balance and control

The seems to be a super fine line between the two and complete loss of control. At what point are expectations too much and at what point are they too little? How many lost battles mean you have lost control and how many things do they have control over before you've lost control? And how on earth do you enforce the rules without physical struggles and raising your voice and If you are able to, how do you keep your kids from rebelling later on and not resenting you? How do you earn their absolute respect so that they want to mind in the first place even through teenager-hood? And somebody please tell me there is hope for me when i can't even keep the house clean? Oh and does anybody have tips on having the energy in the first place?

The Good Must outweigh the Bad.

One thing, that's irked me, is the notion that children of abuse, grow up to become abusers, themselves. As if, the cycle cannot be broken, as though, we can't learn from our pains and try to the best to our abilities, to ensure, that we don't turn around and cause harm to our children, like we've been harmed. There's so much pop-literature in 'perfect parenting', that it's mind boggling, then in mom guilt, you begin to berate yourself, for not holding it all together, if you display any semblance of anger towards your child, because, g-d forbid, their little psyches, according to this lit, says, it will damage their self esteem and on and on and on. Wha?~! So, you can be a loving parent, but if you 'raise your voice', damage is now guaranteed to be 'irreparable'? Maybe, it's time, for cutting some slack!

So, in a discussion, I concluded that the reality is, the Good (days) Must Outweigh the Bad(less days, more moments).

Yes, I, come from a broken home. Yes, there's been abuse and neglect. It was a sad decision, realizing that I couldn't raise my children within a broken marriage, so now they are raised in a broken home. But, looking back, I actually learned many things about life because of my stepparents. Sure, there were some not so pleasant aspects about them. Sure, my parents, really probably could have worked things out. Theirs wasn't the type of marriage, that I lived through. Yes, my parents, on my mom's death bed, expressed regret. And, maybe, I am digressing right now. Because, it's hard parenting. Some people, it could be a biological predisposition, are destined to be a bit rebellious. But what matters, when it comes to the end of the day, as the teens become adults with their own children, do they love you? Do you love them?

And, as far as housework....OY!!!! I get ahead, I fall behind, I get ahead, I slide real far down, then I get ahead. Start small. If it means, making sure you tidy the kitchen table at night, every night, until it's routine, then create a new routine, as you try to catch up on everything else, under the sun, then at least you will have one small little routine, to begin with.

Thank you so much for responding. The lack of responses was even more discouraging. There are so many days where it seems so hopeless. Like no matter what you do it will affect their mental health negatively in some way. Right now in working in the home with my kids around.... Hard on all of us.... Will it be better when they're in school or worse because even though we didn't spend all day in the same room i still have to keep house and make dinner and clean up after dinner and do yard work and go grocery shopping and put the groceries away and and and......It's so difficult for me to prioritize i guess. Time with kids or all those other things? The minute I don't do those other things I get so far behind it takes me literally months to get back on track. It's pathetic. Then not to mention the fact I'm nuts...

Yes, it gets better, when they are in school It will still be busy, but the free moments, will happen. Time, cleaning, becomes uninterrupted time.

Thank you so much. :') really.

Hi,

I could have wrote your first post.

Sociopaths do not change. They can't. Keep that on mind as you struggle with trying to keep your sanity. And try as hard as you can not to blame yourself. Their unhappiness and problems with control are their problems, not yours. All you can do is try to change your reactions to him. God, it is hard.

I had to leave my 20 year marriage to a sociopath. I lost my home, my community, and my teenage sons won't speak to me. They blame me. And he is the one who spun tales and lies that caused such wreckage of our lives.

Yet, I am ok. Every single day that I get up I can breathe a sigh of relief. I am not afraid anymore. I don't have to feel crazy anymore. I can hope and dream again. I feel intense pain and grief over my children, but I can try every day with them. I pray they will see some clarity in the future. I can hope.

Take care of you. Do what you need to do for yourself.

Don't let the bastard walk all over you, be strong.

Good luck..

What does this have to do with how I personally parent? My husband is a wonderful father and husband and we have a happy healthy family. When I posted this my son was having a harder time than usual because his routine had been significantly interrupted and I was overwhelmed with not only hours acting out but work as well. I did not indicate anything with my husband or or marriage was an issue because it is not. I happen to actually like my spouse as a person, husband, and father

Hi.

Sorry I had the threads mixed up, there was one with the same title on another thread.

I didn't mean to offend you.

You are lucky your husband is great and it wish you well. I won't go here again.

It's all good