I can't take it anymore

I can't handle my 8 year old anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. A week ago his school called me and told me that he had thrown tables across the room so they had to clear out the classroom, he had taken his shoes and socks of and thrown those across the room, had crawled under his desk and refused to come out, and then yelled at everyone, including his counsellor at school. He's going to get kicked out of elementary school if he keeps this up.

And then today I noticed my husband's coin collection missing. Those are very valuable coins, uncirculated, that he had bought as an investment. It turned out that my 8 year old had taken them, taken them all out of their little cases, broke all the little cases, lost some of the cases, and lost some of the coins.

He is constantly lying and stealing, and I don't know what to do with him anymore. He's already in therapy. No punishment works, no reward system works. I'm seriously at the end of my rope. We have looked into military schools, but there are none that take 8 year olds. I seriously don't know what else to do with him anymore. It scares me to think about his future if he continues down this road. I love my son, but I can't handle him anymore. All he does is argue and fight, lie and steal.

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know all about it, having similar problems with my 6 year old son at school and at home. My daughter also has ADHD but is not having the major outbursts of behavior issues. (Thank goodness!)

Has your son's doctor evaluated him for ADHD or Sensory Integration Disorder? If not, it might be something to look at. Is he on any kind of meds? If not, again, something to look at. If he is, maybe something about them isn't working. The therapist may not be working either, could be he/she needs to do something different.

My son is on an IEP at school so that he can receive special services specifically for his behavior difficulties. He needs a lot of help with transitions, "breaks" after doing a certain amount of work, and help remembering to make good choices even when his emotions overwhelm him. There are still strict consequences in place so he is held accountable for his actions, but he simply needs more help than the average kiddo. The school is responsible for giving him the help he needs - that's why we have an IEP in place. If you don't, consider having your son evaluated by the school district. Doctors and therapists can write recommendations based on "disability" and showing that it disrupts his ability to learn and function in class.

This behavior isn't coming from a bad kid who just wants to be angry and misbehave. He's asking for help in the only way he probably knows how at this point, by acting out.

Other things to look at are how much sleep he's getting, or not getting - this makes a HUGE difference with my son. He needs 9-11 hrs a night or he will almost always have a bad day. While you're at it, take a look at nutrition and vitamins - there are a lot of things you can do here to help a child with behavior issues - fish oil, omega 3, cut waaaaay back on sugar, make sure he's getting enough fiber.

I'm happy to email or chat with you. It sounds like we may have similar issues with our kiddos and two heads are always better than one.

Thank you for your kind and understanding words. When my son first started therapy a few months ago, the therapist had us fill out some forms to check for ADHD, but she said it didn't look like that's the issue. personally, I think he has inherited my depression, he's already si-ing by picking the skin on his legs until they bleed. His legs are covered in scars and scabs. I'm starting to think he should be on meds too. I know I can't function without my meds, and maybe that's what he needs too.

Sleep is definitely an issue. Dylan goes to bed at 7pm (my husband says he has to earn a later bedtime), but he's always up playing until I don't know when, and probably during the night again too. I KNOW he's not getting enough sleep, but I don't know what to do about it. All I can do is send him to bed.

It's been a horrible afternoon, and I am emotionally drained.

It may be time for a second opinion on ADHD or OCD or something, especially with picking at his legs to an extreme like that. You gotta push until you find a doc who will help him. There is no harm in trying meds either, to see if something works because when you find it does...whoa, what a difference! Life is so much more enjoyable for them. Believe me, I did not want to start my kids on meds, had a lot of reservations about it, but I'm so glad I agreed with their doc to try at least. My daughter was first in the line-up and when we found what worked for her it was like night and day. Now we have a girl who can enjoy being at school, actually learn, have fun and have friends. Not perfect by any means, but manageable and enjoyable.

You CAN do more than just send him to bed. Bedtime should be enforced and structured so he can learn good sleep habits. There's value in him having "wind down" time in his room, but not rambunctious play. Consider giving him a few options of quiet activities like reading a favorite book that's special just for bedtime, listening to quiet music. You can reward him for going to sleep by a certain time - make sure he has a clock in his room of course. So in room by 7p, in bed and asleep by 7:30 or 8p...? Something like that. Do that on school nights and he can earn later bed times for Fri and Sat night, or a special movie, or whatever motivates him. :-)

The bedtime routine is so important for my kids to get to sleep and sleep well. It's predictable, structured, they know what to expect and it's all part of the winding down process. Trust me when I tell you, my kids may drag their feet sometimes but there are no arguments about bedtime and they fall asleep within 20 minutes.



I'm sorry you're feeling so drained. I really do know what it's like. My kids came as foster kids, now we're adopted, and we've had no end to the challenges we've faced. It's constant and some days I feel so ill-equipped to deal, ya know? I have to maintain a support network of my own so I can have that "me" time to rest, physically and emotionally.

More than anything, make some time for yourself, too.

Hugs hugs hugs hugs and more hugs to you!

Ideas for bedtime:

Cloud B has some awesome sleepytime products and toys. I have the Twilight Turtle and Twilight Ladybug for my kids, we've used them for 4 years now. Amazon sells them, too. If I were to buy another product from them I would get the Lavendar Lab.
http://cloudb.stores.yahoo.net/ongo1.html

Another item along the same lines as the Twilight Turtle, but with the added feature of motion would be something like a Harmony Lantern http://www.harmonylantern.com Maybe there is a cheaper version out there somehwere...?

Also, my son has a small fan in his room that he likes turning on at bedtime. It provides white noise that really helps him sleep better. I told him that it can "blow away" any monsters or bad dreams.

Please do not send him to a military school. Anything to do with the military is awful. It's basically considered a cult by some psychologists. Discipline is not everything, love is everything. I have friends who have friends. One went to a military school and did something wrong so they locked him in a room with no food or water for a day. I had a female friend who threw a chair at a teacher once in class...she turned out ok a few years later. Not so good grades, but did really well in gym :P

My husband just retired from the military after 20 years. Let me tell you, he is the ONLY one in his family with a good head on his shoulders, manners, a conscience, discipline, work ethics. He said the military probably saved his life, or he would have ended up like the rest of his family, drug addicted crooks, his younger brother recently died from a drug overdose. Don't diss the military, it has helped a LOT of people get their lives back on track. I'm pretty sure my son will eventually go to military school, because that is exactly what he needs, unless he makes a complete turnaround.

He gets plenty of love from us, but apparently that's not enough, or maybe even the problem. It's time for some tough love.

I tried that last night, and it worked! I told my son if he promised to go straight to bed and stay there, I'd let him play in his room until 7:30pm. He was all for it, and at 7:30 went straight to bed. Awesome! Hopefully it will continue to work.

I'm sorry I did not mean to "diss" the military or say you don't give enough love to your children to anything...

All I have to say, is that if you don't know what to do, Find someone who DOES know what to do, to help him.

He's already seeing a therapist, plus the school psychologist. I don't know who else to look for.

i just said that because I was that child, and everyone was so tired of me and i never got any help

Has he been evaluated by a psychiatrist? My son started taking clonidine to help him sleep when he was in kindergarden and that worked well until middle school.

No, but I think that's going to be the next step. I'm going to talk to my son's therapist next week.

You can consult with a good physcologist in this regard . He will provide some counseling to your child and it really works in this type of cases.

He's already seeing two psychologists. It's not helping.

I can't handle him anymore. My son needed new shoes, so after school I took him to the store and bought him new shoes. At the checkout he wanted a candy bar, and I said no, because he has a bucket full of Easter candy at home, no need to buy more. So he storms off, then starts pushing and shoving me, then when we got to the Barbershop to get both kids haircuts, he started kicking me, and then threw himself on the floor in the middle of the barbershop and just layed there. They tried to get him to get up, no luck. While I was getting his little brother's hair cut, he ran out of the barbershop and layed under the bench in front of the shop. Again, the barbershop people tried to get him to come out, no luck. Eventually he got out and ran off. He kept running from me, even outside in the parking lot. He wouldn't come to the car until I was pulling out of the parking lot (I wasn't going to leave him, but I couldn't chase him down either, so I had to try this). It kept going like this until bedtime. He got in trouble in school again today too. For cursing and punching another student. I don't know where he got that language from, I don't cuss, and I watch carefully what he watches on tv.

I am mentally so exhausted. I can't handle this anymore. What am I suppposed to do with him???

He isn't on any medication is he?
I am so sorry that you are struggling so much right now

No, not yet. He has an appt to be evaluated by a psychiatrist next tuesday. I really really hope they put him on meds. I don't know what else to do anymore.

How about family therapy?

I so understand how hard this is for you right now. I'm so sorry as well.

For my daughter, when son was out of control, she took him to the ER and they called in the local mental health on call person to evaluate him. Maybe he needs some time in the hospital where they can do more evaluations and get him on some meds and see how he reacts to them. He will also learn some coping skills while in there as well.

I know this is a very difficult situation to be in and to think of your child in a psych hospital probably breaks your heart. All I can say is that I thank God for the childrens psych hospital as it has been my daughters and grandsons saviors when he needs med changes etc.

Sending you prayers and strength to continue the good fight.

Thank you sabby. I don't think we have a children's psych hospital here. I've been to all of our local psych hospitals, and I've never seen any kids there.

Oh dear.....there must be something available for the kids somewhere. I can't imagine not having something there to lean on when needed in these cases. Is there anyone you can call, maybe the ER to ask what they would do for a child out of control?

How are you doing today? I hope you have been able to find some "me" time.

Gentle 's to you!

Oh dear, I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

I've had very similar struggles with both my kids, but especially my son. Your guy is most definitely going to need some sort of medication. But also, he still needs to be held accountable for his actions so carefully consider how you're dealing with his misbehavior. With my son, for instance, he loses TV, computer and video game priveleges for a day or a week, depending on what he's done. Also, by the same token, we focus on a good behavior that we want to see more of and when he's reached a goal he earns a special reward like a new toy, special outing, movie night, etc. Since I got really strict with this, both ways, his behavior has improved dramatically.

Hang in there until you can get to the psych doc. Keep reaching out to folks here and to your friends and family for support.

Thank you both. 2muchcoffee, I do the same with my son. He has to earn computer time, and he only gets to play computer or videogames on the weekends period. Losing priviledges throws him into total meltdowns, every time.

The problem is that he won't take responsibility for his actions. It's always everybody else's fault. Like today, he did not get to play on the computer, so he threw a major fit and blamed it all on me, saying that it's my choice and him not getting to play is all my fault.