After months of doing well, I'm breaking down.

How you’ve been Rose?

Thanks for asking. I'm afraid my recovery wasn't quite what it seemed. I'm not way down in the dark hole. I don't feel real sad. But I'm not doing as well as when I really feel okay. That lift in mid-February was delightful, but I haven't maintained it.

Back when I got my self feeling better, I think it was due to me taking a med I'm not supposed to take. A surgeon had put me on an antiinflammatory drug for severe Achilles tendinitis. It was a miracle drug (Inderal.) That med relieved all kinds of aches and pains from head to toe. Last year, I was told to stop using it because doctors believe I have very slow, but chronic, bleeding in my GI tract somewhere. Inderal is a cousin to aspirin and motrin. Those drugs - NSAIDS - can cause or worsen internal bleeding. Since not taking it, anything I do causes soreness.

Back in February, I pulled it out of a drawer and went back to taking it. In 4 days, I felt such relief that I got chores done. After those 4 days, I stuck the med back in a drawer. It's too dangerous to stay on. Well - a few days later my various pains and aches came right back. At first I wasn't discouraged. Now I am.

I have Vicodin - hydrocodone and Tylenol. I take a tablet every 12 hours. It's just not enough. I'ld like to take it 3Xday, but my provider won't give me more. Getting opioids these days is hard. As long as I stay inactive, I don't get very sore. So I am spending too much time in bed or in my recliner.

Plus I only leave the house for groceries. I go nowhere and see no one because I'm very afraid of COVID. The high transmissibility of Omicron worried me. I am very afraid of respiratory illness, probably because I've seen people close to me suffer terribly with lung disease.

I guess I'm basically depressed, even though I'm not really sad. It's like I just don't care much about anything.

Maybe I'll take Inderal for a few days and see if that helps. Just catching up on household chores would make me feel a lot better.

Personal question that you don’t have to answer but are you not vaccinated? If you wear a mask and keep a distance do you think you are still in high danger?

My dad is 84 and he goes out and about. He’d be severely depressed if he stayed home all day. He does wear a mask when in public. I honestly wonder if staying home contributes to feeling of doom? Sorry if it’s not helpful

I do agree that staying home and seeing no one is hard on me. I am triple vaccinated. I have N95 masks. People like to think that makes you "safe." Those measures improve your odds of avoiding COVID. There is no such thing as "safe." I expect that the prevalence of COVID will have plummeted greatly by Easter. It seems to me I should stay ultra-careful until then. But, yes, it is dispiriting. A friend that I normally do things with refuses to get the booster. So I am unwilling to hang out with her. We talk on the phone every few days with no hard feelings. She has a right to her choice. But I won't be around someone who takes COVID less seriously than I do. She goes to beauty salons and for massages. I won't take those chances for at least a few more weeks.

So, maybe, I just have to tough it out. Not that I'm showing much toughness. I read recently that getting COVID can activate latent TB. Like a lot of people who worked in nursing homes in the '70s and '80s, I test positive on the TB skin test. So I have concern about that. My last chest xray didn't look completely normal either, possibly due to some residual change caused by pneumonia I had quite a few years ago.

My provider is a PA, not an MD. She's smart and caring, but I don't think I have the confidence in her I might have in a doctor. I did have access to a psychiatrist where I get my healthcare. I stopped seeing him back in 2020. After my boyfriend died, I contacted him because of worsening depression. He told me there was nothing wrong with me mentally. I ended up in a psych hospital for a week. So I would never want to see him again. He showed not even the common decency of saying "I'm sorry for your loss." He more or less told me I was imposing on him. So I have the feeling of being very unsupported.

I do realize there's not a lot anyone can do for me. I have to push myself to keep up with things like housework and getting exercise, or I'll just go downhill.

Spring is coming. I'll be glad of that.

@Rose76 I think a PA is equal to a doctor except they did not do residency in a hospital. But a PA that spends more time with the patient than a doc that is in and out and off to see the next patient.

To me that is a better bet on getting good treatment. It is not what you know that counts but how you apply it.

CANDC - If you've had care from P.A.s that you've felt good about, I'm glad. P.A.s are valuable members of healthcare teams. I like the P.A. I was assigned to. She's nice and conscientious. She does have her limits. I ended up in the hospital last year with a condition she was not monitoring closely enough - severe anemia.

P.A.s exist for one reason - to save money in the healthcare industry. They do not get paid as much as doctors because they are not equal to doctors. There is a lot they can do just fine. Just like you don't need an automotive engineer to change your car's oil, an MD isn't necessary to handle every healthcare issue. I think P.A.s are great at managing a diabetic who's insulin needs adjusting, usually. P.A.s are even able to diagnose some straightforward ailments and order appropriate treatments. But their education and training is much less than a doctor's. That's why they are willing to work for a smaller paycheck. Sometimes "what you know" does count.

We like to hope that by using P.A.s, patients can have more time with their providers. Sometimes it works out that way, which is good. Certainly, a P.A. who is caring and attentive is better that an MD who rushes through a visit with little real interest in the patient.

Where I get my care, it isn't working out quite as I'ld hope. The system tries to squeeze a lot of work out of the P.A.s. My P.A. seems to be kind of rushed. The MD I used to have spent more time. Now they have M.A.s assisting the P.A.s. An M.A. isn't even a nurse, but they have the MAs doing psych screenings. I think that is totally inappropriate. At least once a year, an MA sits down and asks me a bunch a personal questions related to mental health. She types my answers into the electronic record. I think that's wrong. My P.A. acts like she doesn't know I have a psych history.

I feel very unsupported where I get my healthcare.

They keep subcontracting our healthcare to less and less qualified people: from MD to PA; then from PA to MA.

A lot of people think the MAs are nurses. They are not. They have computer skills and they are trained to draw blood. They work cheaper than nurses, which is why they are hired.

I'm tired of all the cut corners in healthcare.

I am so surprised. I literally don’t know anyone who thinks medical assistant is a nurse. Medical assistants don’t even have college degrees, anyone can be an assistant. I cannot imagine anyone thinking it’s the same thing.

RNs have college degrees, they don’t even hire anymore RNs with associate degrees. You have to have BSN or get it within short period of time after being hired

Maybe it varies by state but I don’t recall any nurses ever hired in out patient clinics. No clinic would want to pay a nurse plus there’s not much for them to do in out patient clinic. It’s been always medical assistant doing basic stuff

As about PAs most urgent care clinics around here hire PAs instead of doctors. It kind of makes sense. People don’t go to urgent care for serious diagnosis.

But if I go to get actual diagnosis and consistent treatment I go to a doctor, not PA. So I don’t blame you for wanting an MD

I got misdiagnosed at an urgent care clinic. What I and they thought was a minor problem turned out to be much more serious. They were nurse practitioners. It truly was an instance of incompetence.

I have gotten excellent care at urgent care clinics. It varies. Urgent care clinics do try to have one MD on the premises. That is less true in rural areas of some states.

Today I got very depressed. I'm going to have to come up with a plan, if I don't start to improve soon.

I could travel to visit my sisters and their families. My plan was to do that when the pandemic slows down. It involves a long plane trip.

I have to consider that staying this depressed may be a worse problem than risking COVID. In 2013, I went to visit a sister because I felt in bad shape mentally. The trip did me a world of good. I managed to be a decent guest and it was a nice visit.

They've been encouraging me to visit. I was hoping to go in May. I've been very alone since Sept 2020. It's a long time.

I think the mental health questionnaires are really govt surveys - i just had a checkup, and they were like, do you want a referral? And i was like no. But i think its more to screen and get social data than it is to find out about YOU personally as a patient.

Eta - how is your eating and exercise? I started exercising this week, and i just keep telling myself it will be a few weeks before i feel stronger or more flexible, although i am already noticing small changes. But having patience and not expecting immediate results is kind of nice. Its not how my mother did things, to work towards a goal. She was always hurrying me and pushing me, and never celebrated an achievement.

Unless someone tells you that it is a survey for data collection for the government, it is exactly about you the particular patient. It is a screening tool. It is entered into your medical record. This is part of "the standard of care" for a patient with a psych diagnosis. Primary providers would be remiss to the point of negligence, if they did not periodically assess how a patient was faring psychologically. It's not something they can order a blood test for. Since my provider orders a psych med for me, it is her real obligation to periodically assess and document how I'm doing. Having an MA administer one of these questionaires is not really filling the bill.

They do occasionally have an RN at my primary care clinic. I've discussed with a nurse there that I think nurses should be used more. The nurse agreed. Nurses are credentialed to do patient teaching, which a lot of patients could use more of.

Exercise is important. I'm not doing any. I'm glad you are.

My eating is ok.

Basically, I'm depressed. I'm not doing lots of things I should be doing. I know what I should do.

I agree with Rechu. It's certainly not linear and it's as individual as you are as a person, how you grieve. There's no "supposed to" and even those so-called 5 stages of grief by Kubler-Ross (sp?) has been around for over 50 years and has been expanded.

The U.S doesn't have much in the way of many grief support groups; I think it's cultural. We don't talk openly about death here. Rechu is right, this time of the year is hard. It's not only right after the holidays but the days are short. (They are getting noticably longer now) It's also tax season. So many additional stressors, and Rechu is right that depending on the climate, it can be hard to get out. Literally!

I've lost so many people and am still grieving. I found out from a grief group that a delayed reaction isn't unusual at all. There can be so many distractions that one doesn't even have time for it to sink in. COVID broke out just a few months after I lost my dad.

Rose.....


Me too. Your post resonated with me too. It's a Catch 22, that one has to make an effort to feel better. Yet one needs to feel better to make an effort. Everything takes way more effort than it used to.

All day yesterday, I couldn't find my cell phone. I was so bored without it that I kept getting up to do bits of housework here and there. When I saw the progress zI was making, it motivated me, and I redoubled my efforts . . . even made some banana bread. The apartment started to look a lot more organized. I felt depression melting away. I slept well.

So, now, I feel pretty decent. Apparently, I'm addicted to this phone. I gotta start putting it down more.

I feel pretty good.

@Rose76 I have to take breaks from the internet. And I have to learn to focus so I am not chasing every notification I get or I get very scattered. I am on a technology diet. I reorganized the kitchen and donated stuff I had not used in quite a while to a charity. I feel better about myself when I have some organization.

What you describe doing is exactly what I need to do. "chasing every notification" is an apt description of one way I get sucked in. In addition to doing that, I do this: I sit in front of the TV which is tuned to CNN, with my digital device in my lap. I read background on every item in the news - history of Ukraine, biography of every general interviewed, etc. I feel like I'm keeping well-informed, but everything else in my life is sorely neglected.

I need to go on an Internet "diet" for sure. However, I am dealing with an out-and-out addiction. Maybe tomorrow I'll lock up the mobile devices in the trunk of my car. Having them less accessible might cut down on my use. I can program my phone to forward all calls to my landline. Relying on will power to simply not keep picking up my phone is a bad bet. This is an addiction. I applaud your good example.

You seem to really get what I'm going through. Organization is extremely important to me. Today, all around me is so much better, thanks to my efforts on Thurs after misplacing my phone. I slept so much better after getting things done. Friday I relapsed. I seem incapable of picking up the phone just briefly. Too much is riding on me breaking this bad, compulsive habit.

Actually technology is designed to make us further addicted, so alerts are a good example- how many times are they really urgent or necessary though. A whole industry has been built on this. We get dopamine (reward) hits from it short term. I think many of us struggle with this. Maybe more so being remote during lockdowns.

I think it’s awesome you had such a productive day after losing your phone, that’s a good discovery to make. I need to take a leaf from your book definitely!

Hoping you can visit your family soon too, maybe even planning a trip will be positive for you?

I agree! I didn’t grow up with the tech so the whole “like” or “helpful” votes can be hard on self-esteem unless people have plenty of experience in building a thick skin. To me it’s like a popularity contest.

During lockdowns I didn’t even have this phone. But I didn’t think it’d last too long!

So isolation is more unbearable while grieving. It’s like a mental prison.

No in person support groups for sure, and I don’t have access or knowledge of Zoom. I hate that word now.

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True it’s short term and if you don’t get notifications the disappointment is so brutal.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated Actually technology is designed to make us further addicted, so alerts are a good example- how many times are they really urgent or necessary though. A whole industry has been built on this. We get dopamine (reward) hits from it short term. I think many of us struggle with this. Maybe more so being remote during lockdowns. I think it’s awesome you had such a productive day after losing your phone, that’s a good discovery to make. I need to take a leaf from your book definitely! Hoping you can visit your family soon too, maybe even planning a trip will be positive for you?

Yes I agree, technology is a tool but social media is using it to keep us attached to their sites. I am on a social media diet, as well as a news diet. To me exercises even though on the computer like Adrienne complete beginner yoga on youtube and 5 minute tai chi help me break the cycle. Thanks for sharing your comment @CANDC