[MotownJohnny]

Because I wanna be. Not literally, because I'm a little too old for that. But, if real life were like some Hollywood movie, and I woke up tomorrow at 17, I think I would do everything VERY differently. The opposite, in fact, like on that one episode of Seinfeld where George starts doing everything "the opposite" of his normal way, and his life suddenly turns around and all good things happen.

When I was a kid, I was weak, meek, nervous, and frightened out of my mind all of the time. Because of my dad, because of the way he abused me, kept me down, and made me feel like I was pathetic. And, of course, that translated into me acting that way with everyone. I never stood up to bullies or peers, was deathly afraid of authority figures, and I came to literally denounce and denigrate anything having to do with sports/athletics (because I wasn't allowed to participate, so it was my psychological way of coping). I spent most of my time reading books, and later working on early personal computers (late 1970s onward, they were really primitive by today's standards).

And, the thought of being in the military or doing something "brave" like being a cop or a firefighter or paramedic - no way, I was the timid little pup cowering in the corner, tail between legs, who would piddle when he got scared (not literally!). In fact, I used to have anxiety about being drafted, because I knew I wouldn't cut it if I were.

So, now I have this dream of being a "Warrior". Not literally, I'm kind of old for that. But, my personal vision of it. Not the macho jerk that is getting into bar fights and treating women badly. My personal vision of it involves sports - I'm getting into triathlons and also may try competitive cycling. I'm also taking boxing lessons, which is another way of connecting with that side of my self - and I'm at the point I'm developing some real force to my punches and some decent moves and reactions. And I do the outdoors thing when I can, hiking, mountain biking, skiing and snowshoeing, fishing.

I like how I look now - I have biceps and triceps and nice pecs and a decent start to six-pack abs. My waist is slim, my chest and shoulders are broad, I look pretty good dressed up or casual, better than I used to at least. Women never noticed me, women notice me now - I would by lying if I said I didn't like that, even if it does make me a little embarrassed.

Is it weird? Am I overcompensating for my past? Is this like some dumb "mid-life crisis" thing?

Hi Johnny: No, I don't think you're weird. I don't know how old you are. I'm halfway through my 6th decade. So I'm REALLY old!

I think, as we age, we all tend to look back & see ways in which we could have made our lives better. I certainly do. (Actually as I read your post, I thought..."did I write this?" I could have... except for the part about getting into computers.) The great thing is that you're DOING something to change your life for the better NOW! If you disliked what you're doing & were just forcing yourself to do it because you thought you should, that wouldn't be good. But my sense is that you really like what you're doing. So... bravo! Keep up the good work!

[MotownJohnny]

Yes, I do like it. In fact, it's really the most "important" thing I've ever done in my life. It saved me, from myself, from being "crazy", from feeling hopeless. I would have shot myself if I hadn't been brave enough to join the gym. It gave me a place to go with people who share a common purpose and goal in a supportive atmosphere.

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

Because I wanna be. Not literally, because I'm a little too old for that. But, if real life were like some Hollywood movie, and I woke up tomorrow at 17, I think I would do everything VERY differently. The opposite, in fact, like on that one episode of Seinfeld where George starts doing everything "the opposite" of his normal way, and his life suddenly turns around and all good things happen.

When I was a kid, I was weak, meek, nervous, and frightened out of my mind all of the time. Because of my dad, because of the way he abused me, kept me down, and made me feel like I was pathetic. And, of course, that translated into me acting that way with everyone. I never stood up to bullies or peers, was deathly afraid of authority figures, and I came to literally denounce and denigrate anything having to do with sports/athletics (because I wasn't allowed to participate, so it was my psychological way of coping). I spent most of my time reading books, and later working on early personal computers (late 1970s onward, they were really primitive by today's standards).

And, the thought of being in the military or doing something "brave" like being a cop or a firefighter or paramedic - no way, I was the timid little pup cowering in the corner, tail between legs, who would piddle when he got scared (not literally!). In fact, I used to have anxiety about being drafted, because I knew I wouldn't cut it if I were.

So, now I have this dream of being a "Warrior". Not literally, I'm kind of old for that. But, my personal vision of it. Not the macho jerk that is getting into bar fights and treating women badly. My personal vision of it involves sports - I'm getting into triathlons and also may try competitive cycling. I'm also taking boxing lessons, which is another way of connecting with that side of my self - and I'm at the point I'm developing some real force to my punches and some decent moves and reactions. And I do the outdoors thing when I can, hiking, mountain biking, skiing and snowshoeing, fishing.

I like how I look now - I have biceps and triceps and nice pecs and a decent start to six-pack abs. My waist is slim, my chest and shoulders are broad, I look pretty good dressed up or casual, better than I used to at least. Women never noticed me, women notice me now - I would by lying if I said I didn't like that, even if it does make me a little embarrassed.

Is it weird? Am I overcompensating for my past? Is this like some dumb "mid-life crisis" thing?

No, I would not say it is a mid-life crisis. As a matter of fact, I wish I had your courage to have done what you did. I struggle because I just can't get myself to do stuff.

[Onward2wards]

MotownJohnny - I think this is a brilliant idea! I've been told (in therapy) I need a "warrior mentality" and this is exactly what my T was talking about.

[Mike_J]

You are doing healthy things, don't worry about the why just keep it up.

Hey guys, I know many people aren't necessarily religious, but for me Christ Jesus would be a warrior definitely. But, I began to feel like this when I read the Bible properly for the first time a few years ago. When you look past all the miracles, the water into wine and all that and you look at the man he was, he was definitely someone who received so much resistance for what he believed in. He also helped those which nobody else cared about, and was attacked by those "higher up" for associating with what society would call "scum" nowadays. And, all he endured just before his death, without wavering once, giving in and attacking those that were attacking him. He to me is what a real hero is, unwavering in principle, not too high up to help anybody, not afraid to open his mouth to someone and providing an anti-establishment viewpoint that just astonished so many. When you think about it, it's actually very hard to think of a man today who does this. I think it's true when people say the world needs a hero again. I'm sorry, but these cocky, arrogant, womanizing men that you see on TV just don't do it for me.

[MotownJohnny]

Yes, I think that is very true - Jesus was a revolutionary in the true sense of the word, but he chose to forego violence for another path.

[shakespeare47]

I can relate to the OP. I was also really shy when I graduated from high school. I worked out quite a bit, but then got teased for my large pecs.
Years later, I decided to join the navy reserves.... I hated it. it was 8 years of almost constant misery.
I wish now I could have just been myself, instead of trying to be the "tough guy" I thought I had to be.

I love to read, I love to research topics I think are interesting. I'd love to be able to write articles and books and papers. I love to do tedious technical jobs that everyone else probably thinks is boring. I love the fact that I have arcane knowledge about subjects I enjoy.

I'd love to start working out again, though. I'm getting a little pudgy... It would be fun to get some exercise and get this body back in shape.

Originally Posted by Mike_J

You are doing healthy things, don't worry about the why just keep it up.

Exactly. You're doing fine it appears. And if it helps... the other extreme reaction to an upbringing like your father gave you is emulation. Imagine how much worse that would have been. BTW you picked a great discipline for confidence/self defence. Boxing and BJJ are far and above the best self defence techniques.
I kind of get what you mean by the warrior mentality. Keep an eye on that and don't allow it to get out of hand.
Basically.... yeah you're doing great... keep at it!

[Ryan.l.s]

i really do envy you in some sense. you're already - for the most part - able to look passed the problem (your father) and focus more on improving your life both mentally and physically.

for others it's really difficult though, especially those who are still with that abusive person.

I've been getting numerous responses to this "take yourself out of the situation" etc. and so on, but it's more difficult than that.

I'm not an adult, I can't just so easily choose to leave and ignore that person or even talk to someone offline about him.

I'm rambling lol... my point is, I'm envious of you, warrior!