[ForeverLonelyGirl]

I am 22 months off and still have a laundry list of withdrawal symptoms, a lot physical and tons psychological. It's an incredible nightmare that won't end.

The last few weeks I have noticed myself notably shaky all the time. I can be out somewhere feeling anxious and then notice that I am trembling. In addition, I feel like my chest is vibrating which adds to my anxiety. I told my son that I feel like "Alien", like something is going to jump out of my chest! It's like a vicious circle when a physical symptom like trembling seems to cause increased anxiety.

What is disturbing is that I am really afraid that this has not reached it's peak and wonder what horrific physical symptom is coming next? Will I break out in hives or terrible bumps all over my body and face? Will I get shingles due to the stress this has put my mind and body through? I debate back and forth whether to take a klonopin and stop the cycle of what seems to be a worsening of my physical condition. Many bad things have happened to my body since going through this withdrawal. Weight gain, GI problems, blood pressure vacillates from high to low. I retain fluid all over and sometimes have wheezing and symptoms of congestive heart failure. My doctor who does not think I am having these symptoms because of klonopin withdrawal (typical of most mds) and sent me to a cardiologist. Since the symptoms come and go randomly, he found nothing wrong with me (at the time).

This is so super frustrating, with no one in the medical community supporting me, they do not believe that you can have such a long, protracted withdrawal with such physical symptoms. There is really no one to talk to about all this either.

I have to believe that I have suffered some long term permanent effects from all this. Allegedly, this will all go away and I will feel better than ever. At the least I will need some kind of physical rehab to get my body back in shape, being inactive has definitely taken a toll.

[gayleggg]

I am so sorry that you are having such a tough time getting off of klonopin. I was one of the lucky ones. I didn't have any withdrawal symptoms.

I hope they get better soon. No one should have to suffer so from taking a medication that is supposed to help us, not leave us worse off than we were in the beginning.

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Thanks so much Gayle! You were extremely lucky. I think you told me about that a while back. There is an online support site called benzo buddies that I went back to yesterday after a break. Thousands of sufferers there recount similar stories as mine. It's tragic really. The powers that be and big pharma seem to have the upper hand. No one can seem to successfully sue for the tragic loss of their livelihoods and their life as they once knew it due to the damage incurred by benzodiazepines. That is just incredible to me. People can win thousands for damages from other types of medicines. Their is something really wicked under neath it all.

I have an attorney that I consulted waiting for me to visit about this, but I don't feel emotionally or financially strong enough to even begin to wage that war. Me against big pharma? Ha ha ha. No way! I understand that large movements to bring litigation against the doctors and drug companies responsible gets quelled very quickly. Isn't that interesting???

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Sometimes I feel like the only non drinker in a bar here. Not too many "get" the long suffering that occurs with this. I had to go back to a benzo withdrawal support site to find anyone that can even relate. Literally THOUSANDS on that site are dealing with the same thing that I am. I know lots of people on this site are on benzos still, I was one of them. I guess I would not have not understood or believed in this protracted withdrawal syndrome either.

That is why it is such hell, it is so lonely and isolating. Not too many everyday people have been on such a drug for years and then been forced to go off of it. You get forced into being treated the same as a drug addict, although it was prescribed by your friendly family doctor just like any other medication that you take. Then when the it becomes apparent that it is a toxic substance, is ruining your life and you go off of it, you become a severely disabled "recovering drug addict". If you research you find that benzo withdrawal is worse...longer and more severe than opiate or heroin withdrawal. You can say that it is just not true, but I challenge you to experience it for one day!

[SnakeCharmer]

ForeverGirl, there was a time when I could barely imagine such long withdrawal symptoms, but someone I knew went through it, I studied up on the subject and came to understand that benzo withdrawals are the worst known. Worse than cocaine or heroin or alcohol. Worse than tobacco. Worse than all of those combined together.

Most doctors are woefully uneducated because the drug companies first touted benzos as safe and non-addictive. They're safe compared to barbiturates, but they're highly addictive. Many doctors believe Klonopin is non-addictive and where I live they hand it out like candy to anyone with any kind of anxiety or bereavement.

You're brave to face this and to keep going. It will eventually get better, but there are, indeed, thousands of people suffering the hell on long-term withdrawal and thousands more who'd like to get off and don't have the strength. I don't know if I'd have the gumption. I don't take it. After seeing what my friend went through, it's definitely a drug that scares me.

Take care and I wish you continued courage.

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

ForeverGirl, there was a time when I could barely imagine such long withdrawal symptoms, but someone I knew went through it, I studied up on the subject and came to understand that benzo withdrawals are the worst known. Worse than cocaine or heroin or alcohol. Worse than tobacco. Worse than all of those combined together.

Most doctors are woefully uneducated because the drug companies first touted benzos as safe and non-addictive. They're safe compared to barbiturates, but they're highly addictive. Many doctors believe Klonopin is non-addictive and where I live they hand it out like candy to anyone with any kind of anxiety or bereavement.

You're brave to face this and to keep going. It will eventually get better, but there are, indeed, thousands of people suffering the hell on long-term withdrawal and thousands more who'd like to get off and don't have the strength. I don't know if I'd have the gumption. I don't take it. After seeing what my friend went through, it's definitely a drug that scares me.

Take care and I wish you continued courage.

Thanks so much Snake Charmer! You are spot on about the difficulty of this. Some days I wake up feeling so horrible that I wonder how much longer I can face it. I certainly do not want to! I stay constantly revved up and my body is tremulous non stop, even when you wake up out of a dead sleep. No reason for it psychologically, it is the physical withdrawal effect. I can definitely understand a person ending their life due to this, it is no way to live. You want someone to blame or hurt back for your great suffering and there is no one in particular. What a conundrum!

[Fallindown]

Funny I caught this post as I can't sleep tonight because I'm out of Klonopin. It sucks and I've done the complete withdrawal once before. Never again. Sorry you're having such a tough time of it.

[rwither1]

I've been on that med for more years than I care to admit. I have heard that it can take a really, really long time to get it out of your system, so while awful what you are experiencing is somewhat "normal" insofar as what doctors have told me about the dangers associated with klonopin. Best of luck to you.

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Originally Posted by rwither1

I've been on that med for more years than I care to admit. I have heard that it can take a really, really long time to get it out of your system, so while awful what you are experiencing is somewhat "normal" insofar as what doctors have told me about the dangers associated with klonopin. Best of luck to you.

Thank you. I'm affected every minute of every day by the this and one of the hardest things is how it has caused a lot of separation and bad feelings towards me with family. Some do not want to try to "get" it. I don't mean to sound angry now, it has caused people to lose patience with me. Children do not understand if you are unable to do something with them because you feel super anxious.

It sounds unbelievable but my granddaughter was eleven when this first started, now she is 13 and seems to be very unhappy with me right now. Does not want anything to do with me. Also it has caused major family disruptions because of my inability to help with my dad when he was in the hospital. Trust me, people do not understand the depth of the despair and anxiety. They just call you crazy.

[Fallindown]

FLG, I can truly empathize and you can get through this. Have you considered taking just one or even one-half of a Klonopin to alleviate the withdrawal? It sounds like caving-in but with your symptoms your body might respond in a positive manner. Just yesterday I was having panic attacks from not having it for 2 days. I went and got 4 more tablets. Good luck my dear.

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Yes, I have thought about it many, many times. I just fear that taking what I would call a "rescue" dose would set me back in healing.

My theory about withdrawal symptoms is that our brain/body as a whole is craving to get fed another dose which seems totally insane after being off 22 months and counting. A person can heal from most any kind of trauma after a year, but 2 years...? I cannot imagine why my body IS still craving it.

I am sure it is way more complex than I think it is. I have such tremors all the time, not obvious shaking but just enough that I feel it. About a year ago when I was going through this and having more emotional anxiety about the holidays, I took a couple of rescue doses. I feel guilty about those and regret them all the time. I fear that they might be why I am still not recovered.

Every day is a struggle. It took me until 3 pm to feel human, get dressed and get a shower. So I went out driving to return a package and immediately realized that all the traffic was going to be too much for me. I was able to only do one errand at a store only 3 miles from my house and had to go back home. You cannot imagine how frustrating it is to take all day to get ready to go somewhere then just be completely unable to do what you would like to because of anxiety. When I get in traffic, I get this illogical fear that something awful is going to happen. I will pass out at a traffic light, cause an accident or someone will hit me.

It's a really disgusting feeling. You do anything to avoid that. The more I stay in, the harder it is to get out and drive. I used to love to go places. I would spend all day out going here and there, now I can hardly do what I have to do at places very near to my house. This has gone on long enough!!!

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Didn't want to start a new thread about the "Many woes of my post klonopin withdrawal nightmare" due to I am already past being redundant and repetitive. Still this is what is ruling and taking over my life. I guess I seem very self involved and absorbed. I'm not sure that anyone can experience this and not be.

When I woke up today, after my 6 hours of restless sleep, I was lying in my bed contemplating it all. Do I get up and start another crappy day or try to get some more zzz's? Since lying there in peace and silence is not possible...the very loud constant ringing in the ears is still here and will NOT go away!!! I try to figure out why the hell it won't. I have been off the medicine for 22 months now except for one or two tablets to rescue me from intolerable feelings of anxiety and my mom's funeral. No way could I get through that without it at that point in my recovery.

After contemplating this all for a bit, I have come to the conclusion that there is definitely not any relief in sight anytime soon evidently. When I did take the rescue doses, I felt super calm and could sleep a whole night but an overwhelming dark depression came over me that was just too awful for words. That continued until the med wore off. So I realize now that I have 2 choices, I can either feel completely horrible all the time with the ear ringing, trembling, anxiety, gastrointestinal distress, headaches daily and constant feeling of worry with dread OR take klonopin again and be super depressed with likely renewed symptoms of borderline personality and suicidal thoughts. Not to mention having to find a doctor that would be willing to prescribe it for the rest of my life or the continuous ongoing fight to obtain it illegally. Plus the risk of having it taken away from me cold turkey once again and repeating the nightmare of withdrawals once again.

It's definitely a double edged sword with no good choices. I can expect absolutely NO, none, nada help from the medical community. I would be hard pressed to find a doctor that would even seem to understand my predicament, much less try to help me in any way. I am alone in my fight.

I decided back when this all started to try to work through and survive the awfulness of withdrawal, having no idea what I was facing. I have and still am suffering to what seems to be no end in sight. The people on benzobuddies support site that are in my same situation talk about how they just feel like they should be "put down", like a suffering animal. That is pretty disheartening to me. There are a few success stories, after 3-7 years of this suffering, they seem to feel much better but incredibly still have symptoms! That just seems like such cruel and unusual punishment, to coin the legal term.

It does make one wonder, "what did I ever do in my little insignificant life to piss off some deity and deserve to live in a constant hell?"

I think that sums it up!!!

[SnakeCharmer]

It's all right to be repetitive and redundant, if that's how you feel, and to vent this out here if it helps you even a little tiny smidge to not suffer in silence. Because you are suffering. Eventually it will begin to get better, but considering how long you took Klonopin and the effect it had on you, it's not surprising you've having a hard time now.

IMO, it's highly valuable that you and others speak out about this, about the agony of prolonged withdrawal after years of use. Where I live doctors handed out open prescriptions for klonopin like candy for years to anyone with anxiety or any kind of mental health issue that caused insomnia.

They treated it like it was a totally benign substance when it's not. Everyone's beginning to realize that for some patients it causes a lot of problems. There's a push on at the state level to limit the number of pills a patient can have per month and people who've been taking it for years are now panicking and scrambling because they can't imagine their life without big daily doses. For others, it's no problem. Their doctors already limited their use to a reasonable amount and they're doing okay. You were one of the unlucky ones. It may have something to do with how much a person took per day and how long they took it. It may even have something to do with genetics, from what I've read.

When you write from your first hand experience, you may be helping people you'll never meet. The only way people can learn that benzos can be highly addictive drugs with agonizing withdrawal symptoms is to hear about it. You didn't know when you were taking benzos. Your doctors may not have known because klonopin was marketed as safe.

So keep talking, ForeverGirl. There are other posters here at Psych Central who are also suffering due to benzo withdrawal. If even one person hears your stories and pays attention and avoids taking too many benzos for too long a time, then you've all done a public service by sharing what you're going through, as agonizing as it is. Hang in there. It takes tremendous courage to face each day when your body is rebelling against you. It may be hard to see yourself as brave when you feel so cruddy, but it takes bravery to face each day, to write about it here, to even get cleaned up and dressed, knowing you're not going to ease your way by taking that little pill. It's courage, plain and simple.

It's okay to start telling yourself, "Hey, I'm kinda brave and proud of myself because I'm doing this, I'm not giving in. I'm doing okay, even when I feel awful, I'm mustering up some backbone to keep going." It really is okay to say that and think it about yourself. You're climbing out of the abyss, hanging on by your fingernails sometimes, but still hanging on. So keep talking because what you have to say is important.

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Thank you snake charmer. I don't post near as much as I could because I do feel repetitive. I fear coming off as whiny, wimpy, a complainer and someone that just preaches dooms day and that everything is awful. Well, it actually is for me right now but I do have to believe that better days are coming. If I did not I don't know how I could make it.

I hate being a broken record, saying the same stuff over and over. I would hope that someone might read about my situation and learn something from it. I sure wish that I had had an inkling of what was going on in my body and brain.

I do feel that the medical community is highly responsible and at fault for the thousands upon thousands of suffering people that feel that there is no hope because I promise, all the md's that prescribe benzos like candy, quickly turn their back on us that are suffering long term withdrawal. Claiming that it is not possible to be having side effects after 2-4 weeks. Not possible! How many doctors have told me this? It's almost criminal.

One day the truth must come out about this and it should stop being swept under the rug to protect doctors, drug companies and manufacturers. They make big bucks off the sale of benzos, you can believe that. Big pharma does not want the gravy train to be stopped. It is unbelievable what is happening and for those of us suffering, it is truly gut wrenching.

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Quote from another fellow sufferer on a benzowithdrawal support site...

""Doing the worst ever at nearly 49 months out. Waiting every day for some healing breaks that haven't happened yet.

Old symptoms have returned, with new ones starting up, and all the predominant ones that remain constant.

Sometimes I hesitate to post, for fear of not being believed, or being thought of as overly dramatic or seeking attention.

I was always a very independent and strong person. This has shattered me physically, emotionally, and psychologically.

Praying, waiting, and trying to do what I can and remain hopeful...""

Unbelievably tragic and sad. 4 plus years!