For Parents of Estranged Adult Children-Introduce Yourself

@TunedOut

I have also been turning to God and prayer recently. I have felt the need for a deeper and more meaningful faith.

I also have been looking at my genealogy. I actually broke some of the negative patterns. It's not easy the patterns are long and deeply ingrained. This is what my book is about.

I have seen character traits skip generations. My mother and my daughter both married repeatedly. Not twice but in my mother's case 5 times. My daughter four. Looking for Mr. Goodyear.

My granddaughter is more like me. She is reserved and does not act out. She is nothing like my daughter, her mother. I'm not much like my mother. As I said my mother saw my children rarely and they were not close. My daughter does not even know the details of her life.

I believe it is both structural, role modeling and spiritual. By structural I mean brain structure. If we can resemble others physically then so too can our brains. Brains vary a lot and some have less capacity for empathy than others and chemical makeup also effects empathy.

T h ere is a Ted talk that explains lot. The speakers name is
James Fallon, like the late night host. He is a neuroscientist who studied the brains of killers. He discovered something very strange. If you can find it it's very interesting. If you have any trouble finding it and you want to see it let me know.

Good to know that you are focused on your happiness. Some people have an abundance of empathy and forget to include sell.
I'm working ok raking on caring more for me. I even tell myself
"Good job" and other affirmations. It works.

Thanks for your post.

We both agree on this. (Children need love and understanding.) They also need boundaries which has never been my strength but I am working on it.

People have also manipulated me but I am learning to recognize better when it is happening and am slowly learning to say "no", withdraw when people are so upset they are lashing out, and to not keep giving to people who don't give back.

My pain still comes and goes occassionally. I think we can continue to make progress towards focussing on bringing our lives joy. The more we do that and the more we stop focussing on those that have caused us pain--the better life can be.

Oh I forgot to comment on your statement about the emotional state of the mother. I have yet to meet a perfect mother. I have never met a person whose childhood was without occasional strife.

I was at times depressed when my kids were young. Like you we talked. I took t them to see my therapist to help them understand..that it wasn't about them.

Lots of parents , especially when I was young explained nothing. Do as you are told was the rule. Yet somehow we did not abandon our parents or show total disrespect. We did not abandon our children when they were difficult. No one escapes childhood without some neurosis. As an adult one takes responsibility and finds their way.

So no doubt we were flawed. We did nothing to deserve this. I know you do not think and did not say that our children are justified in doing what was done to us.
It's just that life is hard. Harder for some than others. I want to tell my kids to grow up! Sorry if I'm ranting.

I agree!

Here’s the ultimate example of extreme changes taking place in family dynamics. The Queen is going through all this, too... just saying!
Meghan Markle and Prince Harry are stepping down from royal family roles — and many are cheering them on

In my case, I maintained boundaries. The fallout was about boundaries. We held firm and he abandoned us over it. I feel we did the right thing and were honestly being good parents by sticking to our principles. Maybe in time our relationship will repair and a valuable lesson will be learned. Honor thy father and mother.

It’s like when you stand up to any bully. They’re not going to like it. You walk away with your self esteem. They are fuming mad.

Tisha
Thank you for understanding my point. I know I had issues. Who doesn't?.

I regret trying as hard as I have to be "fair" and to hear my adult children's complaints. I was so shocked when I heard that they had concerns I needed to know what they were!

So what were they? I was gone too much. They don't suggest I was out dancing! They acknowledge that I was working or attending class.

My son said I should have gotten married! Imagine! He thought he was entitled to make that decision for me! He remembered a man I was dating who wanted to marry me, when my son was 8 years old. Ahem. He was an attorney.
What my son did not know is he got lost in cocaine. I did not use drugs. In fact no one who knew him then knows where he is now.

Should have seen my son's face when I told him that! I did not share that with an eight year old.

So, I worked too hard. I did not make enough money. I chose to remain single.

My daughter's complaints are more in the present. My husband and I did so much for her. After I was hospitalized in 2015 with a serious health issue. I almost died. We began doing less for her. In fact I even asked her to drive me to an appointment a few times. She did so one time. Then suddenly was too busy.
Then she said she did not want to see me anymore.

Basically I was requiring some of her time. She drinks a lot and it has gotten worse in the past five years. I pray that she hits bottom.

Both of my children when asked have stated that they felt loved and safe.

I wish I could tell them how I feel. I never have. I think it's a bad idea so I have not.

Maybe you can focus on telling them about the love you have for them. After the shyt hit the fan with my son, I’m trying to move forward still as his mother after the fallout. I sent him a birthday gift and he thanked me. I wasn’t sure if he’d tell me to shove it. I’m okay with that I let money talk and it worked, at least for the moment. Why should I punish him forever? I chose to put away the incident and hope to eventually rebuild a relationship. We’ll see. It takes two.

Thank you for this. This has been going on for five years. I did make attempts to resolve things with them. I listened and agreed that life was difficult. I was completely alone as were they. I had no extended family at the time. Their father showed up to see them once or twice a year. I left their father and he could not cope so he abandoned his children. I can't imagine not seeing my children except once a year.

This created a very difficult situation. I was gone a lot and they had wonderful child care givers but no family. It would have helped so much to have a sibling or anyone. So yes they suffered and their emotional needs were not always met.

My son and I made a decision to work on reconnecting, although as a young adult he was at our home often. We agreed to certain things and it was going well until I was hospitalized again. Things fell apart badly. I was again seriously physically ill.

Perhaps the fear of losing me is a factor. I'm all they ever had. But he withdrew and has no desire to see me. It makes no sense I agree. His reasoning is so superficial? He is 46 years old remember. I believe the ball is in their court. Of course I have not shared all of the details but he was cruel beyond belief when I was in the hospital and ... I think he needs to come to me.

I think his behavior is based in extreme self centeredness and I can no longer justify coddling him. It's time he gives to me. I have always given and I think that is the reason for his attitude.

I'm open to contacting both of them at some point. When and what to say is one of the things I intend to explore here.

I'm so happy that you are working out things with your son. I have forgiven and begun anew repeatedly with both of my children. I give and give. I need them to give back now.

Just a quick note -- I'm going over to my son's house to "hang out" in a little while. I may be on the other side of this. I hope so but take nothing for granted.

My son and I were never estranged but my daughter was. She would not respond to me and initiated nothing, except Christmas cards with photos of her family, for about 5 years. We've been talking for about 2 now. First year was better than this last one, but contact has not been shut down again. I'm hopeful we may move forward again but can't know -- and can't control -- whether that will happen or not.

When she first stopped talking to me my psychiatrist at the time said, "Well, she's an adult." I was horrified. Her not talking to me was, to me, WRONG. So, what could I do about it? Nothing, apparently. And he didn't think there was anything so necessarily bad or wrong about it. Just something for me to accept? To me that was incomprehensible. I called and asked for another appointment, got one the next day I think, for him to try to explain this to me. I still didn't agree with him after the appointment but understood that was his point of view and might be others' as well.

I'm not a fan of the mental health profession and this is not the place to talk about that. Just to say, we are not alone. And the strength of mothers' love, even imperfect mothers' love, may have been underestimated. I hope so anyway!

This thread is under Health and other and sub forum called “ grief and loss”

Hope this makes it easier for you to find

I have some to add here but I’m still sorting things out about it all

Here Today
Thanks.
I would love to think my situation may change. It has changed before. We try and then I do something unforgivable.

Last time I called him from the hospital and asked why he hadn’t called to see if I was ok for 2 days. I called him the night I was admitted. He said he thought I must have gone home. Apparently I was supposed to call him to say I was still in the hospital.

I guess my secretary should have called his secretary to update him on his mother’s condition. He was angry that I had not called him and hung up. He did not ask how I was doing.

My son is very successful. A CEO. I guess I just don’t know the rules.

We had been working on our relationship before that and he had said he wanted to be there for me more. He tends to be very busy.

I don’t know. Maybe expecting him to call me when I’m on deaths door is too much. ?

BTW. So so glad you have your children in your life. I disagree with your pdoc. It’s not normal for children who are adults to not care about their mother. It’s very unusual.

I am open to this to change.

Thanks again.

The group for this subject exists, but this thread seems to be where posts are happening.

My kids are both doing very well in life, which is not a surprise. They were raised with a tremendous amount of love and support. And encouragement. And stability. My daughter was so indulged, in fact, that she's selfish and self-serving. I never faced that before she stopped communicating with me. I have finally had to come to terms with the reality...I have always adored her and been there for her 100%, without exception. I guess I taught her to be obsessed with herself.

I don't know. I'm exhausted from 14 months of ruminating over the whole thing. I miss her so much that I feel I'm losing sanity. I was youthful and had a sparkle, even when I was down. Now I'm a sad, aged woman with no meaning to my life. My therapist keeps saying there's hope for all this great stuff. What great stuff? Hope for what? Hope that someday my kids might visit me a few times/year on a Sunday for an hour?

I feel less hopeful with every day that passes.

It sounds like that pdoc had issues with his kid/s. Such a foolish thing to say...yes, they're adults and for that reason they should have the wisdom to know the value of relationship with their parents.

Beth
I'm so confused. I thought I was posting in our group! I'm not sure but I think the posts are on both groups??

Yes, Just because I gave birth and raised a child doesn’t give me any reason to assume they’d be kind enough to keep me in their life??? Shish!

We can move to the group if you want to, but this thread seems to be working too. Let me know.

There is hope for great stuff with or without the kids in our lives. I feel like I keep getting my butt kicked, but I keep getting up and being resilient. I have a couple of good friends and have great times. It’s important to be a little selfish ourselves. Take care of yourselves.

Paper Roses, no...this thread is on the Grief and Loss board. The group is in the Social Groups. I'm okay with either.

Based on the age he looked like, I think his children may have been still at home or else just early in the process of leaving. So, he just didn't get it maybe, or his attitude is that like that which others have mentioned that lots of therapists seem to have and that has affected the general attitude toward parents that people in their 20s, 30s, and 40s may have these days.

Maybe he had had issues with his folks? And had solved them in the way that seems to be what people recommend these days. Distance yourself and if that doesn't help then cut them off.

For some reason, nothing like this topic shows up in the Social Groups Forum for me. Is there another way to get to it?

When my soon-to-be DIL ‘attacked’ us, she said to me, “When you don’t get your way, you throw a fit.” This was not true, I had not thrown a fit. I drew a boundary by saying ‘no’.

But if she wants to dare me, I’d like to really ‘throw a fit’. I’d like to make a world-wide case out of this.

My sister has never visited our mother, and my mother threw this article in her face saying she feels like suing her for the neglect.
New China law says children 'must visit parents' - BBC News

Can we fight the baseless estrangement movement? I can understand children of severely abusive parents having a valid reason, but this is happening to good parents.

Trisha
Wow! I had heard that this us a world wide problem but geez.
I just can't imagine why children raised in very different cultures would be choosing to do this?

I saw in the article that someone said , I paraphrase, that he/ she was just to busy.

Personally I can't see forced visits. Parents don't visit children after divorce or other situations such as their parents or a relative taking over the care of their child. Perhaps there were always adult children who disappeared, just fewer. I think trying to force visits would only create more discord.

But the article certainly highlights the seriousness of the problem.

I don't think I would want that. But I think a campaign such as ads pointing out the desperate circumstances some elderly find themselves in without their adult children's involvement in their lives might cause some to think. I'm very fortunate but I've read about elderly parents who really need help in order to have a place to live or food or medical care. There but for the grace of God go I .

I have a husband who works and loves me but without him I would have no way to care for myself. God forbid that changes.

I know I never would want my children to take care if me but I always thought it would be an option.

I have a question. Among the parents who are suffering over the loss of a close relationship with your adult child, does it help to discover that this more common than you previously knew?

I've found that grief has many facets. Th longing for the lost loved one, the confusion over why or anger at the person who left or at God. Also, there was for me a question for the first 2-3 years years as to what I did wrong? Of course I did some things wrong but if I am the only parent experiencing this I must have been despicable. I don't know anyone e else who is dealing with this and it might just be that it is not spoken about.

I seriously questioned my sanity. I telephoned friends who were at my home often while my children were young and asked them questions.

Do you remember me yelling at my kids a lot.
Was there a lot of conflict
Did I ever do anything that you remember was just over the top awful

My friends were honest. One remembered an argument he overheard between my son and I when he was 12. My friend said we were shouting. He added that my son had done something not ok and my anger seemed unusual but not extreme for the situation. He added that it was the only incident he recalled in 12 years that we were close friends.

Others said I seemed too lenient in her opinion.

My point being that I was trying to make sense of a very strange outcome. Why were my children no longer behaving as if they love me?

If this is a trend. If it is happening to some degree all over the world then maybe that gives me some way to understand it.

I do feel genuine compassion for my children because they are missing out on a relationship with their mother and that is sad.

My mother was very rejecting if me. When I was able to see her I loved seeing her. She was my mother. She made amends with me ( sort of) before she passed but I would never have been unkind to her or spoken a harsh word. I forgave her instantly and in truth I had never held it against her. I found peace in acceptance. I stopped wanting more than she could give.

I hope we can all find that same kind of peace in regards to our children's choices whatever they might be.