Death in the "family"

My mom and I were sitting on the couch watching Judge Judy and someone from work called. Joe, one of our cooks, is dead.

I didn't even flinch.

I didn't frown, or cry, or make a movement other than surprise and inquiry.

He's dead.

Completely, and utterly dead. As in, I'll never see him again, or get to call him Joe-Joe whenever I happen to pop into the Widow for food or visiting.

Last Friday, or maybe Saturday, I can't remember, I happened to be in town, and Jen asked me to fill in for her. I needed the money and didn't have anything to do anyway. So, I did. As the evening wore on, I ordered a side of fries to munch on. Joe knew it was my order. He didn't even need to ask what kind of gravy I wanted on them. He just knew.

I've known this guy since I was very young. There isn't a time in memory that I don't remember him working at the restaurant. He's in our family pictures--stores and stores of work parties and the many plethora of barbeques we have held over the years. And he's in them, smiling, often holding a beer or other beverage.

And I felt nothing.

something is completely, and totally wrong with me.

I mean, this can't be a normal reaction to death. It can't possibly be a normal reaction.. He wasn't family, but he, along with the other members of work that I've known since I was three, feel like family. I consider them as such.

And I feel like there should be something more.

((((((((((((cibomatto))))))))))))
There is no "normal reaction" at a time like this. Some people don't have a reaction for days, months, years or ever.
Give yourself time to process what has happened. Allow yourself to grieve in your own time.
My mother passed in February and I have still not completely processed it.

Give yourself a break, hun. Just do what you need to do for yourself. Don't let anyone else try to tell you how to feel either. I had people telling me I should be sad....it doesn't work like that.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like he was a dear friend and family member.



BJ

cibomatto

i agree there is no normal reaction.
sometimes what you are feeling is called shock
WHen you lose someone you cared about
and when its not expected, thats a shock
It sounds like you care very much for him
and that he did for you, ((and he knew you well))
give it some time and your feelings will come
I think some are there already.
When my dad passed I did the dame thing I frooze
thats what I call it...
It will come in time.....
May your friend Joe rest in peace
My thoughts and prayers are with you
muffy

it is probably just the shock of the news. I am really sorry for your loss.

Hi Cibomatto ~

The first stage of grief is shock. As you said Joe was just walking around a few days ago, and now he is gone forever. It takes awhile for our minds and hearts to just process that someone important to us is gone.

My beloved older brother, Charles, died 33 years ago, and at a deeper level I have just within the last year started to really process this loss. It was that traumatic for me. He was my role model, and so much more.

It sounds like your parents have a restaurant. I come from a restaurant family too.

Please feel free to PM me.

EJ

Everyone acts different. That could be a state of shock, or you would be just blown away and dont know how to react to his passing. There is no wrong way.

cibomatto, when I have lost people close to me, it took time for the news to really hit me. I made it through their funerals and such with only a few tears. But, in time, when I started to really think about them, the sadness and other feelings came to me. Don't rush yourself or think that you are doing something wrong. There is nothing wrong with you. For me, the feelings came a little at a time. Here and there when I was least expecting them. Really, I think it was my mind's way of protecting myself--I could not deal with the loss all at once, I had to do it little by little. I am sorry for your loss.

Thank you everyone for your input. I appreciate it greatly.

The funeral was last Thursday and I think that the reaction I had was just a sadness, nothing more. I suppose that's my way of dealing with death, and there's nothing wrong with it.

Again, thanks for your support! It means a lot.