Should I punish if she will not clean her room?

She will not clean up her room. Whenever I tell her to she gets mad and throws things at me. Do I need to punish her because she isn't listening?

If she starts throwing a tantrum about it should I punish like I do during every other tantrum?

No. Start doing it with her. Try to make a game of it. I think she's showing hoarding tendencies due to all the trauma she's been through.

Cleaning up as a game can be fun. Once it gets a good haul then help her learn to keep it clean by cleaning up a set of toys immediately after she's done playing with them. Help her all the time, she's young and probably isn't used to having many toys or clothes, and she certainly isn't used to having any responsibilities. Try to have a reward-incentive instead of a punishment-incentive.

You can so do it!

If she has a tantrum while cleaning the room, just walk on out of the room and leave here there throwing a tantrum. Without an audience she'll calm down eventually, even though she might trash the room even more.

Tantrums = not able to regulate emotions. Please do not punish her for it. Tantrums are normal.

Agree with above, do it with her, make a game of it. It takes ages to get kids to learn to tidy. at the moment I get my 3 year old to do stuff by making it a race, i.e. who can get dressed the fastest, who can tidy up lego bricks the fastest... it doesn't always work. What I've found though, is that when I get mad, I get more resistance and defiance. The calmer I stay, the more he cooperates.

This is a great website for parenting/kid issues. Here's a bit about chores:

Children, Chores, and Drudgery - Hand in Hand Parenting

I tried to turn it into a game and she said "if it's so fun then why don't you do it by yourself" and went to watch tv.

She's going to keep testing you. And you know she's going to keep pushing at you because she doesn't think you mean business as she already knows that she's been able to get you to spank her. So whatever you do, don't spank her.

What is all in her room that is making it a mess? Is it toys, clothes, both? You could always let her know that if things aren't picked up and put away, that she'll lose the ability to use them. Then, when you have to clean her room... take away some of the clothes and toys that were on the floor, and put them somewhere that she can't access. Eventually she'll end up wondering where things are because there will be less and less in her room. If she wants them back, tell her she'll have to earn them back by helping clean extra things since you had to do her share of cleaning her room already. (My mom once "threw out" a bunch of our toys... it was horrendous seeing her throw them out. It was the first and last time that we ever didn't clean our toys as she made us take them back out. Don't do THAT, but you can let her know that she no longer has access to them until she starts doing her share.)

Also, she likes to watch tv quite a bit right? Is there any chance that you'd be willing to cancel your cable/satellite if she consistently goes to the TV instead of engaging in anything else? (Just a thought.)

My fiancé has two sons and we are moving into my house. It wouldn't be fair to them to cancel the satellite.

Sometimes these things take time, especially if you are changing what you are doing.

What is the issue with her room being untidy? Is it a big problem for you? I was wondering whether leaving it might be a good idea? I bet, as soon as she's having problems finding a favourite toy, or has no space to play, she might be more inclined to listen - then you can say 'well, perhaps we can tidy it together?'. What do you think? I know it's annoying when she's being disrespectful but a lot of her pain is coming out. Punishment is only going to make it worse and her harder to reach.

Try to give her some time and explain things patiently. Do not punish her.