For Parents of Estranged Adult Children-Introduce Yourself

Yes, it helps me to feel I’m not alone. To learn it’s a new way of thinking is making me angry and I’m a fighter for injustice!

I just now heard this song for the first time and am weeping from 2pac!

Yeah. I am always amazed at how much people love their mama's. No matter what. Thank for sharing.

I will look up that YouTube video. I agree with you! I’ve been practicing daily prayer, daily gratitude and daily meditation. Most days I’m doing it at least... I’m really trying to face the pain and work through my grief.

Yes, you’re right. None of us is perfect. Our kids will realize that when their own kids get older. My counselor says it happens when their kids get to the age that they were when problems started with their own parents.

Where is our group? I’m confused? I’m not sure where to post - continue this thread or is there somewhere else?I think we could really help each other work through our grief in a positive and supportive way. I don’t want to be sad and angry anymore. I know grief can be ongoing but I would like to stop going in circles.

How about we just keep posting here since it’s easier to find than the group?

I’d also like to see my son make some effort to maintain contact with us. It can’t be all one-sided. I’m still shocked that he got his head so mixed up that this all happened in the first place. Didn’t he remember that his parents are the number one people who want the best for him?

When I told my young kids about stranger danger and how they are to run away, I knew if a predator really went after them, they’d probably go right along regardless of my warnings. This was the same thing.

Lily
I would like to work through my grief in a positive way. My thoughts on this include the question "how does one grieve children who are still present? Whether they are in contact or not?"

One thing that has helped me is to have decided that I will wait for them to contact me. I bounce back and forth on this but ultimately I believe that the responsibility to repair this lies with my children. I have reached out repeatedly and things get better for a time. Then something else happens that must be dealt with. I can bend and I have done so more than I would with any other human beings on the planet. But I've reached a limit . I need to know that they want a relationship with me. I have set minimal expectations to be met in order to begin the conversation.

I guess to break it down. I must know what my limits are as there is no way to predict what my children will say or do. I must accept that I have control over only me. My children know I am always open to any genuine attempt they might make towards reconciliation.

As to how one let's go and moves on in this extraordinary situation. I'm at a loss. To continue to hope that I will hear from them and they will express remorse, keeps the door and wounds open.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to resolve grief as complex as this?

For me, even though I thought/felt/believed that the ball was in my daughter's court to be interested/willing to try to resolve the impasse, I kept in contact with her by email, sending her information about my mother's passing, for instance, and other things that I believed she had a legitimate interest in and which I had in some sense a responsibility to send to her.

I also acted on the love that I had/have for her, when I could. I sent the grandchildren small birthday and Christmas gifts, not knowing whether they would get them or not. My anger, and hurt, are/were legitimate, and not to be ignored. But my longing and love are, too, and I felt they deserved some acting on when I could -- with no expectation of anything coming back from her. That helped me deal with the loss and complex feelings inside of me, whether I heard from her again or not.

I keep in mind that we all effected each other. I loved them so much but my deep depression did contribute to my family's tragedy; however, it is SO SO important to work through the grief--as all of you are doing in this thread--and then move on. I am trying to live in the present moment. I am focussing on my own happiness and working towards a better financial future. I want them to focus on their own happiness too and accept that they just may not care about many of the same things I do or are just at a different stage of their lives. I still give (grocery gift cards, etc) when I am able because I assume some of the things done were because they struggled just as I did. I hope the extremely nonextravagent gifts (I do not want them to go hungry) give them a positive feeling. I pray for them daily. I pray my family will feel more togetherness. It is happening to a small extent. It is a little bit like what is expressed in the reading:

This is still so fresh for me. I recommend the book for focusing on positive and living your best life. The author wastes no time with rumination and gets right to acceptance and healing. For me, I can’t imagine having gone so positive right from the beginning. It is a natural reaction for me to feel all those other things first.

Here Now
Again, thank you for this. I applaud your decision to stay in touch and send gifts. I hope this softens your daughters heart. It may.

As I said my situation has gotten better then worse then better over a number of years. I did the same for years.

My grandchildren know that we are always available should they need anything. Several of them have lived with us as recently as two years ago. We assisted one grandson for several years which allowed him to get a very good job. The combination of a safe and stable home and his hard work has set him on a path to a lucrative career at the age of 23. We are so grateful that we were able to help him.

The grandchildren s father had a heart attack 2 years ago and died but was brought back. He was in a coma for weeks but made a complete recovery. However he lost his apartment while hospitalized and we took him in as well. After 8 months he was able to go back to work. He has taken on his parental responsibilities and is assisting the other three in finding good careers and has bought them cars etc. He was not around while they were young and we are thrilled to see the changes he has made since his near death experience. We remain available as needed but at the moment they are all in good situations.

My son's daughters are doing well and my son is very able and willing to provide anything they need. Including sending one granddaughter to India to study Yoga. She now has her own business teaching Yoga.

When I tried to communicate with them it did not work well. I often received irrelevant cruel responses. My son slandered me to his daughters and at his business. This was done while I and my husband were reaching out and unaware that there was discord.

I explain all of this because :
It feels good to put on paper all of the things we have done to show our love. Of course there is much more but these are examples. We have always gone above and beyond to give what we could and more.
And
To explain that in my case, giving is exploited. The best thing for me to do is to allow my children to take responsibility and grow up. They will be 46 and 47 year s old this year. They never lacked my (our) loving support , understanding and generosity. Apparently they need to experience some natural consequences.

I have read that other adult children behave this way, taking from and exploiting their loving parents. I am ashamed that my children lack integrity. For me, even though I would love to contact then, it's best to give them the time to perhaps find a better way.

I know they loved and missed me in years gone by when we were estranged. As I said it has gone back and forth for a few years.
They do feel it. This time when or if they call to attempt reconciliation it will be structured and strong boundaries set.
If they do not contact me I know I have done all I can.

As I mentioned in another post I raised them alone and it was hard. I take responsibility for my part. It's long past time for them to accept that life is hard and I pray that they find the maturity they lack.

I hope all of you are able to renew your relationships with your AC and I wish you peace.

It sounds so hard, Paper Roses. So very, very hard. Glad the grandchildren are doing well -- none of mine are adults yet. It's possible that could happen when they are, too.

It's an enormous loss. Nobody's perfect, and yet, and yet -- they seem to have gotten what they needed to function at least mostly OK in the world. Why hate us at this point? And be unwilling, unable, unwanting to make things better? I really DON'T understand it. It is what it is and I don't understand.

I wish you peace as well.

My counselor recommends giving myself time to heal and to focus on my own needs for now. That is what I am doing. He is convinced my daughter will come back. I don’t know why and I don’t see it happening. He says in many cases, however, they come back to us when they have a crisis. I have mixed feelings about that but I’m trying to just focus on a positive path for myself. I am responsible for my own happiness. It’s something I’ll have to work on myself and not wait on others. I don’t want to be sad and bitter.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LilyMop My counselor recommends giving myself time to heal and to focus on my own needs for now. That is what I am doing. He is convinced my daughter will come back. I don’t know why and I don’t see it happening. He says in many cases, however, they come back to us when they have a crisis. I have mixed feelings about that but I’m trying to just focus on a positive path for myself. I am responsible for my own happiness. It’s something I’ll have to work on myself and not wait on others. I don’t want to be sad and bitter.

I could have written your post, Lilymop.


My husband is meeting our daughter for lunch today; he has promised to speak with her seriously about her estrangement with me. I'm so anxious about it I felt slightly sick. It will probably be another, "I'm not ready to contact Mom yet."

@BethRags

I hope it goes well. I truly hope she will reconnect with you.

I am working on accepting that I cannot control any of this.

He spoke with her. She teared up and said she misses me, but that she needs time to individuate. I understand that, because she and I were so very close. Some people might say "enmeshed." I do, however, suspect that she's seeing a therapist who is encouraging my daughter's "break." I really wish the therapist would have my daughter and I in for a session, and hear the full story.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LilyMop @BethRags I hope it goes well. I truly hope she will reconnect with you. I am working on accepting that I cannot control any of this.

My heart goes out to you. I'm sending you empathy and strength. Loads of strength.

I’m glad to hear that she misses you. Maybe you can take this time to focus on your own needs and try to accept and have faith that things will work out in time. I’m hoping it does work out for the best for you.

It’s good that communication is open between her and your husband. Maybe he can ask her to specifically list the things you do that make her feel too enmeshed, and you can maintain minimal contact while changing the relationship to what works for her.

I feel this go no contact school of thought is extremely cruel in the cases of good parents. Forgive my anger at the therapists for encouraging such severe punishment, rather than working on building healthier relationships.

Beth,
I do hope that your daughter has softened a bit. That being said, we all know we must let go of the outcome.

I was doing ok and was focusing on me when I got a call from my brother yesterday. Long story but I will share a little for context.

My siblings, mostly my older sisters, ostracized me as well. I haven't spoken to the for 40 years with a few exceptions regarding health issues. This is when they call when someone is ill.
My sister L called my brother D to say another sister, B, is dying.

My sister B is 75 years old and the first of the seven of us to be terminally ill. I am sorry to hear this of course. I have had little contact with her for ,as I said, 40 years or more.

My brother then said that my sister L wanted my phone number and did I mind that he gave it to her? I don't mind but really I don't have much to say to her. L was the one who convinced my mother to exclude me, only me, from all family holiday gatherings. This began when I was 20. I was alone with two babies and spent my holidays with them. The reason given, trust me I was not a difficult adult child, was that my two year old bothered her five year old. He would want to play with her new toys. That was the only reason given. No calls or visits from any of the other six siblings ever happened on Christmas or other holidays.

Then I remembered abuse later in my thirties and the same sister turned the others against me even more saying I lied.

So now she wants to reconcile??? I'm not sure she will call but if she does I'm at a loss as to how I will handle it. Being so alone while raising my kids I think made it so much harder for me and them it no doubt contributed to our stress as a family. Ugh. I don't know what to say to her if s h e calls. I might be open to her apologizing but I'm sure she won't .

How can people be so cruel? Any suggestions as to what to do?
I might just ignore the call. It just brings back so much sadness.

I am sorry for all those that have had the door slammed in their face as far as kids and grand kids go. That must be so rough. I feel sad just thinking of that.

But I want to say there is another group of people who their kids do not reject them but have little time for them. Picture 2 kids running around the house fighting while the mother yells to keep them from killing each other almost. The mom and dad have worked all week and are tired but they try to cope with all that.

So it is not always an idyllic thing even if your kids are open to talking once in a while. What I hope my point is that life is not ideal for any of us so we are all suffering.

I hear that people are trying to accept the situation. It is not easy. I keep going back to this video because it helps me deal with the parts of life I cannot control.

hope I did not step on any toes but I keep seeing this thread but do not know what to say. My heart goes out to all of you

Paper Roses,

So sorry, again, about your situation.

The roots and history of family dysfunction, estrangement, cold-heartedness, etc. are there in my family. It wasn't apparent when I was growing up. I internalized feelings of rejection and disapproval, worked all the harder to be "good", etc. Another familiar-type pattern, as well as others in the dysfunctional family "scripts". But it all fell apart, and the negativity came out, when my parents (divorced, so 2 separate times) declined and then passed away. I was trying to be "honest". Others would have nothing of it, or at any rate had views and opinions that they did not want, or were not able, to discuss. That's how it seems to me, anyway, my story, theirs may be different. All about how horrible and/or unacceptable I was. And, there, I was the one who walked away, after they would/could not address the issues I (sometimes intensely emotionally) raised.

My daughter likely had a view similar to theirs, although I don't think she's in touch with any of the family, either, currently. If she is, that is her business.

My sister and I inherited some property in common that necessitated our communicating about business. If it hadn't been for that I would not voluntarily be in contact with her and I doubt she would be with me. But sticking to business only has worked out pretty well -- I've been straightforward, mostly by email, and she's learned how to deal with me, as I have with her procrastination and overlooking stuff until I remind her again, etc. In the last couple of years she has expressed some appreciation for what I have done -- and in my emails I have consistently said "What do you think?" "Please let me know if you disagree about this." Etc. She expressed a desire to have a bit of a more personal relationship and we exchanged a few emails like that but there was some undying dynamic I just didn't like and didn't buy into. So we're back now just to business. Maybe we can find a way to move beyond that, maybe not.

40 years is a long time. Maybe the sister wants to try to apologize? And/or try to have a relationship of some sort? But without a history of doing that, I think it's hard, and my experience is that it is hard, to get something going at this point. Nevertheless. . .Maybe a smidge of good can come of it? What's the risk? Can you feel a way within yourself to protect yourself, in case something triggering comes up?

After reading the book, and trying everything I know to gently reach out to him, I get the message loud and clear that he wants nothing to do with us. I love him as much as I am capable of loving anyone. I have been the best parent I can be. I never had one issue or argument with him until this fallout. It was his SO who had to have been the driving force. As great as I think it was and I was, it must not have really been, or he never would have turned on us like this. He’s not wanting anything to do with us because he’s not wanting anything to do with us. That’s all there is to it.

People treat you how they want to for whatever reason. There’s nothing you can do to make them love you when they don’t.

At this point, he’s telling our other son that he doesn’t want to be estranged and he feels bad that he ghosted us. But he has continued to ghost us. So, he is saying hollow words to his brother. His actions are what speak the truth.

So, I’ll back off and wish him health and happiness. I will take his call should he want to talk anytime now or in the future.

Here Today
Thank for sharing. I often think I am the only one who's family of origin abandoned. In my case the initial rejection was based on nothing. Nothing that makes sense. It is rather shocking to most.

Try to make it short. The sister, L, who has said she wants to call me in hopes of reconciliation lived with my mother her entire life. She had two children with two different men several years apart. She decided when I was 21 years old that I should not be included in holiday gatherings. My mother agreed. I don't know if she had any objections but she agreed. I had an 18 month old son and a 4 month old daughter at the time. The reason given for my being ostracized was that my 18 month old might want to play with her 5 year old daughters toys. She did not like sharing and no other solution to an older cousin finding a way to cope with a younger cousin was explored.

I spent Christmas and other holidays alone with my little ones. I was separated from my husband. I was told not to come over. They lived about 10 miles away. My very good friend insisted I come to her house but over the years I found that this was difficult for my children and I. Alone, I spent the time at my friends house trying to keep them occupied. She had no children for the first few years and her house was full of breakable. She tried but ultimately I stayed home where the children could play with their things and nap in their beds.

I have 6 siblings and I was the only one excluded. This went on _well I never celebrated a holiday with them again. I asked my brother recently if anyone ever wondered where I was? He said that he assumed or was told I had other plans.

Later, many years later, I did remember some things and L said I lied.

I tolerated this for a decade allowing my mother to pick and choose when she would see me. My self esteem was very low and I did not realize how abusive this was until I shared it with my therapist when I was 34. It was just normal. I cried on those long holidays after putting my kids to bed and imagined that one of my siblings might call or drop by for a cup of coffee. It never happened.

Is L calling to apologize, I really doubt it but I could be wrong. She has not called and may not. She might have just been having an emotional reaction that passed.

If she does call I have decided to give it a few minutes of pleasantries. I will then ask her why she called. I will insist that my requirements for reconciliation will include both of us sharing our understanding of what happened and how to fix it. I will offer to bring my therapist in on the call to assist.

I think it's very u unlikely that it would get that far. She will not even call.

It caused me to go back and revisit those years. There is always " leftover" pain to be felt it seems no matter how long ago.

I went on to get a B.A. and an M.A. and to have a successful career.
I believe I did a good job of caring for my children. In retrospect I know I gave too much and expected too life from my children. How could I not expect too little? Now I have selfish adult children who have nothing to give me. Full circle.

I'm ok. Not so overwhelmed since I devised a plan in case she calls.
My mom is gone and L turned most of my Siblings against me. They have nothing I want or need at this time.