[Lostthedream]

I've been a member on here for a while now without daring to post anything so here goes... I'm posting on here because I have obsessive tendencies although I don't think i have OCD as such. I've had depression for as long as I can remember although only went to the Docs about 3 years ago when I was completely losing it becoming quite manic. I've been on and off meds - citalopram since then and am currently not taking anything. With depression although I haven't beaten it at least I kind of understand it. In terms of neurochemical reasons anyway. But what I really struggle with is my list making. I want everything to fit perfectly into it's place either spatially ie I want things to be perfectly parallel in a drawer or in time for example I spend hours and hours a week making to do lists and plans and timetables, I have hundreds of apps for it I've joined lots of websites with calendars and to do lists I print off time management worksheets and fill them in, I have probably had 8 or ten diaries this year which I discard when I find a better one. I write things out like life plans and if I make a mistake I start the whole thing again. And every couple of weeks I buy a brand new book with nice clean blank pages then I start it all over again. With all this you'd think I was organised but I do nothing at all. I get up, go to work come home and then do either nothing or plan what I should be doing and never do it. My house is a state and yet I think it's more important to write a list starting with get up brush teeth have shower etc... It takes up so much of my time constantly writing lists but I can't stop it. I feel like once I've made the definitive list or plan or found the perfect software then I can start. I did an online test for OCD which said I wasn't but if I'm not OCD what am I? I'm not weird about germs or anything but I do a couple of weird things like I can only put my keys in my ignition a particular way or I think I'll have an accident and I do the skin picking thing. There's a part of my thumb and my lips that I can't leave alone. I can be awake for hours in bed picking my lip even though it's bleeding but I can't stop and sleep because I can feel the rough edge of the skin annoying me and I want it to be smooth. And back when I was at uni I spent the whole 50 minute lecture packing and unpacking my bag trying to put things in a perfect order so there was no gaps- a bit like those wooden puzzles you get- as my friends watched me in disbelief. I do write things out over and over again til it's perfect and I'm 27 and don't have a handwriting. Is that weird? I still change my handwriting and test different styles to find the perfect one. That scares me a bit. People say that they can judge a person by their handwriting. Well I don't have one. It changes. So what would they say about mine?
I think I've gone on a bit much here I do apologise I'd really appreciate any advise from anyone maybe any solutions? Or even just to know im not the only one. I'm absolutely exhausted and constantly disappointing myself. If I knew for sure that there was a such thing as reincarnation I would definitely end things so I could start afresh a brand new life and do everything properly. I've tried to not live obsessively and promised myself I'd never write a list again but then I start analysing the amount of obsessing I'm doing and trying to stay above the line of normality. I'm sure obsessing about not obsessing kind of defeats the object of it!

[mj778]

Hey Lost the dream,
I hope that not getting a response hasn't made you worry and not come back.

I can relate to some things. My house is always a mess in 3/4 of it, because it takes me so long to do one room (perfectly) that I can't find the time to do the rest. Or, when I'm really motivated and tearing through the house getting it clean, I swear my kids follow right behind messing it all up again.

I hope this helps,
mj

[gayle28]

Hello,

Thanks for sharing your experiences lostthedream, in my opinion, it may be worth organizing another assessment with a doctor. I am no expert, but as someone who suffers from OCD and has read quite a few books on the subject, some of those behaviours seem to fit the classification. I can also say, though my main set of symptoms are hygiene related, that I have a lot in common with what you wrote.. Particulary the tendency to constantly write out plans of action that never get followed through, and I also have cycled through a range of systems and software to do this.

I think just in the sense that these rituals are interfering with your ability to move forward in life, and take up so much time in the day, that it could be worth getting a second opinion. It sounds as though you really have the potential to achieve a lot, when you are able to move past this frenetic planning and start putting it all into action

[OrangeMoira]

Wow, I'm so with you on the list writing and re-writing, to the exclusion of doing anything on the list/plan/budget/schedule. And the starting new journals all the time. And the starting over if anything is wrong. I can laugh at myself, but it is a huge time suck.

I know I do it to control my big feeling of powerlessness. I have anxiety problems and my way of coping is to try to control every part of my life. When I can't, I make a plan to control it in the future (which is usually too huge to accomplish).

I have started using a stopwatch, and I give myself ten or 15 minutes at a time to make lists. I don't always stop, but I try to reset it at the end of the time so at least I have some idea of how long I've been going. It keeps me from getting lost for hours. Maybe that would help you, too? I could never give it up completely--good for you for trying!!

Can you see a doctor again about this? Maybe before when you saw someone they overlooked these behaviors because the depression was so bad. If you have that under better control, it might be a good time to work on some of this.

I hope you come back and let us know how you're doing. Take care!

[Gus1234U]

i had some good results with acupuncture on my OCD's. i went to stop smoking, and not only did that, but was relieved my many of my phobias and OCD's. that really made me see those behaviors in a new light, they are definately a brain chemistry disorder, and not anything "learned". hope you find some relief~ best wishes,,, Gus

[Paramore88]

One thing that someone told me to try and do with my Ritualistic Behaviours was trying to cut them down by one a day. So say with your lists, write it out, but miss One off, and carry on doing this until all of them are gone.

I hope this is useful to you.
Loz.
Xx.

[snapdragon928]

I make lists for important holiday type events. Holds me together. Then I lose them with my ADD. and have to rewrite them, then find them again. I check things off as I get them done. This may be a bad and wrong example, that has no part of your problem. My mom would compulsively make lists all the time.

[Lostthedream]

Hi guys!!

Oh my I wrote this post ages ago and checked it for over a week and nobody replied so I never bothered coming back!! Thank you guys for your responses I appreciate it. I thought because I'd written so much nobody would respond but I couldn't help myself!! Just to let you know that since I posted on here I have since gone back on antidepressants but a different kind and it has made the BIGGEST effect on my life. I spent four years on and off on citalopram which flattened my mood but did little else. I went to the doc to ask what she advised and mentioned my OCD habits and she didn't have a clue... she said 'I always prescribe citalopram - it has the best results generally' so i picked the nest one on her list randomly which was sertraline and when I read the packet it is supposed to be helpful in OCD. I have more energy than I have ever had, I'm losing my citalopram weight and I can almost say I'm happy! I've not felt like this since I was a child.

As for the OCD the only thing that has changed is my energy levels so I am now able to meet my high expectations. I have one to do application that I have programmed things into and I make sure I do them every day. What used to affect me was writing all these lists and not doing anything so I would write them out agin and agin thinking i've not planned properly - its not working! When the problem all along isnt the lists - it's me not having the energy to do my tasks. So for those of you above who have a similar problem with lists perhaps the same would apply/ theres nothing wrong with your list, there is something wrong with the fact that your not doing them? Perhaps anything that increases energy levels could help - If your not on any medication maybe try meditation or a healthy diet and exercise but I suppose its hard to start something when you're weary. If you are on medication maybe ask your doc about sertraline its really done wonders for me. Someone asked me the other day at work... 'god gemma who's set you on fire!' I was really proud I do like the stopwatch idea though whilst you still have the urges though... as you say you minimise the time wasted repeating the same patterns. But as soon as you start actually doing things the need to write them down wont be as strong.

I am still a weirdo. I cant go to bed til everything is perfect in my house. I got in bed the other night and there was a sock lying on the duvet that I had missed. I threw it towards the sock drawer and told myself sharply that that solitary sock did not matter and I was comfy and warm and would be an idiot to get up and move it. Twenty minutes later after imagining the sock wriggling and 'socking' its way across the floor I got up and put it away! But at the end of the day that is me and I'll hold my hands up I'm a freak

Anyway this post is probably just as long as the first one now and will deter people from reading it again!!

take care of yourselves xxxxx