[hamster-bamster]

I want to hear from people who have had children after 40.

[-jimi-]

The couple I know who had a baby after age 40 for them both are happy having their child.... BUT.... the pregnancy was really really tough, preg had to be ended with c-section prematurely, baby was OK so that was lucky. Here we have parental leave for a long time, and parent had nothing but caring for child for that time. Was still drained and sleep deprived all the time.

Both parents physically and mentally healthy. Still raising a toddler having daycare and back at work, they are both constantly tired and sleep deprived.

At that age you just are not the same as half your age. They are always tired, healthy and two very involved parents.

Toss in a possible single parent, with mental illness and busy. Can you tolerate exhaustion and sleep deprivation and still stay sane? It is hard for someone healthy. I've seen it. A preg can really destabilize you and sleep deprivation sure will.

I grew up with a mentally unhealthy parent. It was tough. Still I made it because the other parent was stable. Thinking about a baby without first being in a good relationship is not a very wise decision. If you would relapse the kid would have a really hard time.

[nicoleb2]

my mom had my brother when she was 39. Incredibly hard on her, both pregnancy and raising my brother (for 10 years till she died). She loved him, and was able to provide everything he needed.
I suppose like anything, there are positives and negatives. You just have to list those for yourself because nobody else can truly know those things.

[Vibe]

My sister was born to an older mother after several miscarriages.

My mom didn't complain much about the pregnancy itself. There were concerns that the baby would be mentally or developmentally challenged, but that didn't happen although the risks were higher.

The biggest problem I saw was that my mother was tired all the time. We pretty much lived on junk and easily made food during my teenage years, which was fine with us. My mother would often just lay down and fall asleep. Fortunately my sister was a pretty easy baby and would just curl up and fall asleep next to her when that happened. If she had been a more headstrong or active baby, there could have been some injuries due to not being watched closely all the time. We got lucky in a lot of ways that I would not count on.

My sister and I were also old enough to keep an eye on her, although we couldn't truly be responsible for her. It was helpful though. I was pretty involved in her care.

The biggest problem now comes from the fact that my father is close to 70 and can't retire because he has a teenage daughter to support. My parents raised my sister when they were in 'grandparent mode', so it was a very different upbringing than the one we got. In some ways, I think they did a better job. It was very hard though and definitely changed their options.

[hamster-bamster]

Sleep deprivation might be a problem if I am unable to sleep when the baby sleeps, and that IS a big concern. I never suffered from sleep deprivation when I was young because I slept with my cosleeping babies. Whether I would be able to do it now during the day is a big question because back then I could just sleep whenever but now I need a bit of help. But in general I think that sleep deprivation is an artifact of the movement to force babies and toddlers into separate sleeping quarters and to maintain feeding schedules and I certainly will not do any of that - I know better. When my son was a baby, I only figured in the morning that I must have breastfed him at night because he was on the other side of the bed - so, I figured, I must have moved him during the night but I had no memory of it. And sleeping with cosleeping children is the most pleasant thing in the world and definitely as restful as it gets and something to look forward to. All in all, I think that sleep deprivation is an invented problem and if the mother follows the child's natural rhythms, she will not be sleep deprived. Had sleep deprivation been a real problem, humanity would not have survived.

[bighands]

Are you pregnant?

[hamster-bamster]

No, just thinking about it. I just came back from visiting a bunch of girlfriends who gave birth to their children between 36 and 40, which is not that much younger than I am now and much older than I was when I had my children (22, 27, 29). All girlfriends are doing fine. So that is on the plus side of things. One married, one widowed, one divorced - the whole gamut. So I saw that it is entirely possible, age-wise. But all my girlfriends have a lot of social support, and I do not. So that is on the minus side of things. Hence, still thinking.

[bighands]

HB,

Are you a glutton for punishment?!?! Do not fool yourself into thinking sleep deprivation is invented because you're wanting a baby badly. It is VERY real.

Be careful to not explain away all of the cons of having a child over the age of 40. I can understand someone of our age who has never had a child or who gets pregnant accidentally, giving birth and raising a child over 40. It certainly can be done successfully but I would not recommend it. Both my wife and I were 40 when we had our last child. It has been one of the hardest things we have ever done and there are 2 of us, 2 wonderful older siblings to assist and we have large families when we need extra help.

We were blessed with a healthy child but we both needed no convincing for more permanent birth control after that. These days, the risk of problems greatly increases every year over 40, especially for things like Downs. even with the help we have, I can not imagine how tough it would be to raise a child with physical or developmental issues.

At our age, feeling the love of cuddling with a sleeping baby is what grand-children are for!

p.s. - Sorry again but I'd be negligent to not mention the fact that you have your own issues to deal with. Why throw the extra heavy load of a newborn into the mix? What would happen to the baby if your bi-polar issues went out of control? Don't risk putting a child through that because your girlfriends put on a great face and don't seem to have a care in the world when you meet them for an hour at the park once a month.

[hamster-bamster]

But there is genetic testing for Down. I certainly would not sign up for caring for a developmentally disabled child.

And I still do not understand about sleep deprivation. I actually have high sleep requirements these days. But the baby's sleep requirements are, still, much higher than mine. Even than mine. So where would sleep deprivation come from? I have never been sleep deprived having had three babies. Sure, I need more sleep now than I needed when I was in my twenties. But, again, not SO much more, right? Who is the adult and who is the baby?

"Do not fool yourself into thinking sleep deprivation is invented because you're wanting a baby badly. It is VERY real."

Well, I have three data points, now ages 19, 14, and 12, and no sleep deprivation with any one of them. So I continue to think that only invented/modern parenting practices can cause sleep deprivation. How would a species have evolved successfully for which raising babies were so difficult and draining? Such species would have long died out.

[nicoleb2]

I was sleep deprived with my first child, now 10. She was formula fed and slept in her room in a crib.

With my second, I had learned a lot more. He was breastfed and co-slept. I was STILL sleep deprived.

The amount of sleep you need vs the sleep needs of a baby mean nothing. Having a baby, whether you breastfeed & co-sleep or not is going to lead to broken sleep. Not something easy to deal with when I was 25, I imiagine it wouldn't be any easier at 40.

And yes, there are tests that can check for downs. So if you get pregnant one, two, three times, whatever, what would you choose to do with that baby? Doesn't seem as easy a choice to me as you are making it out to be.

Having a baby is hard at any age. Having a baby at 40+ is most likely NOT going to be a walk in the park as you make it seem

[hamster-bamster]

With a Down?? Abort. Immediately. What else??

With a broken sleep, I understand, but in my case it does not bother me, because... I already have it. Whatever I use for sleep, a little Elavil or a little Cannabis, in both cases. Very low doses suffice, I wake up many many times a night. I do not why. I wake up and go back to sleep. No problem. My current partner finds it hard to sleep next to me because of it. But I am just fine in the morning. In fact, now I am very lazy since I finally got my car back from ex H, but before that, after such broken night of sleep I would bike to the swimming pool, swim for an hour, bike home, have a quick breakfast, and then bike to work.

So I care for total hours slept. Does not have to be one continuous stretch.

In fact, pdoc said that as long as I go back to sleep easily, it is just fine and not a cause for concern.

But I am glad that you saw an improvement from first baby to second.

[shlump]

I haven't had a suicide attempt and lost custody, or given up willingly custody of my children and I would not consider having a child over 40.

You have had your children.

Thinking abortion before getting pregnant? I do understand and I don't know what I would do, but I wouldn't risk it in the first place.

It may work for you, but maybe you are at a time in life that you can enjoy just for you. You are dating and having new experiences. Is that maybe enough for you?

Whatever you do, please try to continue enjoying this second chance that you have.

[sallyjoseph]

It really depends on person to person if the person has started their Menopause yet, because if they have; it is impossible to get pregnant. If the person is in their 40's and hasn't started their Menopause then it is possible to still get pregnant.
Fruits Suppliers

[gismo]

i had my son aged 42, he was normal birth,from start to finish 2hrs and he weighed 10lbs, gotta say now though i'am really tired,, aged 50 doing the school run,daily looking after,bath,shopping,boy things ect,and he has asd, and i might add i've been seperated from his dad for nearly 5 yrs....
easy when he was a baby . but boy do i know have got him now (phew!)
but i would'nt change him for the world, he is my little man

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by shlump

Thinking abortion before getting pregnant? I do understand and I don't know what I would do, but I wouldn't risk it in the first place.

I am not sure I can even understand the point. You try a new psychiatric drug - you do not know if it would be a success or not. All psychiatry is trial and error. You may have to suffer through very severe side effects and discontinue the trial. You cannot predict in advance what will work. Likewise, here - you try and see through testing whether the pregnancy is with issues and then decide whether to discontinue based on the results of the tests. What is the difference?

How can you not think abortion before getting pregnant after 35? It is just part of the process. It is a consequence of the increased risk of the Down syndrome and, I have just looked it up, the rate of elective abortions after testing positively for Down is close to 100% in UK, US, and continental Europe, which is to be expected.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Down_sy...enatal_testing.

So sure, an abortion and some period to heal after it delays the process and I would not be getting younger, so it would be frustrating, disappointing, and uncertain, but a lot of things in life are frustrating, disappointing, and uncertain.

So that is not an issue.

Prenatal testing is not 100% accurate - that is the issue. Testing may fail to detect Down. So with that risk in mind, one has to think many times. If testing were without error, then I would not mind one or two abortions (the likelihood of Down on more than two trials in order is extremely small) as long as I could be assured that I definitely would not carry a Down pregnancy to term.

[bos314489]

When I was 39 last year I talked to my psychiatrist and gyenocologist about the possiblity of becoming pregnant with my bipolar. I was told I would have to go off all my meds as soon as I started trying to become pregnant because I guess the minute you do get pregnant the baby is exposed to the meds and it is not good. So depending on how long it took to become pregnant I could have to be off my meds possibly 2 years or so and I cannot see that happening. Both doctors agreed it was a big risk and I am glad I decided not to have a child because there is no telling if I would be stable. It was just a risk I was not willing to take.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by bos314489

When I was 39 last year I talked to my psychiatrist and gyenocologist about the possiblity of becoming pregnant with my bipolar. I was told I would have to go off all my meds as soon as I started trying to become pregnant because I guess the minute you do get pregnant the baby is exposed to the meds and it is not good. So depending on how long it took to become pregnant I could have to be off my meds possibly 2 years or so and I cannot see that happening. Both doctors agreed it was a big risk and I am glad I decided not to have a child because there is no telling if I would be stable. It was just a risk I was not willing to take.

Yes, that would mean years and years off most meds. Because, as you said, 1) it could take a long time to become pregnant (my GP warned me of it as well), plus, as discussed, 2) there may be a need to abort a pregnancy and try again, and, if successful, 3) add 3-5 years of breastfeeding - I breastfeed for a long time.

So definitely a concern.

I said most meds because I would need to continue to take a little medication for sleep, but, based on what I found on the internet, it is not a concern for either pregnancy or breastfeeding. I have not discussed it with my psychiatrist yet - I dropped AP and decided that going off APs is enough to discuss in one appointment, but he agreed with some hesitation so that one was fine. Future concerns - one thing at a time.

On the other hand, when I had my children, I was pre-dx so, of course, not on meds, so I know that I am just not prone to PPD; it just is not something that happens to me even in extremely stressful, war zone-like conditions (which I most definitely would not repeat ever). I cannot imagine that changing - I know PPD may worsen from birth to birth but you have to have at least something in the beginning for it to worsen with subsequent births.

((((HB)))) I think I am missing something ... forgive me, Hun.

Why in the world are you seriously considering having a baby right now? I ask not to be mean but because I am truly interested.

Rose

[Harley47]

Hi HB.

I would echo Rose's question...as she said, not trying to be rude, but I am curious. My mother gave birth to my sister at the age of 42. It was, without a shadow of a doubt, the most stressful period of both mine and my family's life. Happy, of course...I love my kid sis, but there's so much fear. Will she be healthy, what are the risks...granted, that fear is compounded by my family's conviction against abortion in all but the severest of cases (which I really, really don't mean to open that whole can of worms...just offering my situation. I understand it isn't entirely applicable here.), but it's still terrifying. And then there's raising her at that age...again, no one in my family would ever ask for a "redo" in my sister being here, but my mother is running on fumes on a continual basis.

There's a lot else to consider...what is your doctor's opinion? Will you be able to continue your medications while pregnant without harming the child? You certainly can't smoke cannabis while pregnant (well, judging off you can't smoke tobacco while pregnant, I would think the same applies...yeah, no additives and all, but that can't be good for the child). Are you prepared to devote the next 18 years (at least) of your life to parenting? How much support do you have?

Again HB, not at all trying to be mean or negative...having seen my mother do it (or rather, watching her do it), I'm concerned for you, is all. I consider you a friend, and I don't want to see you jump into something as monumental as this without considering everything. Please, know I mean no offense.

Hugs,
Harley

[AAAAA]

My cousin had her first (and only to date) child at the age of 42. You hear all of those things about possible birth defects etc. She had a perfectly healthy pregnancy and gave birth to a perfect baby boy.

I used to think hubby and I would make amazing parents to a young child in our middle years. We are so much wiser than when we had our children. But when our granddaughters comes over.... I need a nap! I just don't have the energy anymore to go non-stop with a toddler.

I look back now and wonder how the hell I ever did it in my 20s! In the winter I would get up, snow blow the driveway, put dinner in the crockpot, mix in the breadmaker, shower, put on make-up and fix my hair!!!!, get four kids ready for day/care school and be to work by 6am (which was 20 minutes aways).

Now I have only myself to get ready and I work less than a mile from my home and I STILL have to rush every morning. Just thinking about it, I need a nap.

[Oceanwave]

trust your instincts and make a decision. It is perfectly possible to have a healthy pregnancy at your age.

[delhi23]

Well I had my first baby at 45 and she is one of the best things in my life. It was and is a lot of work and I stressed way more then I needed to. My husband and I had little to no outside support. I have an awful time sleeping so sleep deprivation was and is still an issue. She is three now and I am just starting to feel myself again. I worry about her having such old parents...she misses out on so much grandparents gone...siblings much older than her...but she is healthy and I am grateful. I try to keep my priorities straight and use my energy for her care and play...leaving the house not as clean as I wld like. I find myself having to forgive myself for not keeping everything tiptop...just the top things. As much of a struggle things can be I am hoping in the end she'll be happy to be here.

I think it is wrong to be considering abortion before you're even pregnant. If you become pregnant, you should be willing to carry the baby full-term regardless of circumstances unless your life is at risk. That's just my opinion.