Please can I have your help?

As most of you know my partner is NPD - I would really like to know that despite his raging and abuse - do any of you Lie or Cheat? Be assured I am not judging anyone I am just trying to find out if there is anything I can do to support and help my partner and myself and would be so grateful for some of your knowledge and advice - thank you so much.

Dear Thornbird,
Know that you are constantly with my prayers and meditations.
This saddens me, " is anything I can do to support and help my partner and myself and would be so grateful."

First you have to help/heal yourself. Rebuild your self esteem
From what you have posted imo, You are suffering complex ptsd, imo.
degradation, anxiety, depression.

You don't have to stop loving this person.
But no to cohabitation.
If you can't leave because of resources, tell us in group by yes or no.
I have been there. and I am here for you.
Allow those who want to help you in, you don't have to share everything.
Privacy concerns are real but there are ways of communicating without disclosure.
Warm/Peaceful energy coming your way.
Sincerely,
Happiedasiy

In short... Yes & yes. Glad to help!

And sounds like you are proud of it to - I wonder how you would feel if it were the other way around - or do you not love anyone enough to care - I would so like to know what goes on in your minds but alas I just have to cope with the behaviour which hurts so so much!

What indicates I'm proud? That's an unfair assumption. The "winking face" wasn't a gesture of smugness -- just being playful in lieu of being more helpful! Perhaps you're so upset you've decided to place the blame somewhere other than the source of your pain. Understandable... But still doesn't fix anything.

I am upset but I asked you a question which you seem unable to reply to. You answered yes and yes to lying and cheating and it just felt you were quite comfortable and proud with that. I am not blaming you for my pain - I am just trying to understand the disorder so that I can understand my partner more that is all - I thank you for your honesty in answering my initial question

its all about personal gain usually

Thorn:

I can't give any response at all towards cheating as I'm responding with my mom and brother's reactions to things.

They get PISSED OFF immensely if someone dares to "lie" to them. Even if it's not a lie - they have their own interpretations of their own behaviour, and if someone calls them on it they flip their S*** and rant and rage about how someone could DARE lie about what they did or didn't do... because they won't admit that they did whatever it was and will basically try to pull it off as someone is trying to slander them.

And a lot of people lie and cheat... with or without disorders. I think it's always done for the same reason - because someone wants to do X and knows that they shouldn't, but thinks that they're smart enough to not get caught or think the person they're going to hurt will forgive them and that they'll get away with it.

Thank you for your reply - although I would really love to know more about what drives the behaviour?

What do you mean what drives the behavior?

I'm comfortable with it because I'm not delusional... I can either deny my behaviour or I can be all bothered by it. The middle ground is a much more comfortable place for me.

Also, if it were the other way around? It wouldn't happen to me. Because he's different.

Firstly if you deny your behaviour - you are to a point delusional you are not recognising that your behaviour is wrong or bad or hurtful! And also you say it wouldn't happen to you even non's cheat and lie - if you push him too far you may be shocked and surprised! So just think I wouldn't want you to get hurt

Do they for instance rage, cheat and lie etc just to get 'N' supply what makes them behave this way?

I think that is unique for each individual and situation.

You answer questions the same way as politicians do! I realize not everyone is the same but there must be some common traits and there must be a reason for them. I understand it stems from childhood problems or abuse or in some cases being spoilt and the disorder is born from there taking on a new often fake personality to protect themselves from the shame, pain and inferiority they felt as a child? So, would it be possible for you to explain the common traits and why? Thank you

Thorn -- I distinctly said I wasn't in denial. And sure, they cheat & lie just as much... Which begs the question. If all people have the capacity to be assholes, why is it that narcs or psychopaths are scapegoated to taking on the burden of evil for everyone else? It must be convenient to hide behind someone else's disorder.

Additionally... I lie/cheat when it provides a convenience over being honest or loyal. I'm an opportunist. And I prefer it when things go my way. Those are merely tools to make my life run easier! Anyone who says they want to hear the truth 100% of the time is a liar.

It's unknown what causes NPD and ASPD. I really don't understand what you're asking about, or why you're over generalizing everything because it really is unique to each person. We can't say why that specific person gets mad when you catch him cheating. Don't you think that's part of just the fight or flight nature??

I think you've summed it up yourself: It's a defense mechanism. Also, why do they lie or cheat? A narcissist will because he wants something, a sociopath will because he can or to see if he can.

Because they want to have sex with whoever they cheated with seems logical to me.

I for one do not think of Narcs as bad or evil - I love my partner very much despite of his disorder and all I am doing is to try and find out more about it. I wouldn't be with him if I thought of him like that. Yes some non's will cheat and lie and our prisons are full of non's. However my interest is why the need to cheat if you have someone you love and respect and I would ask this question to non's and narcs alike? My understanding of being in a relationship is honesty and that applies to everyone I am not attacking you because you have a disorder - I am merely trying to find out as much as possible for both myself and my partner

Your logic is flawed, it isn't a need it's just a simple want, that's acted on impulsively usually. I keep trying to tell you that it isn't some heavy craving like a pill addiction where they "need" to cheat. They choose to.

Thanks ok so they choose to but do they not think of the pain and hurt they cause by doing so? And why do they feel the need to choose to do so if they are in a stable relationship - and how would they feel if someone did it to them?

Honestly it sounds like you need to do some research on a narcissist. They don't feel remorse, or empathy usually and justify themselves in their own mind as what they did wasn't wrong.

Thorn... the questions you're asking can really only be answered by individuals. And they aren't exclusively NPD behaviours.

When someone chooses to do something that will clearly hurt someone else... it means that they don't care and/or haven't thought about the other person at all. It's a lack of empathy. Or they've chosen to hurt that person intentionally for whatever reason.

Agreed...that's what I tried stating before that everyone has their own individual reasons for their actions.

I appreciate that everyone is an individual -but the way narcissism is diagnosed is by traits and behaviour. I am not trying to generalise but there is if you like a common denominator that links people with personalty disorders together like NPD Obviously not everyone is the same but to return to my original question do most of you lie and cheat and how is it that you manage to convince yourselves what you do is right - Do you really have a false-self with the need for constant validation and 'N' supply?

I'm not a narcissist but they don't always cheat, usually lie but they don't have a sense of remorse or empathy. That's why it can seem right to them. Constant validation sounds like a borderline trait, a narcissist lies and cheats to achieve something he wants. I have no idea what you're talking about with N supply...that's like saying that a sociopath has to hurt people for his "S supply"