[bengquan]

My wife has OCD. We have been married for 6 years and over this time period she has had many issues with this and dealing with it is so extremely difficult for me as she is so irrational about things, accusatory, self-absorbed, and is never wrong about anything in her own mind . She now sees a therapist and is on Xanax because she had a delusion about something that could most likely never occur in some distant future as if it were happening right now, and she stopped eating and couldn't sleep from these thoughts

The problems that I am having are dealing with a coping with this problem that she has. She creates things in her mind that are not so, and blows them up in to these terrible monsters that eat her up. She constantly accuses me of thinking or doing things that I don't think or do, she says she is afraid of me though I have never threatened her or harmed her in any way at all, nor anyone else. Sometimes I do say things that I wish I did not. They are not threatening towards her in anyway, it is just I get so frustrated dealing with this all the time that it builds up and I vent. She then claims that the "venting" is proof that I am a danger because she says I "posture and have bad facial expressions" and as a result it feeds into her disease. I should mentioned that I never call her names or yell at her or anything like that, it's more of a frustrated "why are you doing this? I can't handle this irrational behavior" kind of a thing, and then she attacks me with something and turns everything around on me which then makes me say something that is inappropriate out of sheer frustration which I immediately apologize for, but you know you can't take the words back..

She sit's by herself every night on her computer and if I talk to her she acts as though I am bothering her. She barely says a word to me anymore. If I say anything that she doesn't agree with on any topic she seriously berates me.

Now that she's on Xanax she walks around in a stupor a lot of the time. I put my arm around her or something and she accuses me of "holding her down". I try to hold her hand and she accuses me of trying to grab her.

She also accuses me of having severe mental problems and is always telling me how I need help, how I need to be a on medication and so forth. She claims that the things I do for enjoyment are harming my mentality and have made me sick, so I should stop them (martial arts - hence why she claims to be afraid of me, because she knows I have this skill, so she thinks I am going to use it on her, though of course I would NEVER do anything like that). I know this is partly because of the times that I do get so stressed out over this that I vent and say stupid things because I am just so frustrated I don't know what else to do, but again they are never threatening towards her in anyway. She is also now accusing me of being the cause of her anxiety, which she has had LONG before she ever met me.

I am so stressed out over this. I am in the process of contacting a local person that can help me find ways to deal with this, but right now it's literally ripping me apart. I love my wife dearly, but I feel I am getting to the end of my rope and my health is suffering from the stress.

If anyone at all has any ideas that might help me, please, please share them.

Thank you kindly.

[bengquan]

I spoke to him and he said he won't speak to me because it's a conflict of interest, but he said that if she wants to do a joint session he would be happy to. I was hoping I could talk to him for this reason, but from what my wife has said, he does seem to be aware of how she makes things out to be other then what they are.

Originally Posted by muncie

Have you considered going to her therapist with her, or even on your own. By talking to both of you, he/she will get a better picture of just what's going on. If this isn't an option, follow through on getting help for yourself. Your relationship obviously cannot continue along these lines without help.

[muncie]

At least she is willing to get help, some are not. I would work on having a joint session though. Try to be patient, emotional issues take hard work. They usually continue for some time before someone seeks help. I suffer from OCD as well and am sympathic to your situation.

[bengquan]

Thanks. I am planning on that when she is ready to, and I am trying to distance myself from the negative things that she does in a way that doesn't intensify the situation or make me get upset to the point in which I "vent". Like yesterday she said something that would normally upset me, but instead of getting upset I just ignored it in a way as if what was said had no meaning to it, because it is coming from her illness, not from her. Does that make sense?

Originally Posted by muncie

At least she is willing to get help, some are not. I would work on having a joint session though. Try to be patient, emotional issues take hard work. They usually continue for some time before someone seeks help. I suffer from OCD as well and am sympathic to your situation.

[muncie]

Yes, I think you have a good handle on the situation if you can continue to not react (with some certainty) when she supplies the stimulus. I have a similar situation in living with my elderly mother, some days are easier to cope than others. A lot depends on what I'm dealing with emotionally at the time. With both of you working hard to achieve harmony again, I feel sure you're going to make it. Good Luck to both of you. Love conquers all.

[bengquan]

Thank you so much for the inspiring words. Sometimes things just seem hopeless ya know.

Originally Posted by muncie

Yes, I think you have a good handle on the situation if you can continue to not react (with some certainty) when she supplies the stimulus. I have a similar situation in living with my elderly mother, some days are easier to cope than others. A lot depends on what I'm dealing with emotionally at the time. With both of you working hard to achieve harmony again, I feel sure you're going to make it. Good Luck to both of you. Love conquers all.

[muncie]

Yep, know what you mean. Sometimes we have to go on faith alone. I've lived a long time and one thing I've learned, nothing is more important or satisfying than having love in your life. I sometimes wonder if I would have made it without my husband. I could pretty much give up everything except him. A love worth having is one fighting for. I really hope her issues will begin to improve soon. Just concentrate on one day at a time for now. Do you think a little weekend trip away together would help, a change of scene might help her.

[bengquan]

I agree. I have found nothing in my life more meaningful then my wife and the love that I have for her.

We recently did. Right now it's really just trying to get a handle on things, cause no matter where you go they follow you, you know?

Originally Posted by muncie

Yep, know what you mean. Sometimes we have to go on faith alone. I've lived a long time and one thing I've learned, nothing is more important or satisfying than having love in your life. I sometimes wonder if I would have made it without my husband. I could pretty much give up everything except him. A love worth having is one fighting for. I really hope her issues will begin to improve soon. Just concentrate on one day at a time for now. Do you think a little weekend trip away together would help, a change of scene might help her.

[gayle28]

Hello, you sound like a very patient and loving husband Bengquan. Though I wish had an easy solution to offer you, from my personal experience I would say the two major things that will ease this tension will be time, and as suggested above, seeing a therapist together. My husband certainly had a difficult time adjusting to my obsessive compulsive mind-set after marriage (Before the wedding we used to live in seperate flats, which gave him just enough space to escape my neurosis)

Eventually after our arguments were getting out of hand, we booked in to see a different therapist from my regular (I didn't want my husband getting involved in that dynamic), and after maybe two months of fortnightly sessions, we did start making progress. And actually I am not sure anything major changed in terms of our attitudes, but over time we developed a mutual understanding, and it has since lead us to be able to live as a much happier couple.

I really think you will be able to reach a similar outcome over time and with patience.

[bengquan]

Well she left me for good. It's breaks my heart how this illness can destroy a person... a family. I love her with all my heart and I always will.

I pray that she finds the help she needs.

Thanks for everything, everyone.