my child will not sleep in his room

Can anyone help/give advice about a child who will not stay in his own room. i thought by this age he would have gotten out of this habit. During the day he is active and happy. He has friends plays sports acts normal but at bedtime he doesn't want to be alone! He has displayed some anxious tendencies about bedtime. He actually stayed in his room for 1month and is back to coming in our room. We are so exhausted we just let him stay but it really takes time away from my spouse anD I. Is it time for professional help? p.s. my spouse does not think its a big deal. I seem like the bad mother for wanting him out enough is enough!

Hello baseline, have you tried one of those plug in lights (very dim) in case he is scared of the dark? Maybe ask your child if there is anything he would like in his room to make it more comforting for him and allow him to tell you any fears he has about sleeping in there.

Thanks, Pegasus he has lighting, a tv, toys. I've tried staying with him until he falls asleep. He says at night he starts thinking about things like his grandfather who passed away, he is afraid something is going happen to me his dad his dog etc. I offered him other rooms etc. it sounds like anxiety to me but I don't know what else to do and like I said my husband doesn't mind if he sleeps with us as long as he gets to sleep. Its not that he takes up a lot of room but it affects my sleep and conversation time with my husband is scarce! Thank you for listening!

How old is he? How long ago did his grandfather die? Sounds as though he is worrying and needs some comfort at night, not ideal for you though. If talking about what's on his mind doesn't work, you could try role playing. So you play along with his pretend games and see what happens... or play with teddies/figures - as long as he is leading the play, something will probably come out (if you have a hunch about what it is, you could say, so this teddy is daddy, this one is you... then let him lead). Children often process anxiety through play.

How long has it been going on? Could you see it as a tricky phase and let it happen until he's settled? I hear you though, it's hard enough at the best of times to get any adult time... or decent sleep.

oh also, there might be some good children's books on dying and death, that might help. Perhaps he's getting some mixed messages (about dying) from the kids at school? Just a thought.

He is 12. His grandfather died almost three years ago. When they(my parents) used to stay over they would sleep in my son's room and he would stay with me. He was very close to my father. IT was hard for him but he seemed to do well then all of a sudden stopped talking about it until recently. During the day he is confident and happy. Recently he seems more anxious about school,life probably having hormonal changes. I feel mean for wanting him out during this vulnerable stage but i Feel we are encouraging this behavior by not setting limits. He is my youngest and most sensitive child. That's why I was worried if this behavior is uncommon. Thanks for your advice It is greatly appreciated.

do you have any animal's that stay with hin?

Change it up when he wants to sleep in your room try lying in his bed with him for awhile.

we have a really sweet dog but the dog won't stay with him in his room. We will try it again because he takes the dog everywhere with him.

If you don't already, I think it would be good to have talks about this during good, daylight hours, and ask him to help work out a plan to sleep in his room. He may need to talk to someone else---?school counselor?other---clearly is anxiety, so the question is:
What activities/rituals can help him master this anxiety. He is old enough to really be "in" on the resolution.

Oh, I thought he was much younger. I can understand why you want your bed back. I agree with winter, he's old enough to talk and work out the solution with you. I was wondering whether decorating his room, or changing it a bit (to his liking) might help. I wrote a post on not wanting to go to bed and someone mentioned making it a nicer place, more cosy... just an idea. Sounds as though something has triggered his anxieties, maybe find out what's going on at school - has one of his friend's relatives died recently, has he seen a movie or read a book that could have triggered?

I think talking is the key. Hope it passes. x

My daughter just turned 13 and still sleeps with me She was so excited about being a teenager that I was sure she would get out. Glad to know I'm not alone. I'm planning a room makeover as my next strategy.

Good advice, I just ordered some things for my daughter's room as I also suffer from this.

Thank you. We have had a rough couple of years with loss and illness of family members. We have talked to him and his guidance counselors since I first posted this. He is opening up now (lots of anxiety). We will also be rearranging his room per his request. LOL. I foresee more room in my bed in the very near future!

Does she ever say why she doesn't want to sleep alone? He says if we could move his bed against the wall it might work better so he is not open on all sides!! He was sleeping in there all summer but when school started up he kept coming into our room, I feel selfish but I get so little time with my husband because of our schedules. Good luck with your daughter!

Be patient… Make sure that after putting him to bed, you leave only after he has fallen asleep. Be in his room before he wakes up in the morning. Follow this pattern for a few days. Once he is used to sleeping in his room, you can slowly stop with the morning routine .

She comes up with various reasons. I think it's her not wanting to be alone. The weirdest part is that she used to take me by the hand to her room as a toddler, pick out a book for me to read and when I was done she was out! @ age 7 she started coming in my room more and more frequently.

I don't want to be left alone with existential anxiety either and I'm an adult. I had it since I was a child and I never even dared speaking to my parents about it because I knew they would just tell me to go back to my room and stop the "behavior". So I curled up alone in the dark panicking on the inside but not daring to even move so I wouldn't upset my parents.

Days are easy, you are distracted. Maybe too distracted? Like above, maybe deal with the thoughts in a safe environment when the sun is up? When it's dark and you're alone with yourself it's hard. I still have times I totally dread going to bed.

I don't think when it is deep rooted like this, you can't just train him to behave.

I found comfort in some books about other people's thoughts in the same matters. It felt like company because they had thought the same thoughts I did. Maybe you guys can find some books like that.

We are going to a child psychologist tomorrow. I feel his anxiety about sleeping and eating are quite high. Haven't been sure what to do. It's worth a shot to have him talk it out!!!
Your being alone and scared makes me sad for you! That is also why I haven't forced him out and am careful about shaming him> Thanks for your input! take care