Roll Call

Hey guys so I was thinking this might be a good idea to have a roll call thread so we can talk about just the little every day things we deal with that might not make up a whole new post. Or just talk about whatever. What do you all think?

Yes! Good idea!

I'm in, although I just got up and don't have anything to say yet. My brain is still in shock from being woken up.

Indeed. Good word for it. I've been awake for a few hours now and I'm still in shock. Time to break open the energy drink methinks.

Meeting up with a bunch of trans people tonight. I have no idea what to expect.

Yay for going out! I hope it goes well.

I had a bit of a crappy day. I just wish I wasn't so hypersensitive to things. I don't want to blame everything on my gender and dysphoria, but I'm so easily hurt by thoughtless things others do - because to me they just scream "you're worthless". Why can't people be a bit more considerate? An ex-colleague nearly made me cry today, because he's such a thoughtless, inconsiderate <insert swear word here> and has no communication skills whatsoever. I wish I didn't care so much about what other people think and do. *sigh*

Oh and re energy drink: had way too much coffee today (I blame the cricket that was wreaking havoc here last night)

I think this is a really nice idea, Adespota!

I have to say, personally, I don't know how much I would participate. I've become a bit reluctant to post here recently. I seem to say the wrong things almost as often as not. My experience has been so much different than anyone else's here, & my age is so different, I sort-of feel like the proverbial bull in the china shop.

However, having said that, I still think a roll call thread here is a great idea. And I may even stop by occasionally!

Skeezyks I've found you to be really helpful and I always appreciate what you have to say. Feel free to post here I don't want you to feel like you have to feel excluded.

I finally got a haircut I like and my friends are using my pronouns properly, so in the land of my messy little gender-less-ness, things seem to be going pretty okay.

I received my first binder yesterday - let's say there's room for improvement . I ordered from a European company. The first one was too big, so I returned it. The new one is now size XS/S (it's a strapless one with a bra clasp) but it still doesn't do the job properly.
Anyway, it's probably good enough to get used to the thing and creating a bit more ambiguity. I'll probably try to find another solution though...

I gained an unbelievable amount of weight on Seroquel, like 85lbs, and had started gaining a little weight before that (which I got off of about a month and a half ago, and I've lost like 15 lbs since by doing nothing) - so I'm in a position where I really want to lose weight - and I don't know how much I'll ever "pass", but at least somewhat is important to me, and my weight distribution is (obviously) off, considering I'm not on HRT and therefore my body distributes fat differently.

So it's another thing to add on. And it makes me feel hopeless, and it's this downward spiral. When I weigh a lot less I can be somewhat passable on a reeealy lucky day.

I dunno. Being overweight is just another thing, and I hate myself for it. And it's just another source of feeling like crap about myself and who I am physically.

Grey Matter! That's so awesome. Finding a haircut you really like and then people respecting your pronouns. So validating for you I bet! Really happy for ya!

Kraken, I'm wondering if you can modify this binder? I've had to do that to mine before I found one that fits. I have a REALLY small rib cage so that even XS wouldn't do any proper binding. But I was able to sew it up in a way that made it fit better. Just make sure it isn't TOO tight of course. I found an Asian made binder that goes very small which ended up being almost perfect and lucky it was very cheap.

AllonsY Seroquel is such a pain in that way If only it didn't have that nasty side effect. Don't take it out on yourself, it really isn't your fault, it's just what happens on some meds. I've definitely heard of bigger people passing in the gender they desire, or at least becoming more ambiguous. I'm sorry you feel so hopeless. Can you talk to your Dr. or pdoc about this? Having gained so much weight should definitely be looked into as it can lead to health problems as well. But it's definitely not helping your mental health it seems which is just as important.

Thanks for the suggestion - it may be an option! I suck at sewing and other crafty stuff tho. I can't even sew buttons on properly

Maybe layering will help too.

I also still haven't told my husband I want to start binding. I'm too scared

Hey...

I'm just playing videogames... It's the only thing I can do for now.

Ah well it doesn't have to be amazing, just as long as it does the trick. And hmmm yeah telling people these things can be scary. Do you have to though? I mean, I didn't tell anyone when I started binding, but then, I don't have a SO

Currently I'm reading. I'm finding it hard to focus on video games right now...

Yes. Weight can be a real issue for us MtF trans individiuals in particular I think. It seems as though FtM trans individuals typically want to add weight (in the form of muscle, of course.) But those of us who are MtF want to keep our weight down. I know this is a real issue for me, even at my age. My pdoc had given me a script for a med to help reduce my emotionally-charged dreams. I took it for about a week & gained 5 pounds... I stopped taking it immediately! My weight's still not down where I'd like to have it. But in order to get there, I'd have to starve myself. So, as long as I don't gain weight, I accept where I'm at now. But even so, I weigh myself every day to make sure I'm not gaining. And there's always that little twinge of hope that just maybe I've lost a pound or two!

Thank you, Adespota. I am, perhaps, over-sensitive to this. When I first went onto YouTube, there was quite a "trans" community there... allot of interaction between trans YouTubers (much more than there seems to be now.) I dove right in, as I think I've mentioned in some of my previous posts here in the Transgender Forum.

At the time, there was quite a bit of talk, within the community, about what they referred to a: "tranny chasers"... in other words, men who wanted to have sexual experiences with MtF transsexual individuals. And because I was not transitioning & said so, I became concerned that others would begin to perceive me as being a tranny chaser.

I remember thinking, at the time: after all of the heartbreak & misery I have endured myself (& inflicted upon others) as a result of my own trans-ness, wouldn't it be ironic if I came to be viewed as a tranny chaser by other transsexual individuals. I still tend to feel like I don't really fit in with the trans community.

I'll be around...

Yeah, I suppose it doesn't

Well... I'm thinking he's bound to (pardon the pun) notice/find out sooner or later...and I don't really want to have to hide more secrets than I do already.

I had a small but personally interesting experience this past weekend. As a sort-of quasi-Buddhist (I guess), I've begun collecting some pendants & things I can wear as jewelry. There is a very nice little Tibetan store, where I like to shop, in Saint Paul. Much of what they carry bears some relationship to Buddhism in some way or another. Recently I had bought a string of wood prayer beads. I can either loop them around my neck or make additional loops so I can wear them around my wrist.

So, this past weekend, while I was getting dressed (casually) to go out to do some shopping with my wife, I decided I'd loop the prayer beads around my wrist, which I did. (The beads make a total of about 6 loops on my wrist.) However, at the last minute (& before my wife had seen them on my wrist) I experienced this "flush" of self-consciousness & decided not to wear them. So I took them off. All of the rest of the time my wife & I were out that day, I berated myself silently for not wearing them. Hm-m-m-m-m... not much compassion, lovingkindness, or self-acceptance to be found there!

I am just incredibly self-conscious. Of course it would make sense I am. I was brought up to be. And as I have aged, although it has gotten better, when it comes right down to it, I'm still a slave to what other people think.

Hey Skeezyks. It's tricky when we think others are going to think badly of us for expressing ourselves. And it's hard when we've been brought up to be so self-conscious as we are in this world today. Is it possible that you're just so used to not being able to be yourself that when you were about to you got scared? Doing things we're not used to can be a scary experience because we don't know what to expect. I wonder if things might have been ok if you wore the beads. But don't beat yourself up over it, think about it and learn from it, find out what makes you feel most comfortable and maybe try something out next time or not - whatever works best for you.

Thanks for your comment, Adespota: Yes, I haven't exactly had allot of experience at really being myself... in fact, as I think about it, I haven't had any I can recall... just a bit of nibbling around the edges. I would imagine I'll get around to wearing the beads. I just have to sneak up on the idea a little bit at a time!

Hi The Skeezyks, I'm similar I think - so scared to change even the tiniest thing because I don't want others to notice or because I'm worried what they'll think.

I hate it when people comment on my appearance, even if it's a positive remark.

I hope you'll work your courage up to wear the beads

Why must people think that me being trans is so dirty and horrible and that they just want to wash their hands of anything to do with it. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. It doesn't help that I'm hyper-sensitive to every little thing right now.

I'm so sorry you are struggling, Adespota. I send you warm thoughts of healing, strength & happiness. Yes, it seems like society always needs a list of groups to hate. The good news is the list is getting shorter. The bad news is, unfortunately, trans people are still on it. Hopefully the day will soon arrive when society's hate list can be shredded for good. Until then, please be hold on...

Thanks Skeezyks