HOCD: Will I ever be back to normal?

I started suffering from Homoseuxal OCD back in December 2013. I've learned since then to use the "IDGAF" attitude when dealing with the thoughts. However, I want to know this, will the thoughts eventually subside if I keep going like this? Will I ever return back to normal? Before OCD hit me, I never once worried about whether I was gay or not. I never questioned that I was straight. I also used to watch porn so much that it doesn't phase me anymore. But in turn, I'd like to have a cleaner mind from now on. So I stopped. I know that I never felt feelings for any guys before. (I never had a girlfriend either, but I have fallen for girls before.) Another thing I used to do was I would sometimes do roleplay (purely using text) In a gay scenario. I didn't enjoy it and now wonder why I did that. But, my mind never got the OCD during that time either. So, why now? And will I ever go back to normal? Will I stop worrying and will the thoughts go away eventually? (Not the OCD, just the obsessive thoughts) If I keep my "IDGAF" attitude for a while? I don't want to deal with these constant thoughts and constant headaches because of the thoughts for much longer. I hope it goes away soon and I can just be myself again...

Shadowking,
I can't tell you whether the thoughts will go away. In my experience, most of my OCD symptoms shift or wane over time. I used to wash my hands till they were bloody - I don't anymore, but new obsessions/compulsions take their place.
Are you taking any medication for the OCD?
You don't need to share this - but I would suggest you might want to talk to a counselor about your sexual history. How young were you when you were first exposed to pornography? Have you seen sexual acts performed as a child or been involved in sexual acts as a child? Some folks just really get into porn, but for others, there are things in the background which may be pushing the use of pornography, etc. and which when understood/processed can relieve some of the pressure/urge.
I'd talk to a counselor about the gay role playing. The fact that you engaged in this while at the same time disliking it seems indicative of something...but I don't know what.

Sorry to be a pain, but I don't recommend a counselor, but instead CBT with a qualified and experienced psychologist. (that came from my psychologist, when I asked her about counselors for OCD) As for the other stuff:

I don't have HOCD, but I think I used to, or rather, it was an obsession of mine for quite a while. I do, however, have another kind, similar in principle, that is very debilitating.

The "IDGAF" attitude serves to ignore the obsessive thoughts, so as not to make them so prominent in your mind, much like the whole "pink elephant" thing, if you're familiar with it. So, in theory, you should improve, over time, by not giving those thoughts the attention they so desperately want. Unfortunately, you're probably not tackling the core beliefs that got you into this way in the first place, which is where CBT comes in.

To you asking whether you will ever returned back to normal? Honestly, I don't think anyone can answer that, at least nobody here, and likely no professional. As I understand it, also based on what my psychologist told me: OCD can be very unpredictable - some people with go through CBT and have it be life-changing for them, after which they go back to their normal lives, and are quite happy. Some people, however, like me, do get something from it, but are by no means "fixed".

The fact that you've never been in a relationship with a female, is simply wood to put on the fire, for your OCD. I know the score, because I regularly go there, and have done for over ten years. The unknown is never good, when it comes to OCD, because that just feeds your imagination and thus your fears. You need to accept the unknown. I've never been in a relationship with a dude, so does that mean I could be gay? No, of course it doesn't; it simply means I've never been in a relationship with a dude. By that same merit, you've never been in a relationship with a woman, but that doesn't mean you're gay; it simply means that you've never been in a relationship with a woman.

The whole roleplay thing is another typical OCD aspect, or at least, typical in this particular area, as you're basically "testing" yourself, which isn't exactly far from "checking", an obsession with which I'm sure you're familiar. Now you know why you did that.

I've had OCD since I was about 10 years old. Nobody recognised the (rather obvious) signs, and it only developed over the years, getting much, much worse, until it became debilitating with relationships, friendships, family, going out, work, etc.

Point is, you likely had the early beginnings of OCD starting on, back then. I suspect that at some point in your young life (or whenever that time was) you were either teased for being "gay" (typical insult at school, I find) or had particularly strong values towards sexuality taught by your parent(s), thus instilling a fear and a belief that being "gay" is "wrong".

I'm certain you feel that being gay is a bad thing, else you wouldn't be here in the first place - don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you're homophobic, or a bad person as a result of such beliefs, as that's something entirely different, ... I'm saying that the prospect alone of being "gay" is against your core beliefs so much that it causes conflict, and that conflict masquerades in the form of obsessions and compulsions. I may have some of that a little off, but for the most part, I stole stuff from my psychologist and stuff I've read up on, over the years.

Hope that helped your understanding.

Have you ever tried CBT? I really recommend it, especially while you have this "IDGAF" attitude.

The Human Mind and Pure O/OCD

Well, let me just start off by saying that all of the things that I am going to be talking about I have applied to my situation and to myself. I myself have experienced HOCD so most of my material will be aimed towards helping people with HOCD. Although, if you have a different type of obsession, my material could help you as well. Anyone that is suffering or who has suffered with OCD knows that “beating it”, “defeating it”, “getting rid of it”, “battling it”, or “wishing it away” isn’t an easy task.

I have suffered with HOCD for about a year now and I have finally come to a realization that I’m going to do something about it.

But…wait…

Haven’t you been “trying” to do something about it this entire time?

Good question and I know exactly what you mean when you ask that.

You are right that I have been “trying” to do something about OCD for an entire year. Would you not agree that this is a problem though?

We all know that Thomas Edison didn’t invent the light bulb in a day, a week, or even a year.

But…

If Edison stuck with the very first thing he thought of every time then we wouldn’t have light bulbs today. Hypothetically speaking of course.

We are also not trying to solve something that has never been solved either. What you may not know about the real truth is that hundreds of thousands of people have overcome OCD and will continue to overcome OCD. 100,000 people probably isn’t even close to being accurate. The point is you can’t do the same thing that ISN’T working over and over again and expect it to work. You have to have courage to try and do something else. This is something the doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists may not be telling you. They may be so-called “professionals” but most of them have never had pure o/ocd. So they don’t know what it is like, therefore in my opinion they aren’t really equipped to help you. The world of psychology now a days in my opinion has too much to do with medication and not enough to do with actually getting to the root of the problem and actually helping people. Also, medication doesn’t get rid of a thought. You are going to have a thought no matter what chemically altering substance you ingest.

Don’t buy into the lie that pure O/OCD isn’t curable. That is a load of garbage.

Hmm… well, okay, cool.

Yes, cool indeed.

Let me ask you something… if I were to ask you how you developed OCD, HOCD, or whatever OCD you have… would you know the answer?

The exact date? Time? The exact thought?

If you know the answers to those questions then either you developed OCD yesterday or you are a complete genius.

By the way, those answers are completely useless and irrelevant and so is OCD/Pure O. You might as well go ahead and assign “OCD/Pure O” to a different category. That name of that category is called “irrelevant things”.

I’m going to be throwing around the word irrelevant quite a bit because it is in my opinion the most important aspect that is going to …..

Going to what? Hmm… well, that’s another good question.

Isn’t it?

What I’m about to tell you is in my opinion one of the most crucial things to realize with OCD.

You may have already realized it for yourself, but you still can’t make the necessary steps to…..

To what? Why do you keep dodging the “what”? What “word” are you talking about here?

Is it “defeat”, “get rid of”, “magically wish away”, “wish you never had it”, “wish you never developed it”, “beat”, “realize how irrational it is”, “annihilate”, “demolish”, “eradicate from your mind”, etc…..

I think you are familiar with these things. I think you understand where I’m going with this. These are things that you are way too “familiar” with. Right?

How do you think OCD even started? Well, let’s think about this.

What is OCD? OCD stands for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is just a fancy name given to people that

1.) Obsess
2.) Are compulsive about their obsession, which basically means that it is “uncontrollable”, “overwhelming”, or “irresistible”. Meaning they can’t help it.. but actually they can and that they do it over and over again, 24/7 almost.
3.) The third word is “disorder”… I think one could agree that when you put an obsession and make it compulsive that it is a disorder.

Now, that is OCD, which is also irrelevant and I’ll get to that later.

There is also what is called Pure O. Something you may also be familiar with. The difference between OCD and Pure O is that Pure O are usually thoughts only while OCD involves some type of unwanted repeated action like washing your hands a thousand times a day for example. Pure O stands for “pure obsession”, meaning it is just an obsession in the mind. You could also say “pure addiction” or “pure habit” as well, which is also one of the other most crucial points to realize, if you haven’t already. It’s an addiction of the mind. A habit.

Now I stated above that I am mainly going to cover HOCD because that is what I am suffering with. I don’t think it would be fair to cover any other type of OCD because I don’t exactly know what it is like to have other types of OCD’s or Pure O’s.
In my case (I don’t know about your case) my HOCD started off as a Pure O type. Which, in my opinion, that is usually how they all start. I could be wrong though.

*This is important to realize: “All Pure O (pure obsession)/ OCD started within the mind by a thought.

Meaning… you could have lived your life for 10+ years without obsessing about something and then BAM!... all of a sudden for some reason you had to have an irrelevant thought that was going to eventually turn into pure o/ocd.

Okay, well, why can’t I free myself of OCD/Pure O then?

Hmm….. well, lets just go a little further. Shall we?

(Again, I can’t express this enough that my material is aimed for HOCD individuals)

Okay, well, what else is OCD/Pure O?… well, it is a fear and addiction.

**********An irrelevant obsessive fear and addiction***************

Irrelevant
Fear
Addiction

Soak that in for a couple of minutes. Go some where, and just relax. Think about those 3 words for me if you will. Focus on an object like a clock or a watch for example. Just examine it and think about every little detail as much as possible while thinking about those 3 words. Get a glass of water and think about how much that water is going to make your mind healthy and your body healthy. Believe that it is going to make you healthy. Take as much time as you need and then come back to read the rest when you are ready.

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Okay, thanks for doing that for me (if you did). Don’t feel ashamed if you didn’t actually do it. I know you want to tackle this thing and get it taken care of so you can move on with your life. I want you to be healthy. I hate that people have to go through this horrific thing. It really hurts us. It does a lot of harm to us. I hate it. It is disgusting, defiling, horrific, horrible, nasty, and just down right debilitating. I’m sure you would agree. You deserve to be helped. Not because you are a deserving person, but because this simply doesn’t have to apart of your life. In fact, there was probably a time in your life when you didn’t have to even worry about this at all. If you lived a time in your life when you didn’t have this disorder then it is possible to go back to that state when you didn’t have to worry about this.

I’m sorry if I seem to be getting off track of things and I know you are probably expecting me to get to a crucial point but the truth is that the thing that really helped me the most is realizing this crucial point. Crucial word or aspect rather……

Can you guess what it is? I like to ask a lot of questions because I want you to think about this. Not only to get your mind off of your obsession but to really soak it in and realize what I’m trying to teach you.

I can’t transfer my methods into your head. I have to do the best I can to type this thoroughly enough for you to understand.

Okay, I’ll try to get back on track here……

Now… Out of those 3 words that I put in italicized bold print above… which one do you think is the most important out of the 3?

Irrelevant

Remember all of those phrases I also listed above too?

Phrases like “battling it”, “defeating it”, “getting rid of it”, “rationalizing with it”, etc…

These are why you still have OCD/Pure O.

OCD and/or Pure O started one day in the mind. One day you started having a certain unwanted thought for some reason and then you probably said to yourself something along the lines of…. “No, I would never do that”, “That’s not who I am”, “That’s messed up, why would I think of something like this?”

To be honest, the fact that you have OCD/Pure O proves that you would never do these things and that you don’t want to do them. It is because you are a moral person.

What you may not realize is that you have actually accidentally programmed your mind to have these thoughts automatically by habit or addiction.
Remember that you cannot repeat the same thing that started the disorder and expect to get results. You have to have courage and be willing to face your fear.

See your mind or subconscious views this as a life threatening situation. It really isn’t but until you “prove” this to your subconscious, trying to rationalize with it just makes it worse.

You see, the reason why I say the word “irrelevant” is the most crucial thing to realize in my opinion is because you and I are/were essentially trying to defeat an irrelevant fear.

Facing your fear head on doesn’t mean “battling it”, “trying to defeat it”, “trying to rationalize”.

There is actually a way to prove to your subconscious and to yourself that you would never do these things. You already know you would never do them but your subconscious mind learns more by your actions and how you react to your thoughts.

The only thing that separates people that have OCD/Pure O from people that don’t have OCD/Pure O is the reaction to certain thought or compulsive behavior. Everybody experiences messed up thoughts. It would actually be impossible and not normal for someone to go through life without experiencing or having a thought like this. Everybody does!

This is part of what I did to help myself is to realize all of this.

After I came to this realization, I had to then do something with the realization that I had come to. I also had to do something different. Something that worked. I knew I couldn’t keep doing the same thing that I had been doing because that is what kept fueling my OCD/Pure O.

Okay, so now let us recap. So you have an addiction/habit of the mind. It is an irrelevant fear also. The way that it started in the first place and what is keeping it going right now have one main thing in common. That thing that they have in common is the fact that you are still doing the same thing that you did the first day that you developed this irrelevant habitual fear.

Okay, so I realize all of this but I’m still having thoughts. If I can’t engage with them at all then how do I stop the thoughts from coming?

That’s the problem my friend………..trying to stop the thoughts from coming.

You are doing the same thing that started the thoughts right in the first place. The reason why you are still having the thoughts is because you are “trying to get rid of them”. You are “battling it”, “trying to get rid of it”, “trying to rationalize”, “trying to defeat”. I don’t like these terms because this is what keeps OCD/Pure O going.

If you have not heard of the story that Hercules learned when battling the Hydra then I would suggest you look it up.

I’ll cut to the chase and give you a summarized version of the story.

Hercules was sent to battle the Hydra. The Hydra is a creature that has more than one head. Hercules was a strong individual just like you.

Anyone that can still function in day to day living with this disorder is a strong person. We are not strong because we are strong. We are strong because we are weak and keep moving forward when constantly knocked down, but there are lessons in life I believe all people should learn.

Okay, back to the Hercules story. Hercules is battling the Hydra. He took some kind of sharp weapon with him to battle the Hydra like a sword for example. He figured that he would cut off all of the heads of the Hydra in order to kill the creature. Hercules ran into a problem though. Every time he cut off one of the Hydras heads, two more grew back in its place. The more Hercules fought with the Hydra the more he lost.

Trust me Hercules is tough and can “handle” a Hydra but in order for him to defeat the Hydra was to defeat the Hydra a certain way. Because the way that he had been trying to defeat the Hydra wasn’t going anywhere. Every time he cut off a head, 2 more grew back. Hercules had to essentially not only “give up” but he had to kneel before the Hydra, pick the creature up and hold the creature into the light. He had to accept that in order to defeat his foe, he had to give rise by kneeling.

Now I can’t remember exactly how the Hydra was “killed” but that’s not the point.

The fact that you are still “trying to get rid of these thoughts” is essentially you trying to cut off of a Hydra head. OCD/Pure O is the Hydra and your sword is anything you use to try to get rid of the irrelevant fear you have.

When Hercules knelt to the Hydra and lifted the creature up, he gave rise to himself because he accepted that he couldn’t defeat it the way he thought he would defeat it.

Acceptance is actually a powerful thing here for you. It is one of the tools you are going to be using to help you become OCD/Pure O free.

If you have lived with OCD/Pure O your entire life I can’t exactly relate to you because I didn’t have OCD/Pure O my entire life. I developed OCD/Pure O when I was 23 years old. I had social anxiety as well and then it got so bad that it eventually developed into HOCD because I had a gay thought, too…..one day….Seriously, I know it sounds silly… it is literally one day you had a homosexual thought. That is how it all starts. I can tell you right off of the bat that it is impossible for your sexual orientation to all of sudden just “biologically change.” IMPOSSIBLE. If you are worried about being gay, then you are not gay. Plain and simple.

Okay, moving on.

You can’t get OCD/Pure O free without facing your fear. Period. You have to prove to your subconscious mind that this is nothing to you. Nothing at all.

So, I said to myself, I didn’t used to have OCD/Pure O. I made it up to 23 years without having this problem, sooo… why can’t I just replicate the person that I used to be?

I can use my memory to help me too.

You have to remember who you TRULY ARE!

Which is NOT your thoughts. AT ALL!

Accept that you can’t do anything about this, accept the anxiety, accept the thoughts as just thoughts. Stop trying to defeat them!!!!!!

Give rise that you are truly helpless and are in need of help. Admit that you can’t do anything.

Now after you have done all of this, use your memory of who you were before to help you. If you can’t remember then you have to create yourself in your head of who you want to be. How you want to do things.

You need to have courage. Courage faces fears. Have the courage to stand up and act according to who you truly are. Doing this all the time while allowing the thoughts to be there.

I had to do this with my social anxiety as well. The fact of the matter is that you are too afraid to face it and would rather go into your comfort zone. I’m not trying to offend you but you have to get up and have courage. Face your fears.

I know it may seem like you are too emotionally, spiritually, and mentally damaged but trust me you CAN RECOVER. The first step is getting rid of the anxiety. You get rid of the anxiety by letting it be there while doing an action that contradicts it.

You have to give rise to yourself by accepting that the thoughts you are having are just thoughts. Worrying doesn’t do any good at all. None. In fact, it makes it worse.

You get rid of the fear of OCD/Pure O then you get rid of OCD/Pure O.

But don’t use terms like “get rid of” or “defeat” because that is like Hercules using a sword to cut off a Hydra head.

If you haven’t read the story about Hercules and the Hydra then I STRONGLY suggest that you do.

He had to kneel and accept. This is what gave Hercules great strength. This is what is going to give you strength as well. Have courage. Do the opposite of what you think you should be doing.

What you are doing is why you still have OCD/Pure O. You have to be willing to have courage and go out and face this thing while allowing the anxiety and thoughts to be there at the same time.

It is not going to happen over night, but you ultimately have to choose whether or not you want to live with this anymore.

I hope your answer is no, because once you realize just how silly all of this worrying is you will probably want to face palm yourself.

The mind is truly powerful and has incredible healing abilities. Your mind can regenerate. It has a powerful ability to heal and regenerate. I bet you didn’t know that did ya?

Your emotional and spiritual health will get better too, trust me, but it all starts in the mind. It also starts with your heart as well. Heal your mind and heart.

Follow your heart with your mind. Your heart is telling you that this isn’t the real you and you don’t have to live with this the rest of your life like this. Listen to your heart. You are strong, beautiful, and a fully capable human being. A human that doesn’t need to be restricted to such horrific vileness.

Once you are able to function without worrying and also naturally is when you can successfully say that you have freed yourself from this habit and irrelevant fear.

You are essentially going to have to learn how to walk again. You need to have courage. Courage faces fears. Courage proves to the subconscious as well. That proof that you have so been longing for this whole time is in the essence of acceptance and courage.

You are not living in the moment. You are living in the restrictions of OCD. You cannot get rid of OCD/Pure O because it is an irrelevant fear and habit.

Courage, kindness, acceptance, and…… love.

These are the things that make a person strong. Make a person capable. Find a passion. Something you really care about and go after it with all of your might. A healthy passion please. If you are watching porn, drinking, smoking, going to strip clubs, etc… I would advise you to stop or try your best to stop because you are polluting yourself. You can say I’m offensive all you want.
I just want you to be healthy.

When the thought enters your head just let it be there. Imagine yourself actually physically reaching into your mind and grabbing the thought and then tossing it into the air. All of this time while doing the opposite of your compulsions and not giving into to them.

So, I say have courage. It isn’t going to happen overnight but you have to have discipline. Discipline yourself to see how long you can go without having a thought or compulsion by accepting them. It will take practice but I know you are capable of doing this. Make it a game. Make it a goal.

Trust me. I know you are more than capable of doing this. If I can do it so can you. I’ve been through some very dark times. Almost committed suicide. I’ve wanted to commit suicide so many times. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to want it bad enough.

You have to be willing to risk embarrassment as well. You have to have courage and replicate a version of yourself that never had OCD/Pure O to begin with.

I’m only passing down information that I had to learn for myself as well. We all have been in the “shoes”. We all know what it is like to walk in those shoes. I’ve been there. I was the person learning about this stuff at one time too. I’m not trying to discourage you, I’m just trying to get you to realize that you can do this.

Imagine how you would be, how you would act, what you would think if you never developed this disorder and then be as close to that person as possible.

Do all of this while accepting the thoughts or letting the thoughts be there. This is how you prove to yourself that it is possible is by taking action and having courage.

This is basically what I did to free myself of OCD/Pure O.

If I didn’t explain this well enough to help then I truly believe that if you ask I can better help you.

Okay, it is time to free yourself from this vileness and get your mental health back in order. Your health is the most important thing to you. I want it to be the most important thing to you because I don’t want you to have to suffer anymore. Especially from something that is truly irrelevant.

It is something that shouldn’t “be there” in the first place.

Take care.

yes, you will be back to normal. OCD comes in bouts i find.

How long has it taken for other peoples to go away? I want mine to stop ��