him one last time. I had become emotionally fragile and developed a crippling fear of people losing interest and leaving. Obviously, that's not what happened. He didn't "abandon" me. But I didn't want to lose anyone else. I wanted to do anything I could to appeal to them so I wouldn't be alone anymore. I was so desperate those next couple years.

Which resulted in me getting emotionally abused by people who saw me as an easy target. It really shut me away from human interaction. I didn't want to talk to people. Whenever I did and got close, they'd leave in one way or another. I didn't know what to do.

I've managed to cope with these feelings over the years. Now I'm laying here in my bed, looking up at the ceiling, remembering all the good times I shared with my friend. All the happiness he gave me. All the friends we had. Everything that was shared with me, even though he had no reason to. He just did it out of the kindness of his heart. Because he was the nicest, most capable person I had ever seen.

It hurts. Even now, it does. The pain is dull, yet festering. It's there, like a slight hum in the back of your head. Staying there. Almost impossible to ignore. I wrote a letter that was dedicated to him and I said everything that was on my mind. I said everything that I wanted to say to him in that letter. It helped give me clarity, in a way.

I'm still afraid, of course. I still distance myself from people. I still get anxious at the thought of someone knowing me past an acquaintance level. So I've had a consistent feeling of loneliness since then. The gaping hole in my heart isn't as big as it was before. Sometimes it still aches. But it's healing.

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm trying to improve. For me, for him, for everyone that I know now. It's just difficult to develop close connections with people now. Have any of you dealt with this? Is there any advice you could spare?

Thank you so much for reading. This is really important to me and almost broke my heart trying to write. Have a great day.

Thanks for sharing this. I'm sorry you lost such a good friend. But I'm glad your heart is healing even if ever so gradually. I can't say I've ever had this kind of experience. I never had many friends to begin with. And the few I had never achieved this kind of depth. As a result there's probably not a lot of advice I can offer.

My own go-to practice for this kind of heartache is the practice of compassionate abiding. Perhaps you're familiar with it? I simply welcome the thought, breathe into it, & smile to it. I may even place a hand over my heart as a sign of lovingkindness & compassion for it. Then, after a few moments, I let go of the thought itself & simply continue to breathe into whatever emotion lies below the thought be it sadness, fear, regret (or even joy!) It is a Buddhist practice I learned from reading the books of the Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön. May it be of benefit.

I have never lost anyone close to me, so I can't relate. I'm sorry you lost your friend, but I think it is good you had him in your life for a while. Writing that letter to him was a really good idea. Maybe you could do it on a regular basis (like keep a diary with letters dedicated to him). I read a novel once where they girl lost her father and wrote letters to him after that (addressing them to him on the Road to Heaven). I don't know how you feel about Heaven, but the letter idea sounds therapeutic to me.

Have you tried therapy? Or grief support groups? I go to a depression support group, and I find that extremely helpful (much more so than therapy actually). It just helps me to talk to others who get what I am going through. Just a thought.

I'm sorry you lost someone that you loved dearly. I can't imagine how much that has affected your life.

I do understand isolation and distancing myself from others though. I've been in therapy since January, trying to fix a lot of parts of myself. I lost my brother 2 years ago and haven't really allowed myself to grieve and I pull away from others unfairly.

I don't have much to advise on, but having some guidance to heal yourself would be a good start. It's a weird concept of sharing the deepest parts of myself to a stranger, but I think it's helping to some degree.

Have you thought about therapy?