[Disturbance22]

BY ACCIDENT POSTED IN THE WRONG SECTION BEFORE...

helo everyone i am new here. i am a 22 yr old female. after hours of researching i think i finally found out what my issues are. Ive never went to a therapist or phyc. but i know i have disassociation or maladaptive daydreaming. (you guys have probraly heard this before but) my bigger problem is now i am about 90% sure i have OCD not of rituals but of bad and disturbing thoughts related to this disassociation.

i am very embarrassed to tell ANYONE these thoughts (even a therapist) but i can tell you they are horrendous thoughts of bad bad things... sexual things (nothing normal) but not many images but more of repeating the words in my head.....also violence and thoughts about death of loved ones in a bad way....it started with words now i have new thoughts and each one is worse than the last one. this started about january of this year.

it is hard to concentrate and i have another fear that i say these bad thoughts out loud (even though i know i dont) or that someone can hear my thoughts.

if you knew me you would know that these thoughts do NOT define me, i am one of the most non-violent, nicest, silliest people. matter of fact, these thoughts are everything i hate about the world we live in. i love my family and friends these thoughts are not how i feel about them. and i know thoughts create reality and have tried replacing them with good things but they do not work. i find when i am depressed is when i think the the most.

i have thought maybe i am evil or a really bad person but i know deep down im not. i just want them to go away for good. i cry all the time about it, i have such inner turmoil i dont know where to begin. i think im crazy. but not in the mental disorder way, in the i think it would be better for me to die before it gets worse or i act upon them way even though i know i WILL NEVER do that. i find these thoughts to be repulsively disgusting. i feel demented.

please someone help, i'm scared & i seriously contemplate suicide daily i feel like i hate myself but i know i just need help. i just want it to go away so bad and i want to normal what is happening to me.

[Aunt Donna]

It sounds like OCD and I understand about the disturbing thoughts and disassociation. You might want to look at adult ADD, also. I was diagnosed with panic disorder, depression, and ocd. After looking at things more closely, I was diagnosed with ADD. It makes a difference to be diagnosed correctly. I see a doctor on a regular basis for my condition and my medical conditions.

[Anna H]

Wow, when I read this, I just wanted to give you a big hug! I experienced something similiar myself when I was 17. I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 17. For months, I had obsessive images in my head of getting possessed and of killing my sister. I love my sister, I would never, ever do something like that to her. I didn't really tell anyone, was constantly terrified because of the images in my head, was convinced I was a psychopath, lost all interest in school, developed insomnia, was constantly on the verge of tears, constantly terrified, and was like a zombie because of lack of sleep. Ultimately I tried to kill myself because of it all.

I'm telling you this because I want you to know that things WILL get better. Those thoughts do NOT define you. They're horrible, scary wretched things, but they can go away, they will go away, you just have to get the help you need. Talk to a doctor, a psychologist, a psychiatrist. They can help you. Talk to other people as well, don't isolate yourself with all of this. Those thoughts are no reflection of you whatsoever. Please, please don't kill yourself. Believe me, things can and will get better. Take care, I really really hope things get better for you.

[nightdreamer7982]

((((disturbance)))) I am just like you are? I'm totally obsessive compulsive over a man who. I thought who he told me his name was but just a couple weeks ago. I actually found out he'd lie to me?!? I was a fuming and fiery furnace with and at him that he was making me stunned as well with him???

[ani86]

oh wow. i get how ur feeling.
i used to have CONSTANT disgusting/sexual/innappropriate thoughts as well - as if it was my condition punishing me, making me feel pathetic and weird.
i used to have them all the time but now i only have 1 or so innapropriate thoughts a day as i quickly dismiss them as silly and not me talking.
i did tell my psychiatrist about this as hard as that was. i felt disturbed and weird but he didn't seem to be phased by it - he must hear it all.
he said it was a form of OCD.
i have since been diagnoed with soft bipolar and major depressive disorder.
these thoughts are only such a minor part of what i go through, hence why i don't think anything of them anymore.
they're not relevant. i think me thinking this has made me have these thoughts less frequently.
i urge u to tell a psychologist about this. i promise you it will help.
they have heard it all before.
mental health is a complex thing. trust me, u need to tell someone about these thoughts so they don't happen so much
hope i helped
x

[nightdreamer7982]

Hi Ani,
I'm really anxiously having disturbed and unpleasant thoughts? It's more worse than ever and. I have never been so obsessed in all my life until the start of 2010 and even though. I tend to allow myself to have these visions of destruction and mean pictures of him in my mind. I just can't rest peaceful anymore. I find myself caught in a terrible place and. I'm screaming,crying,ranting,raving and *****ing really loud at the top of my lungs. It's like people are watching me but. I can't see them anywhere?!