my kids and my relationship

I have been dating a man for over a year now. We were engaged, rented a house together and planned to have a future. My 4 girls all enjoyed him being in our lives until a few months ago. My oldest (16) noticed he was talking "down" to me and he and I were fighting a lot. She questioned me, asking how I would put up with his verbal abuse if I couldn't deal with it from their father (whom I was married to for almost 15 years, we have been divorced almost 3 years.).

I have had 3 long-term relationships since the separation/divorce. Her father remarried 9 months after the divorce was final.

She never wanted me to date after my divorce. She has accepted my relationships very distantly, but this last one she liked right away. Now she hates him. There has been an overwhelming animosity between them for months. He realizes now he was very hard on her, but she is being very hard on me and I just don't know what to do... Because of the stress between the two of them, we called off the engagement, he moved out, but we are still very much in love and still want to have a future together. He is seeing his doctor in regards to possible BPD/NPD treatment. She has him on Zoloft to stabilize the moods. He is also going to AA, and I am going to Alanon.

I am thinking I need to get her into therapy... She is a good kid but has this attitude that I am wrong in every "relationship" decision I make. She doesn't think he deserves a chance to prove he is not the jerk he became recently.

Any solid advice on how to proceed with her is appreciated.

Thanks!

Counseling is a good idea as long as she is willing, which she may not be and you can't force it. It may take time for your bf to prove to he that he has changed and is working on himself so he can be a better companion. With a 16 year old it's hard to say as I'm sure you already know. Give her some time.

I have never been in this situation but I have some thoughts.

1. It is not your daughter's decision if you date or not. You are the adult. You make your own decisions. Your daughter can express her opinion but she does not have the final say.

2. If he is gooing to AA and you are gooing to ALANON, I assume he has a drinking problem. Your daughter's observations by be spot on and you should consider what she says. Sometimes someone looking from the outside can see a problem in the relationship better than those in the relationship.

3. Your daughter is 16. 16 year olds generally think their parents are wrong and stupid. They are hard on the parents and think the parents are hard on them. This situation is a normal part of growing up. She is just being 16.

4. Some how you have given your daughter the power to detemine run the family. She knows it and she is controlling you. You have to take that power back and let her know she is the child in this relationship and you are the mother. You make the decisions for yourself and for her. It is your role in the family, not hers. Take it back.

Hi,

I can feel for you. I am in a similar situation and my 17 year old son will not speak to me. Not one word for over 4 months.

I left a marriage of 20 years. My x was verbally and emotionally abusing me for year and years. Until one day I had a panic attack that lasted for hours and hours and I couldn't breathe right for almost a month. I never went home again. My teenage sons refused to leave their home and come with me.

My best friend was a male who helped me through those first few months. I am now divorced and we are together, (but I will never marry again). My x spun tales of me throughout the town, to my kids, and to my family.

I lost a lot from verbal abuse. I do not care about the community, or friends, or my home.

Missing my sons is killing me. I pray they come around soon.

I do agree that we are the adults and that it is time for us to take care of ourself. Who knows what is right for us? We do. No one has walked in our shoes and no one has felt what we felt.