heartbroken and alone :~(

There are only a few times I don't like living alone. One is when I'm sick (like now) and it's 1 a.m. and I don't want to run to the drugstore for the cough drops and Kleenex. One is when I need a ride to a medical appointment I can't drive myself to and can't afford the $30 one-way cab fare between here and there. And one is when I'm scared and sad.

As I was on my way to bed, I got an email from someone who has been one of my best friends since we were 7. She was dx'd with breast cancer yesterday. It is a large tumor and will require both chemo and surgery. They don't know yet if it's spread.

She is 42 years old and has two young teens, a good job, a husband who adores her, and I am sick for all of them, and for me. I have survived one illness that should have killed me, but have been dx'd with two more that still might. (That's on top of the mental health shite.) I am 5 months older than my friend. Another one of our childhood friends just had major surgery about a month ago. Another's young son got hit by a car a couple of weeks ago. It won't stop coming.

Being confronted with your mortality effing SUCKS. I want to be 20 and think I'm invincible again. At 20, I had a lot less to lose. We all did.

Mothers Day is around the corner. A friend who is sensitive to how I feel about it asked what she and her Sunday School teens could do for birthmoms on that day. I gave her some suggestions, but the thoughts and memories and searching for something I wanted her to use have brought up the soul-crushing grief. My son will be 20 in about a month. I adore him. I'm thrilled I have the minimal contact that I have with him, that I waited nearly 16 years for. I'm thrilled he's had such a spectacularly wonderful life, full of love and opportunities. But it p*sses me off that nobody understands why it is still a raw, open wound after 2 decades. Nobody understands that it is damn near the entire cause of ALL my mental health issues, the reason I didn't have more kids, get married, even pursue a relationship in the last 15 years; it is why I am blindingly depressed, have protracted severe grief issues and PTSD. To this day I have a recurring dream where I find out I'm pregnant again and realize that I can't take care of a child STILL and will have to go through all that trauma again. I wake up sobbing. It isn't ever going to go away. No T has ever understood. No friend has ever understood (except for the 1 who has been through it). It's 1 freakin 20 a.m. and I am alone and scared and crushingly sad, and it sucks.



Candy

(((((((((((((( Candy )))))))))))))))

(((candy))) I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are in. just know I am here for you anytime hon.

(((((((((((((((((((((((( Candybear))))))))))))))))))))))))))

,,,, >>>.. Sits in usual Fashion ,,,>>.. q u i e t l y . .

,,>>. Candy .

((((((Candybear))))))

(((((((((((((( candybear ))))))))))))))))))))

Those burdens are so heavy for you.....let us help lift them so they are not crashing down. While there may be no one in your room next to you.....you are not alone. You are in my prayers and thoughts.


sabby

((((((((((((((Candy)))))))))))))))))

Love you.

(((Candy)))

Clyde is so sorry and I love you

I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.

Candybear, you are right I have never gone through the same experience with a child. i can feel your pain about the situation. It may not make you feel better but it really makes me think alot of you. You felt you could not take care of a child and did the best thing you could at the time. That takes a very special person. Very giving and unselfish! If I was your child, I would love you even more for that!

(((((((((((((((( Candybear)))))))))))))))))) Love you.. your never alone hon... always got us here to help you thru things. Sending you big safe hugs to help you thru if you like. Only a pm away sweetie.

Hugz
Bethy

being heartbroken is a b i t c h srry for foul language i am young so may not have same opinons as others i understand things like this cuz i see them all the time it makes me a better person knowing what others in this world go through on a daily bases if i could help every1 i would i try even though i know i cant do it on my own i wish you the best of luck and hopefully in the many years to come you will find true happiness

a sincere heartfelt hug to you,i am speechless at your post.
your will alone gives you more courage, that i will ever understand. i am a mom of 3 children and i handed them over to there fathers as i did'nt realise i was ill. i just thought i couldn't cope with them seeing me this way feeling unstable.i hope the pain you feel subsides quickly and you feeling alone and scared fades away too.Somehow thats how i felt since i was 16 and now i am 34 .i can say i am not as bad as i was .

keep safe