[thunderbear]

Today I went to my mom's grave for the first time in over a year. I went with my mamaw to put flowers on her grave. I have been feeling just lain strange since then. I still find it hard to belive she is actually gone. I stared at her stone and her picture and name for a while. It just brings back so many bad memories of when she was sick. That's when all of my issues began, while she was sick. And her death made them worse. I guess I am still grieving her. Although it has been almost 6 years since her passing. It was just traumatic anyway the way she died. I remember she was laying there and they had just found out she had too many tumors to remove safetly and she had about 50 staples and over 200 stitches in her abdomen area. And feces came out of the staples and stiches. The nurse did'nt come when we rang her so I cleaned it up myself. My mom was soo tiny after the radiation she only weighed 86 lbs. and she was weak and bald and she looked scary but my heart broke everytime i had to get her up to be washed off or go to the restroom. She would speak to my poppy who had died just months before her. And she would swear he was standing next to her (he probably was). I have been having nightmares about the manner in which she died. And i feel bad because I should'nt be afraid of Mom. But i get scared and somtimes i smell the smells from the hospital. And ever since thi morning I can not get her out of my mind. Mabye I might still be grieving. i did'nt cry the whole time she was sick or at her funeral. Mabye that's whats wrong with me. I'm just very sad right now

[bebop]

death like that is very difficult to deal with. my mom died of pancreatic cancer almost 16 yrs ago. for months and months I heard the sounds she made for 6 hrs before she passed. for me the healing started when I finally accepted it. my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[(JD)]

Everyone mourns eventually. It's very common to delay the process for years. Be easy on yourself.

[thunderbear]

Originally Posted by bebop

death like that is very difficult to deal with. my mom died of pancreatic cancer almost 16 yrs ago. for months and months I heard the sounds she made for 6 hrs before she passed. for me the healing started when I finally accepted it. my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Thats what my mom had it was called adema carcinoma and it spread to her ovaries. I'm sorry you lost your mom to.

[eskielover]

(((((((((Thunderbear))))))))))))),

I know exactly what you mean. My mother died of cancer just 4 years ago in January. She let the cancer go until it was stage IV & it was a cancer that was obvious (vulvar). By the time she decided to do anything about it, it was into the **** area & the lymphnodes in the abdomin. The surgery was the June before & the Dr told her "he got it all"......so she believed him & believed that God gave her that Dr to save her life. The surgery didn't heal & the drain had to be taken care of constantly.......she went home to her own house (my Dad had died 13 years before) so she was alone except for a boyfriend she met at church who had just lost his wife. As time passed, she was getting more ill. The swelling in her legs from the lymphedema (when the lymphnodes are removed this is the result). They were so bad she couldn't walk anymore but refused to go to the specialist because her surgeon wanted to control her & get all her medical money....maybe afraid that another Dr would tell my mother the truth also.

Just before Thanksgiving, I am sure she had a mild stroke. Like your nightmares, that picture in my mind from that thanksgiving haunts me continually. Even this last Thanksgiving when I was enjoying it with my new friends here in Ky, I sat there & saw my Mother just the way he was that last thanksgiving. I had to fight back the tears....I didn't want to bring down our enjoyable meal with my bad memories.

Right after that, I fought to get her into the hospital & sure enough, she had blood clots in her legs. It was downhill from there & the Dr wouldn't admit the cancer was spreading.....being the only child & only family, you would think they would have included me in on information, but NO......my Mothers desire to be in her own home & refusing help, ended up with a home care person who was a neighbor & friend of my mothers boyfriend & his daughter. This person came into the house & stole all the valuable jewelry, wrote checks I caught & stopped payment on, I caught her applying for a credit care using all my Mothers ID infomation & then she had the police called on me to accuse me of abusing my Mother followed by OD'ing her on the morphine......when I was finally able to get my mother out of the house & back into the hospital. I never left her side in the hospital for fear the woman would do something more to her or me when I went to the police about it.......but living in the hospital next to my Mother for those next 3 weeks everything you describe is close to the same. In her case it was continual diaheria & the smells on the hospital were making me feel even more sick than I was already feeling from the stress (I was loosing so much weight, I ended up sick). I would find myself spacing out (later my pdoc said it was depersonalization as it continued after my mothers death). They never would admit that the cancer had spread until they were letting her go from the hopital & I made sure I found a wonderful nursing home close to my home & they admitted that her lungs were full of cancer. When she was in the hospital, they were continually forcing her out daily for scans & weighing to the point where she was in so much pain their treatment was stupid & pointless (probably just to get money) instead of telling her the truth. It was the most traumatic thing I have ever lived through & like you, the nightmares, not only of my Mothers condition, but of the home care person attacking us only left me once I move from California to here in Kentucky, away from it all. While I was taking care of everything there & going to the cemetary occasionally, would make the nightmares that much worse.

I can understand what you are feeling.....I don't think grieving has any set amount of time....there are parts of it that go on forever....expecially when there are trauma sorts of things we went through with it.

I ended up in the same hospital my Mother was in from the extreme weight loss for almost a month & had just gone back into the hospital the night I finally told my Mother she would only get well if she allowed herself to die & quit holding on. She died a couple of hours after I left....I got a call the next morning in the hospital. In some ways I guess for me it was good as my medical Dr made sure I had a psychologist see me everyday & I had wonderful support while in the hospital in planning my Mothers funeral (graveside only with only close friends & family for fear her boyfriend & the home care person might show up).......it was the most scarry situation I have ever experienced besides going through the painful process of my Mothers death.

I didn't cry the whole time either......the morning of the funeral, I didn't even remember what I was supposed to be doing that day. I had spaced out so bad & I had to leave the hospital against medical advice to go to my Mothers funeral with the promise I would come back for the IV nutrition that next week.

I am sure the memories of traumatic situations stick with us forever (they lessen in time but will always be there). I know my Mother told me that my Dad had spent his senior year of highschool caring for his Mother who was dying of cancer also.....I know it stuck with him all his life even though it lessened with time.

The nightmares you are having don't mean you are afraid of your Mother. They are just your mind processing the experience you went through. The remembering sights & smells is the mind processing the traumatic experience it was to you. Unless we are Dr's, or nurses who encounter this as part of their daily work, we don't experience these kinds of situations & they stand out in our mind in a very traumatic way, especially when it is a parent ( or child).....but have actually nothing to do with fear of the person. Visiting her grave brought those memories back up to the surface by taking you back to the place where all your memories of your Mother came together at the end of her life.

Let yourself know it's ok & normal to feel the feelings you are experiencing.

Debbie

[thunderbear]

Oh eskie that is so awful! I'm sorry you had to deal with a thief like that while your mom was so ill. I hope the person went to jail or answered some way to her crime. You mentioned somthing else that bothers me. When my mom was in the hospital the nurse gaver her morphine and did'nt write it down so the next nurse came in and gave her diladid (sp.?) and it caused her to go into a heart attack. some doctors and nurses are so negligent to the dying.

[eskielover]

Thunderbear,

I know what you mean.....it is so sad that even with illnesses that are so traumatic, the care & respect isn't given to the person who is dying. I know we are more sensitive when it's our parent, but I believe that the treatment of all people who are dying is not handled with the sensitivity & respect that it should be.

Sadly, that person who did the home care with my mother walked away to do it again. My report with adult protective services was messed up & when I talked to a man who was the leison between the police & APS, he said it would open a can of worms (maybe I should have).....but there was a change of command at the time & nothing was done about that. The police couldn't get enough on the lady because I stopped everything from happening when I stopped payment on the checks, she knew not to cash them & everything else was her word against mine as I caught everything before she could really do it......so she is out there abusing more older people with cancer, stealing everything she can from them....justifying it by the fact they are dying anyway.

Oh my unresolved anger about these things does hit many times, but I try hard not to let it eat me up or it would....I try to let it out usually in places where it might help someone. I keep praying that someday, she will be arrested & they will call me & let me know that I can be a witness against her.

I have plastered the story in many places on the internet so if anyone google her name, they the story will come up.....but not much more I can do than that now. Since moving to Ky, the nightmares have gone away & here, there is no chance of running into any of them.....so I am more free here to have my life back to more normal....only the memories hit when something triggers them.....so I am much better than when I was in California.

It is horrible when we think back & realize things that happened that we couldn't realize & stop at the time....I know exactly the feelings you are going though.......

Debbie

((((((thunderbear))))))))) my thoughts are with you
after 8 years its still very hard to go home and see the graves
may peace find you
till then sending caring thoughts

[I_WMD]

thunderbear ,,,,

I understand the * scary and weight drop * being what seems to come up in our minds eye ,,,,, One thing that helped me out >>> was to just remember ,,the eyes never seemed to change ,,,, and even now ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, they reach inside ,,

WMD.

[eskielover]

That is truly beautiful WMD......I know how true this is expecially with someone close who was willing to have the eye contact as intimate communication.

What a blessing to have the eyes which are the path into the soul for the real memory to focus on & take away from the other destruction that cancer causes.

Debbie

[lynn P.]

Hi,
I'm so sorry you had to go through so much with your Mom's illness and that you're stiil having a hard time. Even though your description was graphic, one thing was obvious - that you were THERE for her. That is something to be very proud of and you were a good daughter. Thank God she wasn't alone. Grief is difficult and different for every person. I hope in time, that good memories will slip in , to replace those bad hospital memories.
I remember my mom who died 15 yrs ago after a long battle with strokes. In the final days I remember being with her all the time. I remembered laying my head on her chest and thanking her for being such a great Mom.
You said your problems started when she got sick. I'm sure your Mom wouldn't want you to feel bad at all. She gave life to you and wouldn't want you to spend it feeling sad.
I hope the waves of grief will give way to peace and fond memories. Try not to think about the sickness and the horrible death, but instead think of the great qualities that your Mom had.