Apparently it's not worth it to try and be better.

Due to recent events it is clear to me that it doesn't matter how hard I try to do the "right" things. People just end up thinking I'm lying or whatever.

I am done right now. If people are just going to think I'm evil no matter what I do then **** it. I can stop bothering and I think I will.

"Healing" is a total ****ing farce.

Sent from my SM-G360V using Tapatalk

I enjoy your posts and your wit. Just wanted to say...

Well, I'm evil, too. Doesn't mean I act evil all the time. And I can dissociate from it and then I'm self-righteous and uptight. That doesn't make for a lot of friendships either.

Sounds like you're feeling rejected? Sorry about that, it sucks, I know. But that's about them, not you.

I am intrigued to know what you mean about people thinking you're evil. I don't think that anyone is evil, with maybe the exception of a few rather nasty individuals throughout history. Why would you think that people think you are evil?

Really at this point I have no idea but I've been called evil to my face more than once. Sighing.

Sent from my SM-G360V using Tapatalk

I was more likely to be upset by other people's "evil" when I deny or repress it in myself. They probably have "evil" aspects, too, whether they know it or not. So sorry their inability to deal with their stuff makes the relationship with you difficult or painful. You can only do the best you can do. Maybe part of "healing" is accepting that but mostly I think "healing" is a psychobabble word.

I really am intrigued because I've been accused of being a certain way repeatedly by people who are the opposite of what I am accused of being... Personally I think labels are all about perceptions and the inadequacies of other

Sometimes, trying to be a "better person" is a challenge because some people have no intention of being a better person themselves. For example, trying to be more ambitious, or more prosocial, or more empathetic, more rational or more openminded is grinding when one encounters a lot of people who have little motivation to be that way themselves. Making the changes we want and encountering constant negative feedback will eventually drag anyone down. I would love to know how to shut that out and shake it off myself.

Thanks for the responses, everyone. Apparently my short-livded jaded pity party helped, lol.

I don't like being called evil, and I don't like calling other people evil just on principle. Why? Because I see it as a way to basically write someone off as this "other", when in reality they're just human beings like anyone else... All they're doing is expressing the darker shades of human nature in an unhealthy way.

Not rejected so much as isolated.

Hm, how interesting. If you ever come back around here I'd be happy to chat with you about it. I've been accused of many things, some are completely true, but so much of the time the accusations are totally false. If I'm going to be called evil, I'd like the use of the word to apply to something I've actually done.

Good post. What I've noticed over and over when I'm falsely accused of something is that the people accusing me of whatever are actually saying a hell of a lot more about their behavior than mine.

"Healing" is yet another word that's been so overused that it doesn't really have much meaning anymore outside of psychobabble BS.

That's really the whole reason I was jaded enough to post this in the first place. It's that I've really put quite a lot of effort into being a "better person" lately, and to get slapped in the face when I really didn't deserve it totally pissed me off.

Good! I think my T would call it "feeling hurt and grieving the loss".

HAHA, yeah probably.

Well, if you're trying to be a better person in order to please others then I can understand your decision to give up. But, if you're doing it because you sincerely believe it to be the right thing to do... then no, it doesn't make any sense. We do the right thing because it's the right thing to do, not because of any external factor.

Also, it's unlikely you'll convince anyone who you've previously mistreated that you're trying to change/have changed. I'm not saying it can't happen over a long period of time, but its not going to come easy.

I hope you'll reconsider.

For me I have never wanted to change because of some external trigger. It is because I genuinely want to be a better person. The life I was living was utterly empty, devoid of everything that makes me human and I wound up really hating that after awhile. The way I wound up existing due to my choices was something I wound up being unable to tolerate, hence my change in attitude.

I don't have any delusions that the people I've harmed will ever think I've changed, I don't expect that out of them and never will.

I posted this mostly because I just needed to rant about how it seems like because I've openly acknowledged my past behavior, that I seem to be held up to a way higher standard than anyone else. That can really infuriate me at times, but I also know that it's a natural consequence of my choices.

I'm over it now, I just have to keep moving forward. Thank you for replying.

It makes me happy to hear that, because it gives me hope that perhaps people can change for the better, regardless of their circumstances. And that's a comforting thought. I think you being able to arrive at that conclusion alone is huge; I imagine many don't.

At the same time I know that change for anyone - even those who aren't diagnosed with a disorder - is an extremely difficult and sometimes painful process. So I sympathize with your struggle. But I hope you will indeed keep moving forward, because the end result is most certainly worth it.

Wow, thank you so much! I highly appreciate the kindness that has been shown to me around here.

People always have the potential to change, they just have to want to. Everyone has choices, and for me personally learning that I truly do always have choices has been immensely valuable for my personal growth.

You're right, change isn't easy for anyone regardless of what disorder they have or don't have. It's a painful process to really look at yourself in the mirror in an honest way.

I appreciate your sympathy, that is a kindness I am not often granted.

I want to keep moving forward, it's hard and painful work but I don't ever want to end up back where I was. It was a truly miserable existence.