[Ember_42]

I'm so tired of pretending to be what other people expect and ignoring so much about the real me. I'm tired of hearing things like 'you're just confused', 'it's just a phase', 'you just have have negative self-esteem', 'gender-fluid isn't a real thing'. And yet I feel guilty even complaining about it because I'm not getting hormones or surgery (I need to be a shape-shifter) so maybe it isn't a 'real' problem after all and I am just being whiny.

I can't afford multiple wardrobes (and omg the drama I get already with how I dress) and I can't find a haircut that really fits me in all modes. I can't even wear a binder because I have severe lung issues and compressing my ribs, even that much, makes it hard to breathe. It's frustrating that the perception is that the only way to be androgynous is to dress masculine if you were born in a female body, or feminine if you were born in a male body. Or with male/female genetics or... I don't even know how to say what I mean.

My body offends me every time I look in a mirror or any reflective surface. It's not masculine, it's not neutral, it's not even feminine enough. It's just this thing that I hate having to wear and I hate even worse that it defines me whether I want it to or not. Some days I think that hormones and top surgery would fix so much, but then a few days (or weeks) later I don't know how I could ever have thought that. Deep down I know that I would still hate my body no matter what I did with it.

It's hurts a little every time I have to choose which box to check, male or female, and I feel like I'm lying whichever one I pick. And that I'm denying my identity by not making a fuss about not having more boxes to choose from but being pretty sure that wouldn't do any good even if I did. I'm starting to feel that it's not really ok to just keep accepting the default pronouns like I always have but I can't ask people who don't think I have a 'real' (not made up for attention or maybe delusional) reason for wanting a different pronoun.

Alright, done venting now. It felt good to say all that and tomorrow morning I can go back to being whatever everyone else sees when they look at me.

[PumpkinPieHead]

Be gender-fluid. Heck, be an alien.

I respect you for being brave enough to do this.

[Skeezyks]

Well said, Ember_42...

Dress neutral....screw what everyone else thinks if you can.

[Apokolips]

Be you, whoever you want to be. You spend 24/7 365 days a year with yourself so why settle being what other people want you to be?

Originally Posted by Apokolips

Be you, whoever you want to be. You spend 24/7 365 days a year with yourself so why settle being what other people want you to be?

Survival is why...I know.

[Apokolips]

I'm in the same boat. I'd rather die for who I am instead of living a lie and hating myself.

[waggiedog]

Dear Ember. You know, it made my heart ache when I read your message AND, I for one (and I know others in this thread) DON'T consider your message as a ''rant''. No, more of a silent wish for all these people in your life who simply refuse to ''get it''. Either they can't, or more to the point WON'T, even consider your feelings and what this is doing to you. I know it's very easy for us to say like ''stuff the doubters'', but its extremely difficult IRL to actually truly feel that.

I DO know the grief and heartache gender issues bring because my husband (partner as we couldn't marry) went to hell and back in the 1960's when it was a TOTALLY TABOO subject, I think illegal also in some aspects. The unwanted ''coming out'' of April Ashley in a hugely popular national gossip newspaper insured the ''shock tactic'' which stuffy English public reacted to with contempt. I must say here that April herself was mortified as it was NOT her choice to ''come out''.

Everyone here is of course correct, you have to please yourself, at the end of the day it will be you who lives with you. I hate my imperfections/mental health issues/body dysmorphia etc etc etc and now ''old age'' LOL and I put my ''happy'' (??) acceptable self out there because I've found to my cost and sadness that that ''them'' do NOT wanna know when your down!!!!! By my ''happy'' self I mean I slap on more makeup than I like, stick on the hairpieces, and SMILE SMILE no matter what.

LOVE and HUGS, as ever. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Apokolips]

I had a little thought this morning. Hiding who you are can aid survival but do you just want to survive or do you want to live?

[PixMx]

Hi! Thank you for your post and for reflecting some of the feelings that some of us feel every day. I been fighting an my U for they add a [other] check box at gender. I have received every kind of hate mail, even some friends telling me is just a gender box at a form, no biggie. Problem is that check boxes are part of a bigger conscience problem. Every one has to choose their battle, i choose this one.

I understand you doubting about surgery and hormones, that doesn't make your feeling less valid or real that someones that do. I tell my friends I don't want hormones as I really don't want to live a second teenage stage at my 30s :P. Surgery I really just consider for my breasts as I really really hate them. Dunno if that will make me less discontent with my body, but at least a bit more confortable.

Hope at least knowing you are not alone on this helps you a bit.

Hugs

Pix

[samj40]

I'm non-binary/androgyne, so I feel you entirely. I've been sent to see a gender therapist next year and honestly, I'm worried about the prospect of surgery or hormones even though I hate the body I was born into.

It's super frustrating to say the least! I'm not sure if it's of any help to you at all, but I recently had a long-ish buzz cut and I find it still works when I want to present more feminine since I can pretty myself up with dangle or cuff earrings. I've found it to be a really neutral haircut, for me at least. (Although I appreciate that not everyone wants to rock a fully shaved head!)

But you do you, there's no 'right' or 'wrong' way to be gender-fluid. Hopefully you find something that works for you soon.

I'm really glad you posted this thread, Ember. I can relate. Apparently, a lot of people here can.

Originally Posted by samj40

But you do you, there's no 'right' or 'wrong' way to be gender-fluid. Hopefully you find something that works for you soon.

I'm just glad someone feels like this...I've felt like a fraud for a while. Even if I wear more masculine clothes, my body shape and face are very effeminate. And I like having long hair. Since I feel more male now, I'm going to have to dye it a more neutral color (it's pink right now ).

I've never been sure what to do to make me feel more comfortable with my gender. I'm probably not going to doing any sort of surgery or go on hormones, but I did go off of female hormones (hormonal birth control that is) and that helped me feel more right...although with more dysphoria at the same time if that makes sense.

I also wish I could go by a more gender neutral nickname...like not get rid of my effeminate first name but have a gender neutral option as well I guess? I might just wait until I move to another city and am starting over. But there's still discussing this with my boyfriend...