Severe Harm-OCD please help me

The past couple of weeks I was suffering from intrusive thoughts that I already have or will email or write an innapropriate offensive letter to my roommates

there was times I woke up in the morning and my intrusive thoughts said that sometime when I was sleeping I woke up wrote a highly innapropriate letter about my roomate and his family and the intrusive thoughts said that i hide it in his computer desk

I always fought these intrusive thoughts I knew that I would never do that

There was times I woke up in the middle of the night to get milk and food to eat cause around those days I was smoking cannabis and I got hungry

So when i was in the kitchen around those days of smoking cannabis, I would go get food,

On top of our refrigerator is kitchen cleaning products

I would get a quick intrusive thought of " me poisoning our food and drinks " with mental images of doing this terrible act

And I was able to tell myself immediately that is redicolous , I would never do that , I was able to brush off the intrusive thought of poisoning food and drinks really fast

And while making food I would get an intrusive though with intrusive visual images that I wrote a highly innapropriate letter about my roomates family and that I hide it in his computer desk

And I would tell myself I know what reality is ... I just woke up and walked past my roomates computer desk and I went straight to the kitchen

It's scary how the intrusive thoughts and intrusive visual images of these fears attack my brain and make it feel very real , they feel like delusions , hallucinations , the intrusive attacks make it feel like it happened and it's hard to believe if it really happened or not .....

I got mentally paralized and told my roomates days later that I have these intrusive thoughts , I explained to them that i could be on facebook, my email and i sudden get intrusive thoughts that I wrote something highly innapropriate to a friend about his family. I told my roomates that I'm even afraid to go to people's homes cause im afraid I will lose control of myself or blackout mentally and write a note or letter about the friend and his family and hide it somewhere in there house ,

My roomates obviously checked the computer desk and there was no innapropriate letters hidden in the computer from me

I knew these were severe intrusive thoughts/intrusive images/pure-o/harm-ocd/ and false memory symptoms

3days ago I was looking online and found a way to fight of the intrusive thoughts of me saying or writing something innapropriate to friends by mentally telling myself " I accept that I do not accept these thoughts "

That made me feel better

So 3 days ago I went to take a shower , my roomate and his friend was home

After the shower I was hungry so i went to the kitchen made a turkey sandwich got milk ,

I saw the kitchen cleaning products on top our refrigerator

And of course being a human that i am I have vision I see what's around me and think as any other human would

I finished eating then put the plate and cup into the sink

And then like 2 minutes later all of a sudden I got intrusive thoughts and intrusive visual images of me " poisoning food and drinks that's in our refrigerator with the kitchen cleaning products "

It made me feel so disgusting , awful, I was very scared and I was having a panic attack

I kept on telling myself I would never do that , I kept on telling myself I have no memory of touching any of those kitchen cleaning products, I kept on telling myself I have no memory of ever doing that to calm me down to try to fight off the terrible thoughts and images of this evil terrible thought

I even told myself that I would drink and eat anything in the refrigerator

I don't have any urges to do anything like this

It's mentally and physically paralizing when u have thoughts and images that u did this act

What gives me hope is me telling myself that I have no memory of doing this

And I look at the kitchen cleaning products on top of our refrigerator to try to face my fears, I look at the cleaning products and tell myself that I have never touched any of them , and that I would never purposively poison anyone's drinks or food

The next day and today me being in the kitchen causes a lot of worries and it scares me , it's this constant fear that since I have these intrusive thoughts that I will lose consciousness somehow and poison food and drinks and not remember.

I feel like if I told my roomates to hide the kitchen cleaning products I would feel a little better

But that would scare them

I have to face my fears and I know that I would never poison food and drinks

It's awful these intrusive thoughts and intrusive images have made me feel super depressed and super sick , I've been thinking about going to the mental hospital

I'm glad you found a little bit of help, keep to it. Thank you for keeping us updated too, I wish you all the best of luck. HUGS!! don't give up the meds will usually help. Best wishes

im on 20mg prozac, 500mg divalproex twice daily, and 10mg zyprexa my intrusive repetitive thoughts that i have said or written something inappropriate, such as swearing at ones employer or writing hate-filled letters to a friend on my facebook instagram twitter wont go away hoping therapy and a higher dose of prozac will help me any advice you guys?