[clearskys3]

Hello for the past 4 months I have been struggling with HOCD very badly which is being terrified I am gay. I don't want to be gay so badly and I know that I am not but I have so much anxiety over it. I have gotten over it several times and felt free but only for a week at the longest.

I wake up every day and my first thoughts are always "I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight. I'm straight right?" I constantly feel like I am about to lose grasp of the awareness I am straight. Like if I do not constantly think about it I will completely fall over to being gay. It is so terrifying to me. I have always been interested in girls since I was young and always got aroused to girls and still do but it seems when I do now for some reason it doesn't convince me and its like I forget right afterwards.

I was positive I was straight for 19 years and never once thought I was gay. I had alot of guy friends that I was never once attracted to but one thing that fights the ocd really badly is i have not had a lot of friends who are girls but this is because I have really bad anxiety in general and often get nervous when talking to people and as dumb as I feel when I say this I get really nervous when I am talking to girls because I feel like I apear dumb and weird if I don't know what to say and I constantly judge myself.

My head feels so confused and lost. I feel like I am forgetting myself and am changing. I feel so bizzare honestly and my head feels so wrong like something is really not ok. My head goes blank very often and I just can't think. Sometimes I am scared and I do not know why. I am constantly stressed out and on edge. I think about killing myself everyday and often hope I get in some sort of serious accident resulting in my death.

All through my day I am in my head thinking, never in the moment, even when I am with people I will talk and stuff and I do other hobbies but even while doing them I am constantly in my head thinking "I am straight, I am straight, I am straight, I am straight right?" Sometimes I am literally terrified and other times I feel so dead inside my head goes blank. I am so tired and alone and I don't have anyone who understands and even doing nothing all day is very hard... I have been trying to get into a pyschatrist for 2 weeks but none my insurance sent has got me in so far and its getting frustrating.

I constantly analyze how I look at things or think about things. For example If I am looking at a guy and I like his clothes or I would wear those clothes I think I am not attracted to him right? and I over think it until its ridiculous and I look at a girl and I have to think I want to be with a girl right? The other day I was watching a music video and this girl was dancing in it, and I thought she was cute but then a horrible thought came in my head "Am I looking at her imagining her as myself? Do I wish I was a girl? this absolutely terrified me and I couldn't think. It totally through me into total confusion for some reason and extreme anxiety.

I have looked up guys to make sure I was not attracted to them and I get so much anxiety and just over think it, " Thats not attractive right, thats not attractive right?" When I see gay things I can tell I don't like it, and i would never watch gay porn or do anything gay but sometimes I am so lost and confused I can't even think. There are many times were I tell myself confidently that "Yes, obviously I am straight I have always been straight" but I never stay sure of it, I tell myself my sexuality doesn't just change but its like my head will forget how I used to think and sometimes something will remind me and I will have a moment of clarity were I am ok but it always fades back into confusion.

The only time I have felt free of the anxiety was the several times I have convinced myself without a doubt I was straight and could imagine myself with a girl. It scares me to think I could never have a connection with a person and will continue to be alone forever, and it is also terrifying to think I will turn gay, often I get extreme anxiety about checking to make sure i don't get aroused to guys and its like i really don't want to look at guys but I get so much anxiety and it tells me to make sure i dont get aroused and I dont want to so bad but my head just doesn't stop...

I want to die, I don't enjoy anything anymore and I feel absolutely insane. I feel stupid and like I am a horrible human being. I feel less than a person and like no one could look at me as an equal but as something inferior. I have always really wanted a girlfriend because I have been somewhat depressed since I was about 15. When I was 18 it got really bad and thats when I started to feel like i was less than a person. Like I don't have a personality. I dreamt of meeting a girl who saw something in me and had the patience to get to know me because I worry I am in no way worth how long it would take for me to get comfortable with a girl and thats really scary.. I just wanted someone to hold me and actually care about me and have a connection with someone but this ocd has taking that dream away. I don't know what I want, I never want to be with a guy and I am positive when I say that but afterwards i get anxiety and doubts and i just over think it so much and it wont leave my head well I mean I want a girlfriend but there are always these doubts and anxieties that drive me crazy

Someone please help me

[avlady]

I am not a doctor and have OCD to an extent so i don't really know much about it though. i think it deals with obssevive thoughts and actions. i think you are obsessed with the idea you may be gay. it sounds like you aren't since you don't want to be. you say you are attracted to girls, you are just worried you may be gay? it is probably a sort of a phase you may be going through because of your diagnosis.

[kindheartedxo]

Hi clearskys3, I have been threw a couple of these things you are going threw. I thought I was a lesbian before because I kissed lots of my girl friends but we were just actually friends. Then one day it hit me and still does I think I'm a lesbian. But I am 100% percent straight and always have been and always will be. I don't have problem with lesbians or gay people but I just don't roll that way. But you have to realize they are just thoughts in your head it does not mean you are gay . You are getting scared of the thought that you are gay but you know as you have said " you are straight and dream of girls" So this could just be you are having anxiety and panic. You are having automatic thoughts constantly and it is making you believe in your head you are gay but you know you are not . It has taken over you . You have to fight the obsessive thoughts . Don't let it get the best of you . Worrying always makes it worse then what it really is. I know its a difficult situation and its like your head is on repeat with these thoughts and they don't go away so you have to try your hardest to think about other things. Focus on certain things like your five senses when this happens. Taste touch smell see hear .It helps break the obsessive thought and focuses your mind on other things so you can think straight. Brings you back down to earth. Trying not to freak out and when this happens staying calm and relax and breathe slowly is very important . The more you panic the worse it gets.I had been threw something like this and I got help from a trained professional and this can really help . I myself am still suffering with my own issues but I hope this helps !

[Skippingdisc]

Hey, do you still feel like this? It just started with me about a month ago, I'm a girl who NEVER questioned herself before. I've had bad ocd issues when I was you get but that was so long ago. And now at 22 it's back and it's terrifying. 😣

[Skippingdisc]

Hey I'm a 22 year old female and I hope this is what I've been dealing with as well. I hope you feel better after all these posts and I'm sure you've been reading up on 100 sites like I have, and I've gotten to a point where I've just said 'yup so be it then I am,' but then I panick and yell at myself in my head 'no in not!' It just doesn't feel right, nor would that make me happy. The thought terrifies me yet my mind plays such tricks on me. I've never EVER questioned it until now and it disgusts me because I want to grow old happily with a MAN and have children yet these pests of thoughts won't let me think clearly. You're not alone I promise.