[ickydog2006]

I'm so stressed out all the time. I have a two year old and he's really really well behaved. Everyone says so. And it's not even that he is stressful, as much as I am stressed. I feel like I can't handle giving him the one on one attention that he should get. I let him watch tv farely often cause I feel like I just can't handle dealing with him. Everyone who knows me says I'm a great mom, I spend a couple hours playing with him a day, take him outside, feed him balanced diet, work on teaching him shapes and colors etc. But I wish he were dead. Like he would be better off without me being his mom. No, I'm not going to kill him. But I kind of wish he would die under someone elses care, so it wouldn't be my fault. I don't know how to deal with these feelings which makes me feel like an awful parent, which makes it harder to deal with him. My husband and I basically count down the years till he's 18 and won't be our responsibility. If I didn't think it would be traumatic for him (and that my parents would kill me) I think we would probably give him up for adoption. My parents are across the country from us, but we visit with them a few times a year to kind of decompress. Have a break, recharge, and then go in telling ourselves we can do this, we can do this. We wanted a child, we thought we were ready. I didn't know my mental anxiety and depression would interfere so much with my parenting, and my husband had no idea the effect of his abusive childhood on his parenting. I talk to my T a little about it, lately we've been dealing with other family drama issues in therapy though. I want to tell my parents, but I'm scared to let them know. Lately, I've just been trying to make it through the day, hoping that it's just the PMS making it this unbearable right now. I'm so tired of crying and not being able to sleep. I just want to not feel guilty for feeling this way. And I've never heard of anyone feeling this way towards a child that is well behaved. Will this feeling get less intense as he gets older? I'm terrified of my son ever finding out that I feel this way. My mom is coming to visit for two weeks in July, so I'm trying to focus on just making it till then. I don't know how someone can feel this way towards a child and not be a bad parent.

[lynn P.]

(((ickydog20006))) - its takes courage to be this honest with your feelings. The fact you feel guilty means you're not a bad parents. Is your depression worse after the birth of your son - postpartum depression can occur up to 3 yrs after giving birth. Do you ever get breaks where you can go out? If not, do you have another mom where you could trade babysitting with? Where I live they have services where you can sign up for toddler and mom activities and some libraries have reading times for little ones. I hope you'll be able to find a good solution and your depression will get better.

[Perna]

Lynn's ideas about finding another mom or group where you can be with others and share duties sometimes are good ones.

Maybe you can think a little more short-term, too; it should get a bit better when your son starts pre-school/kindergarten and you don't feel like you have to be with him every moment for him to get the benefit of being your son. Being able to work or go out while he's at school for a few hours was really freeing for my daughter-in-law with her two children (who are now 7 and 8). I know my other sons are single and arrange their schedules to babysit some too (one gives an entire day, loves being with the kids).

That you feel like this now does not mean you will always feel this way. It is good you are realizing these things and talking to your therapist some about them though.

[Travelinglady]

I read somewhere that no one is a good parent to their child at all ages. That is, some are good with infants, some with toddlers, some with pre-teens, etc. Your son is at an age where most everybody struggles with caring. You might find you'll feel more comfortable as he gets older.

Yes, you do need some time away from him. But I found that just getting out with my children, such as taking them to play at a park, to McDonald's for a snack and to their playground, to a library program, etc. helped to settle my nerves. I was really going batty just staying at home with them day after day! I had my moments, too, when I was ready to trade them in, although I love them very much. (They are now 21 and 19, so we all survived!)

If you can get out with at least another mother, too, while you're at it, then you and she can have some adult conversation while they play.

Those of us who were abused with children, I think, do struggle more with parenting. I made some mistakes, but I stayed in therapy and I was able to keep from abusing them like I was abused. My young adults still remember some of the things I did and said to them that weren't cool, but overall I did okay. They are great adults and I am proud of them.

And, yes, he will be going off to pre-school, and regular school later on and will be able to get involved in other outside-the-home activities.

You are a good mother for even worrying about being "an awful mother." It sounds like you are spending quality time with him and that's more than some folks do.

And, you do have your T to talk to, as you get other issues dealt with. I put both my children into therapy, too, knowing that they needed someone to talk to about me!

[Yoda]

Several years ago I read a book that described "good enough" parenting. The author acknowledged that all parents are imperfect and make mistakes but the child doesn't need "perfect" parents in order to be okay. You are doing the best you can to meet your child's emotional needs at this age and at different ages the child will have different needs. For me and my son the most difficult time was from age fourteen to eighteen but my son was exposed to domestic violence from age nine to eleven so that probably was a factor. It certainly affected me and still does. Fortunately my son seems mostly well adjusted now that he is a young adult but he does need more support than most children do at his age.

[Victoria'smom]

I feel like this, my son's 10. He was very wanted but is an only because I can't imagine feeling more like this. Yes it got easier for me, not because the feelings lessened but there's more community support as kids get older. If your like me your actually a better parent because your trying to make up for the guilt. I feel more like the babysiter then the parent.

Look into head-start for him, I tend to do better when he was younger in daycare or a very structured day. I had the day store up my energy. Then took him home, fed him, bathed him, read him a story and off to sleep. Look into lil' dragons, ymca sports for toddlers, swimming lessons and kinder music.

As he got older we decided to home school so things got tougher. However between school, homework, and sports (lots of sports) it helps. Your only full day off is Saturday or Sunday depending on sport. It still gives you plenty of bonding time w/ family dinner and bed time stories, at ten we still do this every night. He travel's to his grandparents when we can't care for him. He has healthy microwave meals to cook if we can't. We've taught him to make cold food at the 'I can do it my self stage'. We all cook together when we can. He has more chores then most kids his age: clean his bath room/bedroom, his laundry, plan and direct dinner 1 night a week, and help with the dogs. He now regularly stays at friends houses on weekends.

I'm hoping it gets easier with age and I form more of an attachment. If I don't talk about it when he's home I'm sure he'll never find out.

[shezbut]

(((ickydog2006)))

I feel for you ~ I really struggled on some days, and that was before my second girl came along! I got lucky and found a MOMS group in my local area. They were a huge sense of emotional support for me, and gave my daughters opportunities to meet other kids their age and play with them. MOMS Club was so wonderful for me!

I also got my first (and second, for a little while) daughter involved with Gymboree. Not real cheap, but we could afford it at that time.

Even still, I often find myself feeling emotionally removed from my girls. Not because I don't love them. I do love them ~ that I know! But, I haven't fulfilled my expectations of myself as a mommy. I take them to parks, read lots of books, do crafts, YMCA, etc. But, I don't get down on the floor and let myself completely loosen up. NEVER. I think that I'm always at least a little (sometimes a lot) emotionally reserved.

I hate myself for that. I really don't want my girls to think or feel unloved by me. The thought of that brings tears to my eyes & then I repress the emotion. For whatever reason/s, I am very uncomfortable with showing sad or scared emotions.

http://www.momsclub.org