[InvisibleAlbatross]

Some of this might be repeated from my other threads, but I hope I'll only repeat the relevant parts.

10 years ago I was diagnosed with OCD and received some CBT. My latest psychologist/psychiatrist team do not believe I have OCD, because I went to see them to deal with severe depression and did not express OCD symptoms. That makes me quite frustrated, because I am receiving no help now, except for antidepressants. When I was younger my symptoms were all about counting and checking. I still have those symptoms, but they truly do not bother me. Sure, I have to cycle through all related channels before I can land on the one I really want, and sure I have to check the locks 4 times, but I can live with this.

What I cannot live with are my intrusive, obsessive thoughts. I have been dealing with hypermorality/responsibility for so long that I cannot really remember life without these thoughts. I have feelings of guilt and self-loathing and they get worse every day. I am sure they will lead me to kill myself. Sometimes I hope they will.

I believe that if I do not do certain things, people will be harmed or die. Several years ago I was walking outside with my gf and I saw a used needle on the ground, right by the sidewalk. I picked it up and through it far away where nobody would find it. I "knew" that if I did not do that, someone would step on it or poke themselves when they attempted to pick it up. My gf and I had a big argument over this, as she was afraid of me or her getting some disease from it. I know she was right, that I could easily have pricked myself or her. But I just could not pass by and leave it there.

Similarly, if I see a banking statement or addressed envelope on the ground, I must throw it away or mail it. If not, I will have the fear that the person's info will be found by a criminal and he or she will be hurt

When I am away from home, I have to pray that all the people I see make it home safely. I sometimes (though this is diminishing) have to pray that an aircraft I hear or see will land safely. If I see a program about a natural disaster or building collapse, I have to pray it won't happen here. Then I feel guilty and pray it will never happen again anywhere (knowing this is absurd).

When I pass people on the street, I always have bad thoughts about them, about their skin color, weight, person they are with, etc. I do not want these thoughts, they just happen. And when I try to stop them or distract myself, they get worse. Along with these thoughts, I get intrusive blasphemous thoughts. I am not the most religious or devout person, but these thoughts really upset me.

My obsessive thoughts also affect my life when it comes to employment. I was laid off from my job in February. My stepdad went into the hospital in March and stayed there until his death 2 months ago. I chose to spend nearly every day with him rather than look for full-time work. Now, however, I cannot look for work. A former college instructor sent me 2 job ads recently; I did not apply for either of them. I occasionally look for jobs in my field, but as soon as I find something and read the qualifications and expectations, I close the window and do not apply.

[InvisibleAlbatross]

This is not because I am lazy and don't want to work. I really do. But whenever I read a job ad and I do not have the exact qualifications the employer is looking for, this voice in my head tells me I am a failure and will never get the job, so why bother. I let that voice control me, because it's easier than fighting it anymore.

My brother paid for a subscription to a website that teaches how to start your own business as a freelancer. I have followed the lessons and tried to put some of them into practice. But the same problem I have when looking for work pops up. I don't have the self-confidence to go for jobs or projects. I "know" I will fail and when that happens, I will be incredibly demoralized. My brother often asks how things are going and how many jobs I have gotten. How can I tell him none? One time he said something like "I want to see a return on my money!" (not his exact words) I appreciate his help and I am happy he thought of me, but the pressure is hard to take. In addition to the initial cost, there is a (nominal) monthly fee. He recently said that he thinks of it whenever he sees his credit card bill.


I don't know how much longer I can take this. His pressure on me sends my OCD into overdrive, but I cannot tell him. Another of my symptoms is super heavy guilt. I just cannot confront anyone.

I have major problems with guilt. I constantly think of things I have done wrong in my life and I am always trying to make them better. This generally leads to people becoming frustrated with my constant apologies or need to discuss things. I am trapped in my own head.

Why not continue to practice CBT on your own. I see a few things in your post that it would be helpful for.

Also regarding the needle and bills, you just sound like a good person, that is what nice people do. I doubt they are cause for concern. Praying for people to return safe is also pretty normal.

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

I do the same thing with the needle and bills. I have an extremely difficult time not stopping in high traffic to get an item of the road. I understand shutting down with the work thing too. I do it when I get overstressed or overwhelmed. My advice is to start assuming the antidepressants are helping and build off of that. Apply for jobs you think you can do before you start really thinking about what you can do. You can't say you're not qualified until they come back and tell you that. I think practicing the CBT on your own is really good too. Also taking time to distress when you can.

[InvisibleAlbatross]

Originally Posted by Supanova

Why not continue to practice CBT on your own. I see a few things in your post that it would be helpful for.

Also regarding the needle and bills, you just sound like a good person, that is what nice people do. I doubt they are cause for concern. Praying for people to return safe is also pretty normal.

I think I need to research CBT to learn how to do it on my own.

I know that those can be normal and nice things. They are stressing me out, because I MUST do them.

[InvisibleAlbatross]

Originally Posted by ocdwifeofsociopath

I do the same thing with the needle and bills. I have an extremely difficult time not stopping in high traffic to get an item of the road. I understand shutting down with the work thing too. I do it when I get overstressed or overwhelmed. My advice is to start assuming the antidepressants are helping and build off of that. Apply for jobs you think you can do before you start really thinking about what you can do. You can't say you're not qualified until they come back and tell you that. I think practicing the CBT on your own is really good too. Also taking time to distress when you can.

Applying before the OCD attacks is a really good idea

Take time to distress? Can you explain?

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

have me time. take a break from all responsibilities when you can and do something that just relaxes you. I didn't realize my typo. I meant de-stress.

[InvisibleAlbatross]

Originally Posted by ocdwifeofsociopath

have me time. take a break from all responsibilities when you can and do something that just relaxes you. I didn't realize my typo. I meant de-stress.

Ha ha, I thought you meant take time to freak out and then move on.

Which COULD work I suppose, but not for me. I would never stop.

Thanks for the advice and clarification