[yagalada]

I hope I can post here.

So I do love my spouse but I am overwhelmed. I love who my spouse is. What I am overwhelmed by is what I feel is a blatant disregard for my feelings and my life.

I try to communicate as much as possible using "I statements" and non judemental language and being all "therapy" about it (i am in intensive therapy for ptsd and so my relationship comes up).

The point is this: I feel my spouse is really self abosrbed, we are on a limited budget and they are buying gold adidas sneakers, all sorts of new clothes and the cost of treatments and stuff is overwhelming, 1800 for beard removal while i fret over my med copays for epilpesy meds and sunglasses i need for migraines. if i try to talk about it, i get totally railroaded, accusations fly that i don't care and its a total nightmare.

I am on social security, i feel if my spouse wants gold adidas and electrolysis then they can get a higher paying job to afford it. am I out of line? I am getting yelled at by suggesting that. Spouse also makes comments about "going stealth" ie erasing past (me and the kids we have) and being new gendered life

im really at a loss.

[kraken1851]

Hello,

I am sorry that you're going through this, yagalady. The needs we have as trans* folks and the pressure we feel because we bottled everything up for so long can be immense -- but that doesn't give us the right to disregard the needs of spouses and children. I don't have any sound advice to offer except trying to talk calmly with your spouse, but that seems difficult from what you write.

Do you have access to some kind of counseling -- either couples' counseling or for yourself to help you deal with this situation?

Hello yagalada: What you wrote here sounds familiar. There are a number of memoir-type books that have been written either by trans persons themselves or by spouses. In all of them I have read, what you're going through is something that frequently, if not always, seems to occur to one degree or another. It might be instructive for you to read a couple of these. You might check out: Wrapped in Blue by Donna Rose, She's Not There- A Life in Two Genders by Jennifer Finney Boylan, or My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd. They would at least give you the sense that you are not alone in what you are experiencing.

Unfortunately, I don't know that there is much advice I can offer. From my perspective, this is something that tends to come with the territory. I, of course, don't know how old the two of you are, how long you've been married, or how long this "trans" thing has been going on. And others may dispute this... but in my experience, many couples simply do not manage to stay together when one of them is trans & begins the transition process. Ultimately, this is the reality the two of you may have to face. Some couples counseling around these issues might be helpful if your spouse would be willing to participate in something of this sort... and if you can find affordable services. Sometimes there are free or income-based services available from not-for-profit organizations.

From my perspective, what you wrote about feeling as though your spouse should get a higher paying job to help pay for such things as gold adidas, etc. sounds perfectly rational to me. However, at the same time, I also know that the "transsexual imperative" (the overwhelming drive to live as the person one knows oneself to be on the inside) is so strong it can swamp everything else once it is released. Again, from my perspective, I would have to say that ultimately you are going to have to do whatever it is you must do to protect yourself & your kids in this situation.

Once the transsexual genie has escaped from the bottle, so to speak, there's no putting it back inside... at least not for very long. There is a saying I sometimes quote, here on PC. It is: if you want to know which way the bullet is going... look down the barrel of the gun. Re-read what you have written here & you can see where things are headed. That is, I fear, the stark reality of the situation.

My best wishes to you...

[TheSeamster]

As a trans person on a limited budget, I feel your pain. Paying for meds is rough and expensive. I agree your spouse is being a bit unreasonable buying so many new clothes and gold adidas.

The electrolysis I understand, as I assume your spouse is amab, and hair removal like that is often necessary to be comfortable.

The best thing I think you can do right now is sit down and talk about finances. Tell them to slow down. Understand they've probably struggled with their gender affirmation for awhile, and it can be a bit of a high to get what you've been wanting for so long. (I know, I've done the exact same thing). But that it needs to be brought under control.

I often get my clothes from thrift stores, or on massive clearance. My hormones are from a discount pharmacy that helps low-income trans people.

Let your partner know that you worry about the finances. Let them know you support their transition, but that things are tight and you may need to find ways to save money.

See if there are any clinics in your area that help low income trans folk. There are a lot of resources out there. I'm sure your spouse would be find with looking into them!

If not, if your spouse refuses to look at things from your perspective, or does not see your needs as important, remember that sometimes a relationship could require professional intervention. A counselor is an excellent third party who could look at both sides of the story objectively and unbiased.

Seeing as I don't really know your spouse or how they feel, everything I've said here is just some general advice. Hopefully it was some help though