[whenwillitend]

My 8 year old just told me he hates me and doesn't want me anymore. All over a candybar. He misbehaved earlier today, so at the store I wouldn't buy him a candy bar. He said he had been good at the store so he deserved it. I said no. The problem with him is, he behaves until he gets what he wants, and then his behavior goes right back to hell. So, I don't reward 5 minutes of good behavior. He knows that. So he starts screaming at the top of his lungs in the car. Starts banging on the roof and anything else he coudl reach, and kicking the seat in front of him. He kept screaming all the way home. I first told him he was to go straight to his room when we got home. SCREAM. Then I told him he had to stay in his room for one hour. SCREAM. So I kept increasing the time until we were up to the entire day in his room. SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM. He yelled at me that I"m a liar (he insisted that he hasn't had a twix bar since he was six, which is so not true), and that he hates me and doesn't want me anymore.

I feel he's regressing. I don't think therapy is working for him so far. For the last six weeks or so they've been working on his anger issues, and in the last two weeks we've had two of the worst meltdowns ever. I can't handle his behavior. I don't know what to do. I'm scared for his future. I'm scared for him. I do love him. I don't know what to do.

[lynn P.]

(((whenwillitend))) - I'm sorry you're going through stress with your son. This is my 2nd time writing this post but somehow it didn't go through. I'm the mom of a 9 and 13 yr old and my girls have both experienced meltdowns, more so when they were younger. I realize since your son's in therapy, your situation might be worse but I just wanted you to know I have been in your shoes, from the way you describe the meltdown.

I remember when my oldest was younger, she wanted a whole bag of candy canes and I wanted a smaller amount -this resulted in a major tantrum. I know now I should have left the store, but I needed food lol, so she cried and ranted the whole shopping trip. I laugh at it now but it wasn't funny at the time. I've also had my seat kicked numerous times.

I think you're doing everything right in not giving in and just remember to be consistent. It used to help me by making a deal - if my child is good the whole trip, then she would get a reward. Make sure when you're shopping that he's not hungry - they're more moody when they're hungry. I also realize now, it's virtually impossible to negotiate wih a child who's having a meltdown and it's best not to even talk to them when they're ranting - they can't even absorb a word we're saying. It's better to give the consequences and ignore the yelling/crying. I know it hurts when he says those hateful things but I doubt he really means it and yes I've heard those words too. I just wanted you to know you're not alone with having a misbehaving child and I hope it gets better for you and your son.

[KathyM]

Yup - kids can be a feisty handfull. From the moment of conception until the day you die, there will be beautiful/loving moments - and many moments of sheer hell (worry, fatigue, etc.)

This hold true for each phase in life (infant, toddler, child, preteen, teen, preadult, adult, grandpa - if you're lucky enough to still to be around to be here).

Your child needs to know that he can trust your word and trust your heart to be there for him in the beautiful times and in the horrible times. He also needs to know how far he can push you before you say "that's enough - go to HELL." They need to know you still like them, even when they're driving you nuts and spitting in your face.

When my son was 2, I saw him reach for the stovetop burner out of the corner of my eye as I was washing dishes. I told him NO - that is very HOT. He paused, but then I saw him inching his finger back towards that burner. He touched that flame and pulled his finger back FAST. My response to him was "I told you it was hot." He learned how to trust me.

When my son was 8, I told him he couldn't go somewhere he really wanted to go because he was being too sarcastic with me. He flipped his lid and started throwing things. When he threw a container of Ajax at my wall, it busted open and there was cleanser everywhere. When he was finished with his rant, I told him to grab a rag and clean up his mess. He didn't get every nook and cranny, but he did a pretty good job. It was a little harder for him to explain what happened when his father came home. My son learned how far he could push me.

When my son was 18, he butted heads with his father and threw a garbage can. We told him to leave - until he learns how to follow house rules. He took off on foot and walked for miles. He came back a few days later - realizing he might need a little more time before he can be his own man and make his own rules.

Try your best to stick with your kids through the hills and valleys in life. The reward will come when you're an old lady, and the kids/grandkids give you a hug and say "thanks for being there for me - even when you weren't."

It's not about punishment, reward, or control. It's about learning how to live and be responsible for our actions.

[Yoda]

I hope you don't take it personally when he says he hates you. He wants to upset you when he says that. Better to be nonchalant and say, that's nice, dear, I still love you despite you being a little terror.

Just my opinion, you can do what you want but, I read that time outs should be equal to one minute per year of age of child. So an 8 y/o would go into timeout for 8 minutes. After that 8 minutes if they continued to misbehave they go back into time out for another 8 minutes. And so on.

I always used the same chair and put it in an area where I could see that he stayed in it. Sometimes he would be upside down in the chair but he was still in it so I let it be.

[Sannah]

The best thing to do is to not respond to his meltdowns and not say a word. When my daughter tried a temper tantrum when she was a toddler I just sat down and watched her and I was able to calm myself. She stopped after a few minutes. I don't think that you have to punish temper tantrums. It was good that you didn't give in with the candy bar. (Is this something new that you are doing, because if it is this is probably why his tantrums are getting worse. It is the best thing to do, however, they will get worse until they get better which will happen).

When kids are getting interventions (his therapy) it can get worse before it gets better.

Yeah, I agree, I wouldn't take the "I hate you" personally.

[AAAAA]

Boy has this thread brought back some unpleasant memories. I think we’ve all had those moments. The best thing you can do is stay consistent. He’s looking for a reaction from you. The more you react the more you re-enforce his behavior. While it seems logical to keep lengthening his time out I found it more effective to stick with “when you are ready to behave you can come out of your room.” By continuing with the conversation (about Twix bar) you are giving him what he wants. It is your decision and it needs no explanation. Every time you up the ante by lengthening his time out, you let him know that he is getting under his skin.

A discussion when he’s calm to explain that his behavior and consequences are completely within his control. If he continues to act up once he comes back out a simple “you’re not ready yet” in a calm voice is his prompt to return to his room.

When my kids told me they hated me I replied: I love you. I swear to you if you change your behavior he will change his. He knows you love him. Why else would his worst weapon against you be “I hate you”. He’s trying to punish you.

When he’s having a meltdown find something to do that will calm yourself down and give him the impression that you don’t notice him in the slightest. Pick up a book (which you will not be able to read, but it looks like that has your attention) or wash the dishes. He NEEDS your reaction to fuel the meltdown. DO compliment him when he is behaving whether it is because he wants a treat or not. I hugged with “I really enjoy spending time with you” this will eventually be what he craves. Whether or not to greet him when he returns varies by child. With three of my kids I would say “welcome back, are you ready to behave now?” and they would say yes and that they are sorry. However that would set the youngest one off again.

I personally do not believe in paying for good behavior. In my opinion that just sets the stage for problems in the future. What if you cannot get him the toy or treat he wants? In a child’s logic, that gives him permission to misbehave. Good behavior was always expected.

Every single parent has had several of these moments. I truly feared what was going to happen with my youngest. He had such anger issues. It took years of hard work on all of our parts (me, hubby, siblings and most importantly himself) but he did learn not only to control his temper, but how to avoid triggers, and how to calm himself if a trigger was unavoidable. He will be 18 in a few weeks. He is on the honor roll and has already enlisted in the Marines as a military police officer.

Don’t give up! There is light at the end of the tunnel!

[Can't Stop Crying]

All I can say is hang in there...parenting is the toughest job in the world!

[Ardmore]

I remember being like that when I was younger, you know when he said he hates you, he doesn't mean it, all I can make out of this is this:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoiled_child

I know I never meant it when I was that young, and I'm pretty such he doesn't either.

[whenwillitend]

Thank you all! His behavior is back to normal for now. I printed out a new behavior chart, he gets points for certain good behaviors, and loses points for things like lying and arguing. He's all excited about it. I hope it will make a difference.

[KathyM]

(((Whenwillitend)))

It still sounds a little like you are trying to control him by rewarding him with treats - if not, you'll take away his reward. What will he learn from this? What will you learn from this?

If you're going to keep score on his emotions and behavior, you can show him he can trust you by placing a behavior chart of your own next to his. He can reward you with points for good behavior, and take away points from you when they are bad. If you decide to do something like this, please don't let it become a competition to see who can win or lose the most points.

[Ardmore]

Originally Posted by whenwillitend

Thank you all! His behavior is back to normal for now. I printed out a new behavior chart, he gets points for certain good behaviors, and loses points for things like lying and arguing. He's all excited about it. I hope it will make a difference.

Now that is a good start, I'll give you the best of luck.

[evaone]

Be consistent. once you set the rule stand for it. kids usually acts like they are going to cry, scream just to get what they want. try to seek a professional help for anger management.

[whenwillitend]

Thank you. He is in therapy and they're working on his anger issues. It has gotten mildly better. He's definitely doing much better in school.