For Parents of Estranged Adult Children-Introduce Yourself

I have started a group, but am having difficulty navigating it. Really frustrating. But for those of us who are parents grieving an adult child who has chosen to estrange him/her self, let's talk and start support by first giving a basic introduction of who we are.
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My name is Beth. I have been married for over 30 years. That said, my husband and I don't live together (we live 1 mile from each other). He is a Vietnam veteran and although we are dear friends, living together was just too difficult. We were living in the same home, however, while raising our children.

I am 57 years old and was a stay-at-home mom while my children were growing up. I absolutely loved my occupation; having a family was all I've ever wanted in my life. My adult children are now 34 (daughter) and 31 (son).

I share my home with my 5 precious cats.

Next.........

I am not in that exact situation, it’s more of a grieving stepparent.

my husband’s older kid is estranged from him and his other daughter (my younger stepdaughter). Both my husband and my younger stepdaughter, with who we have good relationship, have hard time with it. My husband and his younger daughter are greatly suffering from estrangement from the older one and I do by extension. I used to force him to have a relationship with her but it blew in his face every time so I keep quiet now and just support him. It’s horrible though

I have spent many years going through it. I was in denial of reality and holding onto hope for a long time. Because of this, I tolerated behaviors for a long time that I just don’t want to tolerate anymore.

https://psychcentralforums.com/commu...up#post6189862
Beth, i think this is how to navigate to the social group.

What happened with our son is fairly new. He’s mad as hell at us because we didn’t put up with abusive manipulation, which started when he started planning his wedding. I am praying the estrangement is temporary and we are able to make peace whether or not it is with just him or including his new wife.

We’ve been through traumatic hell for months over this and I don’t think they felt bad at all. I’m putting his happiness and health first. If he’s truly happy I am glad for him.

I am now ready to be able to remember him with love; countless wonderful memories and no one can take that from me.

My plan is prayer, occasionally reaching out gently, and hope.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna https://psychcentralforums.com/commu...up#post6189862 Beth, i think this is how to navigate to the social group.

Thank you, unaluna I can see my group, and the notification telling me to join. But I listed myself as moderator in order to start the group...now it won't allow me to join. Paper Roses joined, yet I can't see her name. I finally had to just leave it alone. Maybe something will become apparent eventually

Where is the group? I don’t see it on the list of groups

I'm heart sick, depressed, and have aged 15 years during these past 14 months. I was a youthful woman with good physical health. That's gone out the window.

Like I said, I was an at-home mom. Both of my children were planned for and absolutely adored by my husband and I, and by our extended families. Money was definitely tight, but we managed to keep the kids in a terrific school, K through 8.

When my daughter "N" was 3 (I was pregnant with my son) she began showing symptoms of extreme anxiety. Fears of fire (no idea why), fears of certain pictures in books. Just generalized anxiety. I was raised in a Jewish family (my husband in a Methodist family). I spoke with my rabbi & he referred me to a child psychiatrist for N. My husband and I took her there and the pdoc did play therapy with her. It helped, but N remained with a dx of GAD and I made sure she was always in therapy to learn coping skills, etc.

Our home was loving. My husband & I def had some marital issues and there were occasional arguments. That said, we agreed on how to parent and that was never a problem, in any way. All in all, a lot of love and stability in the home. Yes, I have bipolar disorder, but I did my very best to model, for my kids, how to self-care when it came to mental health (therapy, spiritual work, med compliance).

Jump ahead years. My daughter and son both went to college. Graduated. When my daughter was 26 she married a guy who had grown up in the foster care system. His "family" was extremely dysfunctional and scattered. He had a good job, which impressed my daughter, but more than anything she had had a boyfriend she was wild in love with and the man dumped her. She admitted to me that her marriage was, at least in part, a slap in the face to her former boyfriend.

All of her life N and I were inseparable. Mom and daughter for sure - but best friends, too. My son went to live in Paris (job), then was transferred back to San Francisco. He's doing really well in life and is married to a young woman I absolutely adore. He has occasional contact with his sister. They always loved each other very much, but N has even cut back on her relationship with him.

Meanwhile, N decided to go to grad school. She applied, got in, and I was so happy for her. She loved being in grad school right away, but also felt stressed with all the work, and so on. I encouraged her to see a T, just to have a place to talk about her stress and continue to work on coping skills.

N agreed. She started seeing the T in August of 2018. In September of 2018 I started having a rough mixed state. By far the toughest mood issue that I had ever had. My dx was changed from BP2 to BP1. Meds weren't dong too much. Still, I was doing my very best not to burden my family with my mental health state. But I kept declining (I now wonder if the decline was connected to menopause/hormonal changes).

In November of 2018 I was talking with my sister and told her that I was feeling suicidal - even though I had no plan...just feeling completely overwhelmed. I fairly begged my sister not to, but she called 911 on me.

The cops showed up, handcuffed me, and took me to the local psych ER. I was seriously furious at my sister and just felt awful, frightened, a mess. But I was very cooperative and quiet at the hospital so I wouldn't have to remain IP. Fortunately there were no psych hospitals anywhere around that had beds available. So after being held for an agonizing 20 hours I was released.

N came in to see me while I was in the holding room. She was furious at me. Told me I needed to stop acting like a child by threatening suicide. Yelling at me. I told her to please keep her voice down. I didn't want to attract the attention of the staff. She was outraged and yelled at me, "I'm done, I'm just done!"

She walked out of the room. That was the last time I've seen her or had any communication with her. By the next day she had blocked me on all social media, etc.

I have continued to send her small gifts and short notes now and then. I remain very neutral, never accusing or anything like that.

I strongly suspect that N's therapist is encouraging her to do the "NC" (no contact) thing that is a trend with some young people these days. I would understand - IF my daughter had a reason to cut ties. But there is no valid reason.

My best friend of 50 years tells me that I just plain spoiled my daughter. I never, never believed that a child could be "spoiled" with love...but maybe I'm wrong. I'm by nature a giver; so is my son. But N tends to be a taker...she always has been.

At this point N has zero contact with me or with extended family. She calls her dad, my husband, about every 8 weeks. A bit odd, since N and her dad had a sometimes rocky relationship.

So 14 months. My therapist is empathetic, but what can she really say? All I can feel or see is pain. Like I said, I'm developing health problems that I feel are due to the tremendous grief I have in the pit of my stomach.

So that's my estrangement story. I don't think I've ever written such a long post online, so thank you for reading, and for allowing me to write out all this grief.

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966 Where is the group? I don’t see it on the list of groups

Sometimes I see it, sometimes I don't. I'm just not clear on how to set up the group??? I thought I did it correctly, but apparently not

@BethRags
Your situation has some similarities to mine. I want to ponder more and likely have lots to say.

Firstly, I think you are right about the therapist encouraging the no contact thing. To me, it’s an incredibly hurtful thing to do in a case like yours or mine. Boundaries are one thing. No contact is completely another. It does seem like an extreme action to take on a good relationship. I’m baffled.

Second, you are doing great to be as strong as you are being. Keep venting. Thanks for starting this group!

I’m not even sure what to say except I can’t even imagine your pain. I am so sorry your daughter is putting you through this and I hope she comes around before any more damage is done. All my love!

Quote:

Originally Posted by cashart10 I’m not even sure what to say except I can’t even imagine your pain. I am so sorry your daughter is putting you through this and I hope she comes around before any more damage is done. All my love!

Thank you so much.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv @BethRags Your situation has some similarities to mine. I want to ponder more and likely have lots to say. Firstly, I think you are right about the therapist encouraging the no contact thing. To me, it’s an incredibly hurtful thing to do in a case like yours or mine. Boundaries are one thing. No contact is completely another. It does seem like an extreme action to take on a good relationship. I’m baffled. Second, you are doing great to be as strong as you are being. Keep venting. Thanks for starting this group!

Thank you Tisha. Si much.

In my experience there are plenty of crummy therapists. My daughter is paying $100/hour to see hers...nice chunk of change. I wonder how "supportive" the T would be if N stopped paying her.

I'd sure like to work the glitches out of the group so we can use it.

Thanks for this Beth. I will do what I can to help but don't know what?

I'm older than most of you . I've been married for 25 years to my second husband. Not my children's father. I divorced him when they were 5 and 6 and raised them alone. Their father abandoned them. They would sit on the steps waiting for him when he told them he was coming and he would not show. Very painful for them and for me.

I got a B.A. and an M.A. while working and raising them. It was hard on all of us but they had good child care and I devoted all of my free time to them. We lived in a good neighborhood and their lives were stable and full. They had extra curricular activities and summer camp . They knew they were loved and wanted.


My current husband and I married after they were grown. He has been a wonderful grandfather. Their father is out of the picture.

My children are 45 and 46 years old. My situation is similar to All of yours but different in that until about 4_5 years ago we all got along.

Both of my children and their children and even their exes visited often and had wonderful times together.
We have a large property and had motorcycles and a bike track. All of the grandkids learned to ride as young as four years old.

My daughter began to change about five years ago. It was likely earlier but I dint see it. She was so inappropriate and mean and we stopped getting together.

Two + years ago her two younger asked if they could stay with us because they became afraid of her drunken rages. We said yes and they stayed for several month and at Christmas time two years ago they went back home. My daughter was angry that we gave them shelter and that's when no contact began. She forbid them to see us.

My son is also estranged for nearly two years. Harder to explain this but it is a mutual d e decision based on his response to my being hospitalized for a physical illness. Similar to your story Beth.
There's more to it but right now and I have let him know what I would require in order to attempt reconciliation.

There is no possibility of reconciliation with my daughter while she is using drugs and alcohol. She is too irrational. So I do not try to make contact.

I saw my daughters ex husband today and he is involved with the children, they are young adults now. I feel relieved that he is present in their life and I may see them soon.

I expected my children to be in my life at this age. I am learning how to live with this unexpected turn of events. I would like to explore the different way that this unusual loss must be mourned
It is very complex.

My friend, who witnessed us go through this shocking ordeal as it unfolded, gave me this book to read. “Done With The Crying” by Sheri McGregor. We are dumbfounded to learn this is an epidemic. I’m reading it now. The author wrote a paragraph for all the relationship dynamics that caused the estrangement of the thousands of people she polled. All of the reasons we have here were mentioned. Then the book focuses on healing.

Trisha
I've heard good and bad about McGregor. What does she say?
I've wondered if my accepting attitude contributed to my kids selfishness.
I think they made have been the type of new souls in need of a strong hand.
I do know that loving and understanding is not wrong. It might have been worse had they not had the love that we gave them.

I was not a very good father. I was a wonderful mother. I was a one woman band. Due to my abusive childhood I had no extended family support. Some children might be appreciative of a mother who was so alone but loved and provided so much more than she ever received. Mine are not.

Beth, i think the reason the group doesnt show up on the list of social groups, is because it lists by number of members. You need 50 members. Some of the groups i think are defunct, but i think they cant get rid of them. Maybe they could choose a different listing criterion, idk.

My story is similar to yours.

I will check this book out. Someone else recently told me that family estrangement has become an epidemic. People must be hiding it then or maybe they are in denial. I am the only one as far as I know who is going through this.

Lily
I think both are true. How can I tell my friends whose children seem perfect!

Think about it! In this culture and maybe all cultures parents are blamed for their children's character flaws. The opposite is spoken about often.
" what a great man you raised!" I see the sports celebrities talk about their mothers raising them alone and of their respect for their mothers. It breaks me.

My daughter and son married young and were divorced young. They had my husband and I. They had exes who paid child support and co parented!

That is a million miles from what I did! How dare they criticize me! I bounce from grief to rage daily. This can't be good for my health. I need to let go.

I do that too. I let go and then I have these imaginary conversation s with them.

How do you all feel about writing a letter?

It’s really interesting how she takes the reader through the stages she went through. The shock, anger, then the ruminating about what she did to cause it. We all do this.

She said one thing that struck a nerve with me; that the emotional state of the mother can affect the development of the child. She thinks she had some issue with this. I had an issue with this too. When I first came on PC it was for a problem with this between me and my husband, me and my mother— never between me and my children... but I suppose it did affect them after all. BUT— This was not the reason my son gave for how he has been hurtful. In fact, we discussed my emotional issues with them and said how it has nothing to do with them and we love them very much, and they seem pretty ok with that. In looking to blame myself, this issue is really all I have that I am truly guilty for.

The author says she did not know the reason in her case, wasn’t given a reason, really didn’t do anything to cause it and that is the general consensus of good parents who don’t deserve to become estranged but are getting this treatment from their grown children.

I’m happy to report that what happened with my husband, me, and our son was a rift caused by treatment we have received from him and his now wife. We didn’t give in and go along, were quite vocal about it...I’m no go-along!
He’s furious with us. We know why. I have been steadily reaching out with love and forgiveness. Today we did exchange a text and I feel really good and hopeful about that being a move in the right direction, albeit a long haul, I expect.

I can relate to some of the things you have gone through.

Most parents give their all to their children hoping they will grow up to be secure and loving people. We could never imagine living our lives totally separated from them. So when it doesn't turn out as we imagined--we are left feeling empty (to say the least).

I have had therapists, pschologists and family members suggest that I have VERY little contact and that some of the problems they have are because I helped them too much. This no contact thing is a trend regarding all kinds of relationships.

I also thought a child couldn't be spoiled. I felt grateful to my dad for spoiling me so I thought that was what you should do but perhaps I was wrong. My husband has said that children are born with their own personalities. Perhaps he is right about this.

Grief and anxiety can definitely ruin our health. I am hoping to turn mine around. The despair got so bad for me that I found myself turning to God in a more sincere way for comfort. I spend a lot more time meditating, praying and studying the Bible. I believe we are all here by divine design (but have free will) and that our children (including their individual personalities) were purposely selected for us. Perhaps struggles we go through are meant to help us grow into better people. Though I do take some medications for MI issues (not sure how much of it is simply because of our despair)--this new way of thinking (and purposely not thinking about my children's problems as much but instead working on what I need to do for my future not theirs) has lifted my depression and anxiety.

I hope you figure out a way to feel better too! It has been a long road but I am starting to turn how I feel inside around. Everything starts from how we feel inside. I pray that everyone with these struggles starts feeling better and better.

Tuned
I agree that people thrive under loving and caring and understanding parenting. I believe that my children are better off having been loved and spoiled in some ways. But they chose to take advantage of my good nature and to manipulate. I only see this in retrospect. I do not take others for granted nor do I manipulate people who trust me. Many people do though. My children do.

There is much about individual behavior that science/psychology is only beginning to understand. But at least 50 percent of personality or character is inherited and the rest is nurture. There are very interesting studies that were done on twins that were separated at birth and raised in different families.
Look up twin studies. They have astonishing similarities that can only be attributed to heredity.

My point is that my daughter is very much like my mother but she was around my mother very little. My son is a lot like his father, my first husband. He did not know him well. Some things are not within our control.

I have found a measure of peace in focusing on my own life as well. The pain comes and goes but it is better.

Thanks for sharing.

I hear you and I understand your pain.

I have a written a letter that I will share with my counselor and nobody else.

I have made apologies because it gave me peace of mind to do so. I’m not perfect but I’ve always tried hard.

I’ve been going through the cycles of grief as well - back and forth between anger and sadness.

I’m very determined that I’m going to take better care of myself emotionally from now on because I sure have beat myself up a lot.

My daughter is also similar to my mother and I keep wondering if I am also like both of them. Everyone tells me I look and act nothing like them. How did my daughter end up with more of my mother’s nature than mine?

I’ve heard of those studies done on twins and it’s quite remarkable and thought provoking.

What do you think about generational legacies and all this baggage we have and was it handed down to us? I recently looked at 200 years of my family genealogy and was surprised to see some of the patterns that have repeated. I have made some similar choices and mistakes as past grandmothers. I also look like a great-great grandmother. That was weird to see her picture and see myself in her face.