Am I being unreasonable

I posted this in the relationship forum but would like some male responses if possible.

Hi,

I know this scenario has been covered plenty of times. My scenario is a little different.

I was a virgin when I met my wife and she had been with 6 guys. We met at the age of 18.

As much as I wish she had waited to have sex I am not really concerned with this although it bothered me quite a bit in our early years.

We have now been married for 16 years.

The last person that she had sex with before me was a "cousin". He is not of blood relation but her uncle married his mom. This incident happened before she knew me. There were drugs and stupid teenagers involved. It was a one night incident however she brought him to completion 3 times in that night so it wasn't like a "we got carried away" thing. While I am a little uncomfortable about this I have still reached a point where I do not have a problem with the fact that she had sex before me. Shortly after we were married her uncle and this woman had divorced and her uncle moved on to marry another woman.

I had met this guy a couple of times and always got a strange look/vibe from him. I didn't like the way he looked at me when he interacted with my wife. It bothered me how eager my wife was to see and socialize with him and act like they were family but I realized that there were going to be times when this would happen.

In 2008 her uncle passed away. Her first reaction was to call this cousin and his brothers and offer them our house to stay in before she consulted me. When she told me I tried to be reasonable and say it was not a problem. The closer it got to him coming to my house the more uncomfortable I became. I asked my wife if he could not come to our house. I realized that he was going to and should be able to be at the funeral but I didn't feel it was appropriate to bring him into our house. We got in a lot of arguments over this. She started justifying them having sex. "We didn't do anything wrong", "we were young and dumb", "we were so high", "it was just sex, it didn't mean anything", " there was no intimacy", "it was before I even knew who you were", "he was younger than me and on worse drugs", "we both had rough childhoods". She constantly told me she was fighting for his justice. While all of these things are true I still did not believe he should be allowed in our home. Is this wrong?

When the time came he had other relatives to stay with but he was still going to come by for a visit. I then asked my wife if I could take our son and go somewhere else while this was happening. She told me know. I shouldn't have a problem with this. So I stayed. When he got there I watched him and my wife exchange a hug. While they were hugging he was looking at me and smiling. He did have his wife and kid with him. While my wife was playing with his daughter on the floor I saw him repeatedly leaning over to get a good look down my wife's shirt. When they hugged good bye same look and same smile. I stayed quite because of the delicacy of the death of my wife's uncle who was a great man.

This all happened in CA. We relocated to GA a few years later. I hit a rough patch with depression and thoughts of her letting this cousin into our house started coming up and bothering me. I started therapy and told my wife about the way this guy looked at me and looked down her shirt and that if the scenario came up again he would not be allowed in my house. She got upset. "It is not fair to treat him poorly", "I would hurt my other family members feelings by excluding and alienating him". Then she reminded me again of all of the reasons it was OK that they had sex and it was no big deal. I then reminded her that he is not a good person as he still does drugs and he also tried to have sex with her sister and another cousin. To me this was unacceptable. She explained how she was guilty for that because she said it was OK for them to have sex. Is this correct thinking? It does not seem right to me.

Here we are 2015 and we just relocated to PA. I am hitting a depression again and these feelings are coming back AGAIN. We are going to couples therapy but I don't know what to expect. Our first session is in a few days. This has all been very rough and different for me as sex is a big deal to me and an important part of our relationship. Am I being unreasonable? I really think that he is not a good person. I have told her that she can have a relationship with him but I can not be involved or know about it. It bothers me that she wants to give him attention and let him know he is part of her family. I don't want him to be part of mine. Please help me understand.

Welcome to Psych Central (PC). Sorry to hear you are feeling hurt from your wife's intention to have relations outisde the marriage. Why not talk about this development of a sexual affair with the counselor. Affairs can destroy the basic trust in a relationship and can be a sign that one of the partners is either feeling a lack in the relationship or could be suffering from addictive behavior in regard to sex.

This sounds serious because of how destructive this type of behavior can be to a relationship.

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In my opinion, this is a multifaceted problem.

1st - It sounds to me like you've got a rat in the woodwork. The more you guys are around this cousin-type guy, the more of an issue it sounds like he'll become. Social media is another place his kind likes to troll.

2nd - It sounds like your wife has no leftover feelings for him so that's not an issue. However, it does sound like she's not understanding how guys think so she's being naive about his intentions.

3rd - The difference between what you are perceiving and what she is perceiving is causing friction in your relationship. Grandma, aunts, 4th nieces twice removed can be da$#ed because you guys need to nurture and protect your relationship first and foremost. I would suggest couples' counseling to help you both get on the same page with this cousin before the situation becomes unmanageable. Again, an uncle can go jump off a bridge if it's causing you guys problems in your marriage, so you guys should take a break from cousin until you can work out things between you.

I don't think anyone could give a better answer than Webgoji did. It is time to put this in the past somehow. Sixteen years is a long time to carry this on. I do agree with you in theory. I wouldn't want this guy around. But what happened is history. You can't change history. The two of you seem to be very far apart on this but there has to be some compromise somewhere if this is going to be resolved.

Added this to relationship forum as well.

Update:

We have been to counseling a few times now. One of the major issues that has come up was the fact that I really have a hard time dealing with the physical touching (hugging) and the "I love you" that she tells this guy which in turn he tells her. She has stated in the counseling that the only reason she did this was because she was dealing with the trauma of her uncle passing away. She also stated that she did not realize that I was asking for him not to be in our house because of this same trauma. She also blames her self for the sex with him because she was 1 year older than him.

I am having a hard time believing this. She had enough presence of mind that she had no problem telling me that my feelings on this subject are "wrong". We just had sex and that was nothing wrong (which I kind of agree with but the cousin thing is a little difficult for me). We were young and high and I didn't know you existed (I agree with this as well but hard to leave the past in the past if he is in your house hugging your wife). I even had to go as far to buy the book "The Love Dare" and read and complete the tasks because she was so disappointed in me and my reaction.

I am starting to feel some resentment.

She has also stopped having sex with me because of my depression. First she said that it was because I was shutting down emotionally after sex and that was hurting her feelings and now it is because she doesn't feel emotionally safe due to my emotional state reminding her of her bipolar mom and sister. It has been close to 3 months.

We have discussed this in therapy as well. She says she is doing everything else and if all I want is a sex doll I can get that from anyone. Yet she says the sex that we have is so much different than the sex she had with her cousin (feelings, openness and the love we have for each other). This is the connection that I want. Not just a sex doll.

If I don't close of my feelings from her she says she can't handle the emotional rollercoaster. I am at a loss. I open up she is scared, I close off her feelings are hurt. I am not physically are mentally abusing her but my emotions and irritability are heightened. I am depressed and will get over this and my feelings will eventually even out, I know this for certain.

How do I stop these feelings of resentment?

Why is she not emotionally safe? (We have been married 16 years and I hope I have shown her that she is safe with me).

Why does she not see that I don't want a sex doll but a loving, intimate relationship with my wife?

Is asking for her patience and support through this depression unfair because of her childhood?

Don't' know what to do. Any help/advice is appreciated. Sorry for the long post.

I don't know how often you're going to couples therapy, but it sounds like it's often, which in my opinion here is necessary.

There's a lot of things happening in this relationship that need to be communicated, and a therapist needs to be there to make sure everyone is on the same page.

First off, it sounds like sex is becoming a power play. This is common in relationships. She's told you that you can just get anyone to be your sex doll. That's hurtful on many levels. If she's encouraging you to be with someone else, that's an entirely different issue to deal with... but right now it seems like she is trying to tell you that she doesn't feel any of the intimacy you described either. It sounds like to her, it's as though she's being treated like a sex doll. It's bad communication, but at the same time, she's letting you know that she wants far more than sex. You need to find out what she needs from you.

At the same time, you said that you don't want a sex doll. You're lacking in all the emotional intimacy you once had. That's exactly what she needs to hear from you. You can't expect her to have sex with you and fill it with all the intimacy you had in the past. The intimacy needs to be there first. Let her know that's what you want, and try to find ways with her to show mutual emotional intimacy.

There's much more as well, but I'll leave it at this for now. Let me know if this was helpful.

MattPerry35, if I could ask ... are you currently on medication for your depression? I ask because you described a pattern in your depressive states. If you're fighting depression, you'll be withdrawn emotionally. Ergo, you reach out, but since you don't have the emotional strength, there's an intimacy gap that your wife is sensing. It's a self-defeating circle.

So back to the pattern. Most people are familiar with Major Depression. Many people will have a Major Depressive Episode and then recover and not have to deal with it again. However, Major Depressive Disorder (which I have) is cyclical. There is a pattern of depressive episodes with increasingly shorter latency periods between them. Personally I wonder if you aren't fighting that battle and your doctors haven't quite connected the dots yet.

Getting the depressive episodes under control should help you deal with feelings of resentment and will also give you the strength to regain your emotional closeness. This in turn might help your wife open up so you can make positive strides in your relationship and maybe resolve this issue with the cousin.

Just a thought.

I had gone to the doctor and they started me on Zoloft which made me worse. We then tried Wellbutrin which and it is making my emotions like a roller coaster. I am currently weaning off of that and am hoping I can just beat this current cycle. Not sure if that is the best idea or not.

As far as the issue with the cousin goes I don't know that we will ever see eye to eye on that one. I think that since they grew up together from a very young age she will always have a loyalty to him and that is going to be difficult for me to deal with. She says she feels like she has to wear a scarlet letter for the rest of her life. I personally think we could let that whole portion of the family go and it would be for the better. I don't think it is right for me to ask that of her or to even tell her that is the way I feel. I know I don't want to be the reason that she feels like she is wearing the scarlet letter.

I just hope she can respect the fact that I do not want to be involved with that part of the family. Wish we could just leave the past where it belongs. Sweeping it under the rug is not healthy in my opinion.

For what it's worth, Zoloft was awful for me and Wellbutrin might as well have been children's aspirin. I bounced through a lot of them; Celexa, Effexor and I've finally landed on Viibryd which works great for me. So it may be a matter of finding the right med.

And no, she doesn't have to wear a scarlet letter. But it seems like you guys have gotten into an "all or nothing" type of standoff. Until you can compromise on things I'm sure you'll continue to have friction. For example, you guys could let said cousin visit, but have specific boundaries or maybe she could let you not be involved with that part of the family. There are ways to address this situation that don't have to be "all-in", but I think the first step is getting your depression under control and then getting both on the same page again. It's not going to be easy (believe me, I went through a similar situation with my wife), but if you both pledge to put in the hard work you guys can get there.

I have told her on multiple occasions that I do not care if she wants a relationship with this guy. She can call him, write him, see him and comfort him the only boundary I have is that I do not want to know about it. I did understand that there were going to be times when we would see him but he ruined that for me when he was disrespectful with his eyes and actions in my house. Now I have a boundary that if there is going to be a time when we will be hanging out with him I will not be there. He is also no longer aloud in our house.

The reason I do not want to know about the contact is for my own mental and emotional well being. I know most people will consider this irrational, immature or ridiculous but for me in this moment of my life it is the fact. I also do not think he is a good person and/or good influence or healthy relationship for my wife but that is her decision to make.

Update:

Still no sex........ In counseling this week and now the reason is because I am speaking to here rudely/like I don't like her.

This is the third reason. 1st was that I was shutting off emotionally after sex. 2nd was that I was attacking her emotionally because I was turning everything into an argument. I am curious what the 4th will be.

This is getting out of control.

Please tell/advise me what you think about my following rant:

This relationship is starting to feel very one sided. I think it may have always been that way. I can remember a time when she found some letters from a girl that I used to have a crush on (we kissed one time I think). She was furious. She made me throw them out and wanted to know why I wanted to keep them. I didn't want to keep them, in fact I had forgotten I had them. So we threw them out and I don't care. Fast forward to Christmas 2014 I was looking for Christmas ornaments and opened a plastic bin. There were some folders and papers in it. One page was sticking out so I started to read it. It was a page from her journal from when she was younger talking about how she couldn't stop thinking about this guy she had sex with. I went through a few more pages and found a lot of references to another guy she had sex with and thought she was in love with. I stopped after about 5 pages because I didn't want to find any more and it is her business. I am confused as to why she wants to hold on to these memories though. She has always stated that she hates her past and actually told me she went through her journal and got rid of all of the past thing involving this subject and burned them to help her process the past. But she can't handle me having letters from a girl I had a crush on? Seems a bit hypocritical.

So here I am going through a depression and she has turned it into me being the enemy. I suppose I should have known this would be this way. The last time I went through a depression she had the same reaction. She has always been the type of person that gets mad at me for being upset with her. Then I always feel like I need to make her feel better, so I end up apologizing to her and everything gets better.

Last night I called her to tell her I was on my way home. She said that I sounded better. I told her that I had actually had a really hard day. She said that I was at least handling it better and that was what she cared about. I got home after having to go to the grocery store and having a real frustrating time and I am not in the best mood. I was not being mean I was just not being talkative. She then proceeded to tell me that if I didn't like her right now I should just leave until I like her again. I am tired of being the enemy. How about a hug and telling me I'm sorry you had a rough day. I am frustrated.

We are going to this counseling and it seems that the sex subject comes up a lot. She continues to get angry about this and repeatedly say that all I want is the physical act of sex. She is just a sex doll. Yet she continues to say (as well as all women I assume) that the sex between us is so different and special compared to any sex she has had before. Is this only when it convenient for her or when she wants it? If I was the one withholding she would be livid. I know because I tried that once. It did not turn out well. We are supposed to be taking steps to restore our intimate relationship but it seems that I am the only one putting in effort while she continues to say things like " if I can go a whole week without crying then maybe we can be intimate". Once again, everything on her terms.

Wow, sorry for the long post.

Should I write the relationship off as over?

I don't know if I will even be comfortable with having sex with her once she is ready, although I really want to. At this point is it even emotional for me?

We have more counseling this Sunday. I think if our intimate relationship isn't restored I may ask for a separation. Is this too extreme?

I'm tired of just being co-parents as opposed to husband and wife. I can't have any emotions other than happy and willing to do whatever it takes to please her. Or so it seems to me.

Thanks.

Matt, sorry to hear about your struggles, but I'm pretty sure we've all been there, man. You now get to decide how to view this experience. Choice 1: an opportunity to learn about yourself and grow as a man. Choice 2: Just a miserable f***ing time. In my life, the painful situations were when I grew the most---not that it was any fun at the time. Good luck to you.

Update:

Things were going well. We have begun resuming our physically intimate relationship. I was beginning to let go of my feelings of resentment and beginning to enjoy our relationship..........until last night.

I had deleted my Facebook because I got tired of seeing references of this "cousin" and pictures of him as well. My wife knows this. Last night my son was on his Facebook showing me some things and I saw a picture of this "cousin" with his mom and his brother. To top it all off the reason it was on my son's page was because it was "liked" by my wife.

Not sure why this is bothering me so much. I am almost positive she would not have liked this photo if I was still on Facebook. Why can't she just let that part of her so called family go? Instead of telling me "He is part of my family dynamic and you have to deal with it", I want her to say "My husband is really hurting and I want to make him my priority". Why does this guy matter. She once told me that "she grew up with him", does that mean he deserves her in his life forever? She was so angry with me for having a problem with this. She yells "I gave you 16 years of my life and you can't let go of my past!" at me. The way I see it she has given this POS cousin 30 years and continues to put his feelings and the "families" above me. I guess I am just immature. Maybe I am not the right man for her.

These people are not even blood related. What is she holding on to? Her whole family has done nothing but take advantage of her and abuse her but she will always have a loyalty for them above her loyalty for me. Or so it seems that this is the way I see it.

Am I being ridiculous?

Thanks.

Facebook is a problem. A big problem.

Facebook now crops up in a third of divorce cases over cheating and old flames - Mirror Online

The Real Reason Facebook Causes One-Third Of Divorces | YourTango

It sounds like you guys have reached an impasse. And it sounds like she isn't willing to work through it. It's not a "you" issue, your marriage is an "us" issue.

So, in my opinion, it's time to wish her the best and you guys part ways.

I really don't want that..................I feel you may be correct. I feel horrible.

Update:

Webgoji I am sorry but I am afraid I will have disappointed you.

I have not ended the relationship. I love my kids. I know that is not a good reason to keep the relationship going but I do still love her. I think I can get over this......I hope.

Here is where I am struggling and need help coping.

1. She keeps comparing one of my friends that has said some dumb things to her step cousin. I tell her the difference is that when I needed my friends the most they had my back and stopped me from doing something stupid while her step cousin used her for his pleasure and was not there to protect her. She counters this with she still has fond memories of him.

2. I am really struggling with the photo albums where the two of us (me and the step cousin) are in them. These pictures are of them growing up together. I know this may be a little crazy for me to get bothered by but it seems to me that she is still holding on to the "cousin" aspect of this guy.

3. She has now told me that in order for her to forgive herself I have to be ok with seeing him and her talking to him (this will only happen on infrequent family functions) and not be "afraid" to be on facebook. She has told me that she does not feel he needs to be condemned for a decision that she made when she was young and high. Once again all blame is on her and treats him as a victim. I don't want to forgive him. I don't have a problem with her, or maybe I have a problem that she views it as a "decision" instead of sex.

Should I just tell her to "friend" him on face book and store his number in her phone under "cousin". This definitely feels like how she wishes it could be. I don't know why it bothers me. Would anyone else in the forum be cool with this? Am I immature?

Sorry I sound like a broken record. I know most of you are probably getting annoyed with this by now. I know I am tired.

If some one could give me some ways to cope with these three points and/or a response that might help me explain my feelings a little better.

Maybe I just need some support?

Thanks.