Help me to get better..please!

I have a son with behavioral problems.He also has ADHD, learning delays, Anxiety, and Autistic tendencies. He steals, lies, has exposed himself..showed his penis to other students, grabbed a teacher's breast, said and done violent things that have gotten him thrown out of school. What has bothered me the most is his aggressive behavior toward his 3 year old brother. I have punished and talked to him until i am blue in the face. He doesn't change his behavior and often denies he has done anything wrong. I just don't know what to say or do to help him. He has been in therapy since he was 8 years old He is currently 16. I recently tried to get him additional help through a program called Familys1st. However upon arrival the counselor informed me that her expertise is with kids with normal IQ and recommended a program he was in for years but that program did nothing to help him so i feel it is another lost avenue to turn for help. However the problem is currently not my son. It is me. The last few months i have not been handling things very well. I find my self just going off on him when he does or says things that are wrong...saying and doing things i thought i'd never find myself doing..just being down right mean. I feel extremely guilty for my behavior, but don't know how to resolve my problem with anger. Can anyone help with some advice??????? . I go to therapy twice a month.

Punkin, I can understand your frustration. And it's not uncommon to take out our feelings on those folks who are closest to us. Your son sounds like he would be a challenge to anyone.

Is there any way you can see your therapist more frequently? You could talk more there, and also this person might have some suggestions for other resources and programs. I gather there is no support for you--from spouse, parents, friends, etc.

Do you need some suggestions for how to deal with your anger? I have some ideas.

Are you able to be in any contact with other parents who have children with some of the same issues?

Please let us know. We do care.

Yes. I am a single parent. My dad has been sick last few months and has enough to deal with with my brother. My dad g/f has issues of her own. I tried talking to my son's paternal grandma and she just blew it off saying a lot of kids are like my son. I can't see my therapist more often because she is only in town twice a month. ANY suggestions on how to deal with my anger would be appreciated. Thank you!

It seems to me that “the system” is certainly another candidate for “the problem”. I can certainly understand your frustration. You can’t get effective help for your son and his behavior is causing harm to you and his brother. That’s a real dilemma.

One thought – your son is 16. What harm is likely to come to him if you hold him to some responsibility for his behavior? Not sure exactly what to suggest, but your son cannot continue aggressive behavior toward your 3-year-old. Despite his limitations, he needs to find some way to control his behavior. It is a FAMILY problem. He needs to understand that you can help him, but he has to be a part of the solution. Maybe that will lift him out of a “deficiency” mentality into a place where he knows that “I can still contribute”. That could be good for him, too.

Okay, Punkin, I will look over a book I have with some concrete suggestions and get back to you....

BTW, 16-year-olds can be a handful even if they don't have the issues your son has.

These are some ideas from the book "She's Gonna Blow." They are meant to help control anger.

1) Sometimes a person can stop a volcanic reaction by concentrating on physical reactions. Breathe deeply and slowly, thinking about this process. Concentrate on relaxing the facial muscles. Roll the shoulders. Stretch the hands out, which might be balled up into fists.

2) Remember that being angry doesn't mean you have to act on it. Try not to do anything until you have calmed down. You might need to go into a different room. If you can get into the kitchen, then you might open the refrigerator, stand in front of it, and literally chill out. At least close your eyes and count to ten, if you can't get away.

3) Anger can be dealt with through physical activity and exercise. Scrub the floor, do jumping jacks, run up and down stairs, etc.

4) Try not to speak until you have gained control over yourself. This strategy helps to prevent some kinds of emotional abuse.

5) TRY to think of ways that the child has blessed your life.

6) Vent in a journal.

7) Here's a hotline number for CHADD, for getting help with children with ADD---1-800-233-4050.

I would also suggest that you go to the library and/or a bookstore and find some books on dealing with kids with your son's problems.

I hope that's a beginning anyway! Let us know how you are doing. You CAN vent here, if you'd like. I suspect, too, that some other folks here might have kids with some of these disorders and they might be able to help. Figure out how to write a thread question that will get folks to notice the issues your son is having. More than one thread if you need to!