Struggling with father's suicide

when i was ten years old my father commit suicide, i was a few months into fifth grade. From then on, I was known at the girl with the father who killed himself. It has been 15 years and i still struggle with him being gone. I can not watch movies or news stories about people losing loved ones, it just makes me want to ball up and cry like a little girl. I get choked up when i talk about him.
I hate it. Everyone around me has their father and i dont. Mine took himself away from me, how could he do that if he loved me? He said he would always be there for me. . . where are you now daddy?!

I was young when he died... i did not yet understand what death really was... I just figured that he was gone for now and will be back later. I even saw his dead body in the casket, i watch the lid close, they lowered him and buried him. But i still thought he would be back, dad played jokes all the time. Months and years passed, and i still wait for my daddy to come back. Now when i was about 12 or 13, reality hit me, he is never going to come back. He is gone. I did not even get to say goodbye. then for months i could only think about when, where, and how i am going to die. I was freaked out about my own death for a while.

I think all this has left me afraid of the unknown. Knowing that there are so many things out there that can destroy ones life makes me paranoid and stirs up anxiety.

So now here I am, 25 years old and paranoid as hell about everything.

I am sorry you had a reason to join this forum but welcome.
have you thought about some grief counseling? I would imagine being a small child and losing a parent like that would be very very hard to deal with. I am so sorry you are going thru this.

((( vpariah )))

I'm sorry you lost your dad. When you lose a parent as a kid, it's a lifelong void that can never be filled. Ever. And suicide just makes it harder to understand.

I was in the fourth grade when I lost my father. I had just turned 10. I was the first kid to have a parent die.

I remember for the longest time I couldn't say the words "he died." When another kid asked me about my father, all I could say was "I don't have a father."

He died Memorial Day weekend. June was Father's Day and kids were making cards in art class. I didn't know what to do. I remember staring at the blank piece of paper wishing someone would tell me what to do.

I also went through a horrible period of being afraid to go to sleep because I thought I'd die. (When they told he he died, they said he went peacefully, he died in his sleep.) I would struggle for what seemed like hours to keep my eyes open.

I have very few memories of him and the ones I do have are "snapshots" not actual moving / talking memories.

i wish i could remember what my dads voice sounded like. All i have of him are photos, and very few of those.

I just get really choked up at certian holidays, (Valentines, july 4th and halloween... those were dads favorite.) And since i am the only girl in the family, he sure spoiled me on those days. These times just make me miss him more, miss that love.

If it helps at all, I do understand.

Seems we have a lot in common. I too am the only girl and the youngest.