[burningup]

I went home this past weekend for my mom's birthday and I brought my boyfriend of 6 months (who i just recently moved in with) with me to meet my mom and brother. He was incredibly polite and social towards them both when we arrived, but within an hour of our arrival my mom was making rude comments towards him. Later that night, we went a large dinner with my brother, his girlfriend, my boyfriend, my best friend, and my brother's best friend. My boyfriend chose a seat next to my mother in order to get to know her better, but she ignored him the whole meal.

The next day, when my boyfriend and I arrived back at my mom's house (we were staying with my dad an hour away) she wouldn't look at him or talk to him at all. The four of us went for a long walk in a local nature park and my mother wouldn't speak unless spoken to and walked about 10 feet ahead of everyone else the entire time. Later, I made sure to have some time where it was just me and my mom (we left and went to run some errands for an hour or so) so if she was upset about something, she could express it, but she acted like nothing was wrong.

On sunday, I left my boyfriend at my dad's house and went to spend time with my mom alone. We had decided to leave Sunday night instead of Monday morning, which my mom expressed upset over, so I made sure it would be just the two of us on Sunday. She acted normal and didn't mention being upset but made a point of not bringing my boyfriend up, either.

On Monday, once I had returned home, she started sending me text messages that were very combative. She said "if she had pulled any of that crap while visiting me i would have been very upset" i apologized and asked what i did and she said "you're so oblivious and in your own world you didn't even know i was upset. even your brother knew." and then i said "i knew you were upset, but i want to know what i did so i can fix it and not repeat it" and she said "it just wasn't you. you catered to his whims, and sublimated your personality. i read people really well and so it's hard to watch someone you love do something that's ultimately not good for them. when you have kids (hopefully not with your boyfriend) you'll finally get it." i apologized for upsetting her again and then she said "there are just so many parallels with your father. and i don't want that for you."

note that all of my friends and my dad LOVE my current boyfriend, i am the happiest i've ever been in a relationship, and my mom is negative about everyone i date and compares them to my dad.

What do I do?

[Rhapsody]

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burningup said:
she said "it just wasn't you. you catered to his whims, and sublimated your personality.

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Sound like you mother was being resonated by the presence how you and your boyfriend interacted with each other...... probably bringing back bad feelings for her from her own pass and how she wished she had not given up so much of her self for a man (your father included).

Hang in There..... and try to talk to your mother about she was feeling during his stay, then see if the two of you can get past this unfortunate mistake that would not have happened if your mother had worked thru her own issues / wounds from the past.

[Doh2007]

Maybe she's jealous and envious. If your relationship with your boyfriend is to last, at some point you're going to have to tell your mom that you respect her, but you won't tolerate her treating him badly.

[marriedwithacause]

Wow burn, it's almost like your mother resents the fact that you are happy...i have a mom that puts me down in my marriage because she was always unhappy in her relationships...and now she is just bitter of mine and my sisters. I say let her cool off, you are an adult, and her opinions are welcome, but she needs to be an adult about this, and kuddos to you for you trying to take the time to ensure your mother feelings. She needs to just step back and look at it like if she is happy, I'm happy for her!

[used-up579]

Don't worry about it. Be yourself and if your mom doesn't like him, oh well. Parents raise their children to grow up and move out....create their own life, mistakes and all.

[AAAAA]

This is a difficult situation. Your mother did not deal with this situation very well. If she had fears for you and your relationship she should have done the adult thing and discuss it with you rather than playing the immature game of "guess why I'm upset."

You really do have to live you own life and make your own mistakes. As parents we'd really like you to be able to have the ability to learn from our experiences, but that just isn't going to happen in most situations.

For the sake of peace, I would give mom a call and tell her that you're sorry that she's unhappy about your choice of a mate (the issue is hers not yours!) but you are sure that once she gets to know him better you're sure that she'll grow to love him as well. Let her know that she raised you well and that while you respect her opinion, you think she's mistaken this time.