[lovesdogs99]

Hey.. I'm 15 and a girl, for starters. And I haven't been diagnosed with OCD.

I know that most teenagers question their sexuality. Especially now that gay/bi/trans is in the media and widely accepted. My best friend is a lesbian and my other best friend is a transman. I TOTALLY support them whole-heartedly. I've always been an advocate for gay rights. I actually wrote a paper on Marriage Equality.

For a few months, I've been terrified of falling for everyone/everything.. parents, family, kids, old people, animals, even stuffed animals. Anything you can imagine.

Right now the fear is being gay. All I want is to fall in love with a man but now I'm terrified of being gay.

I've dated 2 boys before. I fell in love with both of them, felt sparks for them, was turned on by them. I have had a mountain of crushes on boys! A boy could simply look at me and I'd be aroused. I was basically obsessed with falling in love up until I started having what I think is OCD.

I've kissed/made out with girls before. I feel nothing. I'm not aroused by them. I've even been touched by other girls down stairs or my breasts and I feel nothing. It's nothing like being touched by a boy. When I'm not attracted to a boy and I kiss him, I feel sick. When I kiss a girl, I don't even feel sick, I just feel nothing.

I've never had a crush on a girl. There have been three girls that wanted to date me but I just don't like girls...

Now I'm entirely paranoid of being gay.

I'm a teenager so obviously I'm going to be hormone-crazed. But I'm terrified of being intimate with boys, even holding a boys hand. (This is the result of a 20 year old man using me for sex four months ago) I was never scared of falling for people before him. Anyway, so I haven't been next to or near a boy besides my dad in a long time.

I also never ever leave the house. I've left the house maybe three times over my whole summer break. I'm starting school (10th grade, public school) in just 13 days. I'm so terrified to be around humans.

I just don't want to be gay.... all I wanna do is fall in love with a guy some day. I just want to be myself.

I KNOW I'm not gay... but then I worry that I'm suppressing feelings.

I was watching fashion videos on YouTube before and I looked at the girls breasts and then I got so terribly sick to my stomach and cried for an hour.

The only thing is, I have masturbated to girls in the past. Or watched lesbian pornography. But it's always been a fantasy thing, nothing I'd actually do because I'm completely straight in real life...

... or so I thought ..

:'(

I'm going crazy.

I have therapy in 2 days but I feel so suicidal, I don't know if I can emotionally make it much longer... I'm not planning on leaving my room. I won't hurt myself but I just FEEL like I can't get over this.


I'm a girl

[krisakira]

Sorry for having to ask this, but are you a boy or a girl? I am finding it hard to understand the post because I don't know what gender you are. Thanks.

[lovesdogs99]

I'm a girl!

[MacabreMagpie]

If you're actively attracted to boys, then you can't be gay - that would make you bisexual at the most. but if you're not actively attracted to the same sex then you're probably bicurious or bisensual. By which case I mean, men fulfil your main romantic/sexual attraction (or will do, once you're older) but you're not against trying things with women. Would that be a less frightening level of sexuality for you?

I really don't think that anyone can OCD themselves into being gay, I don't think you need to worry.

[Feluram]

Originally Posted by krisakira

Sorry for having to ask this, but are you a boy or a girl? I am finding it hard to understand the post because I don't know what gender you are. Thanks.

The OP is a girl..lovesdogs99 can confirm if that's not the case.

[krisakira]

OK being a girl, that makes much more sense. Thanks for the clarification. I do believe your OCD is playing tricks on your mind. You're not gay, and if you are, is that a big deal? Why are you terrified of it? I hope you are seeing a therapist to address this issue.

[lovesdogs99]

Originally Posted by MacabreMagpie

If you're actively attracted to boys, then you can't be gay - that would make you bisexual at the most. but if you're not actively attracted to the same sex then you're probably bicurious or bisensual. By which case I mean, men fulfil your main romantic/sexual attraction (or will do, once you're older) but you're not against trying things with women. Would that be a less frightening level of sexuality for you?

I really don't think that anyone can OCD themselves into being gay, I don't think you need to worry.

Yeah, I guess that's less frightening. Thanks for the reply.

I KNOW people are born gay and that its not a choice..

Originally Posted by krisakira

OK being a girl, that makes much more sense. Thanks for the clarification. I do believe your OCD is playing tricks on your mind. You're not gay, and if you are, is that a big deal? Why are you terrified of it? I hope you are seeing a therapist to address this issue.

I'm going to talk to my therapist about it on Thursday. Its only my second visit so yeah its nothing I've ever mentioned to her before.

Its a big deal to me because I want to fall in love with a guy. Like I said, I've fallen blindly in love with two boys before. It was magical.

I don't want the ability to fall in love taken from me.

I don't want to be gay because I like guys.

[Eevee]

For a few months, I've been terrified of falling for everyone/everything.. parents, family, kids, old people, animals, even stuffed animals. Anything you can imagine.

Holy crap, are you me? This sounds exactly like what I was going through around 15-16. Stay strong and remember that a lot of people have all kinds of weird feelings at that age, when you're just getting used to being a sexual creature. Sexuality is confusing and society ties so much of your identity to it, but remember it's not everything you are. And trust me, the older you get, the more secure you'll be with whichever identity you happen to be (sounds to me you're just a straight girl who can appreciate female beauty, which is totally okay). Either way, feel better!