[Maven]

I just want to say that it's amazing how much OCD can take over one's life. I can't do the simplest things without OCD interfering. I worry about touching this or that, things moving, dust spreading, and a zillion other things. I don't feel like I'm getting the help I need, yet there isn't anything else available. People get stressed and frustrated with me, and me with them, but the meds aren't helping, at least not yet (I'm on four different ones). I feel like I'll never have the life I want.

I just turned 41, and for the things I want in life, there isn't much time to achieve them. On top of that, I am experiencing more health issues, and I worry that I'll become debilitated and have even less chance of achieving my goals in life. No one knows what to say or do to help me feel better. The shrink just nods and writes a prescription, and then I have to wait a couple of months to try another dosage or new drug.

(Incidentally, I'm still trying to reach my doctor by phone to try to get a dosage increase, but it's hard, because my sleep hours are unusual and plus I've been ill these past few days, so I am not up and able to be available for a phone call. My OCD also has a lot to do with all of it.)

I'm so very tired. Why do I have such a ridiculous disorder that makes me unable to touch things or do certain things, solely because of irrational thoughts? And other people don't understand. Some even laugh. Some seem to ignore what I've told them (I might say I don't like to be touched, and then they'll go, "You mean, like this?" or see me at a later date and want to hug me). I don't get it.

I feel like my life is frozen. Same, day in and day out. Boring. Lonely. Sad. Miserable. And I can scream, cry and beg for help, and it doesn't matter.

[mysterytour]

maven.it does matter.....you matter......the fight is hard but never give up...i am 58 and have lived with ocd for over 38 years.....it took many trials and errors before i found the right medication (i take a high dose of prozac).....but my life now is very good and yours can be too! don't give up! i understand and i care.....

[KUREHA]

How long have you been taking those meds?
If it's been a while - you should ask to change or change the dose.

Could you just leave a message with the receptionist?

Have you tried CBT?
If not - I think you should - it could help

Take Care

I hear you! I've had OCD for about 20 years... Sometimes you get really really fed up! Still there's many future days to look forward to... You will find your way to deal with this and feel better. Have you had any CBT?

((((((((( Maven )))))))))

[Maven]

Thanks, all. Kureha, I've been on one med or combination of meds for 31 years. Different ones, new ones. As for the current meds, I've been on all of them before, but not in combination. I've only seen my current shrink twice (although I'd also seen him a long time ago when I was a teenager), two months apart between visits, and I'm going to him because my previous shrink, whom I'd seen for around a year, maybe a little more, retired.

I did leave a message with the receptionist, and I'd told her to tell him to leave a message with a time for me to call him back, or for him to let me know when he'd call me back, so I could plan to be available. (I'd been ill all last week--still suffering some symptoms--and needed to rest, plus I sleep all day normally, anyway, because my OCD situation requires that I be awake to do my rituals late at night, since I need my boyfriend's help with certain things, and he works during the day.) I don't know if she told him, but all he did was leave a message stating his name and that he was returning my call. I'm going to try to reach him again Monday.

As for CBT, while I've done some on my own (from reading and watching documentaries and segments on shows about it), I've never had a professional helping me. I have never once had a psychiatrist or psychologist even bring it up. I've brought it up, but they don't even talk about it. They'll tell me they do behavior modification, but they don't do anything but give me pills. Except for one psychologist, that is--this idiot told me he didn't know anything about it, but to told me to touch a dusty bookshelf, which wouldn't do anything, since the office was dirty to me, anyway, so I was already dirty. There are no professional CBT therapists near me. I rely on my boyfriend for transportation, since I can't ride with anyone else, and certainly not public transportation.

On top of that, until I find a med that gives me some control over the anxiety and stress of my OCD, CBT won't work for me. I am dirty in medical offices (among other buildings/places), so touching things to make me dirty won't change anything. But I'm not saying CBT could help with some things. As I said, I've done a little bit on my own, what I could, and while some things didn't work, some improvements were made.

My life is just ridiculously limited. And I have dreams of a particular career, lifestyle and life in general, and as I'm getting older, I'm also experiencing more physical problems, so I worry that will shorten my time for working and making money, which will make it less likely I'll ever own a home, have the things I want, form new relationships (romantic and otherwise), achieve my goals, etc. I'm really depressed so much of the time.

[KUREHA]

Did you manage to get in touch with your psychiatrist?

2 months apart is quite a while - I've only seen mine 3 times, but it was 2 weeks apart, got referred to someone else now though.

I hate reading things like that - just makes me realise how lucky I am to have an awesome psychologist. Could you ask your doctor if they know any psychologists that could help?

I'm doing CBT with my psychologist every week, I'm not really ready to do any exposure stuff to touch whatever, but she's really great and hopefully you could find someone like that, or your doctor might know.

Books might help some people, but it's really best to have a professional helping you along.

I really hope you manage to find someone that can help - since medication and CBT is the best combination.

I know it's hard .

Take Care

[Maven]

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. OCD limits my use of the computer.

Anyway, I left a message for my shrink on Tuesday, but still haven't received a callback. I called during his working hours, so I'm thinking maybe he's out this week, or for a couple days of it, at least.

I've seen a lot of psychologists in the area, but no one's ever recommended one for CBT. I haven't asked my current psychiatrist about psychologists, because I figured I get pretty much the same thing in a psychiatrist as a psychologist, only the psychiatrist can write prescriptions. From what I've read, a cognitive behavioral therapist is different from a general psychologist, and the closest ones I've found (online) are too far away. I will ask my shrink when I see him again (in April), which will be my third appointment. My boyfriend nor I think CBT will work for me right now, because I've got to get some of the thoughts--the GRIP of the OCD, more specifically--to reduce and let go before I can handle CBT, but it's still good to know if there are local CB therapists around.

Yeah, I've read many books on OCD and CBT, but it's hard to do it on your own, especially when there are so many setbacks.

Thanks again.

[KUREHA]

Ah right.

Hopefully you'll get a call back soon then

I was thinking instead of doing CBT - since you're going to find it hard, you could try just CT - so by just doing cognitive therapy, you won't have to do anything with touching things.
That's what I'm doing with my psychologist right now - she's really nice and she's taking it really slowly for me.

So maybe that would help - it's something you could ask your psychiatrist anyway.

It's hard with just books - I tried myself - but it just wasn't working. It was to much with my old psychologist - but my new psychologist isn't rushing anything.
I know it's hard though, but hopefully you can get your meds sorted and some CT and when you feel ready CBT should help

Take Care

[Maven]

I still haven't heard from my pdoc. I don't know if he does CT or not, but I'll ask. No doctor has ever mentioned it before, or if I asked about it, they weren't trained in it.

Tonight, some items I bought some time ago fell on the floor. It really has me stressed out, because I worry about some things I would rather not mention (because sometimes, saying or writing the thoughts makes them stronger) that I can't get out of my head, that come from these things falling on the floor. On top of it, I have to get rid of these items, because I can't touch them again. Normal people would just pick them back up and use them, but I can't, because they're dirty to me now. I have to buy new ones, and it's expensive. I'm extremely upset, more over the OCD than having to replace them with money I don't have.

I feel so damned alone because my OCD has such control over me, and I burden everyone and can't do anything. Everyone gets irritated with me, and often don't understand why I can't do this or that. It's so difficult to explain to someone (like a doctor) why I can't just do something that sounds so simple or would only take a minute or two. Most people can wipe a surface with one dustcloth or disinfectant wipe or whatever. Me, I need to be careful which direction I wipe, change cloths frequently just for one surface and item to be cleaned, wipe small surfaces and then get another wipe, and I'll go through more than a bottle of 75 wipes just for one thing to be cleaned. And I'll still have more wiping to do. It gets so tiresome, I hate the chemicals, and I just hate doing this crap, PERIOD!

Thanks again for your support. I'm just having a really hard time right now.

[KUREHA]

I hope you hear back from him soon.
Yeah I think CT might be the best thing.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now.
The cleaning must be hard to keep up with and having to buy new things sometimes.

I always worry when my CPN comes to my house - because of all the germ - even more when she comes with someone else, but I have 1 seat that I use and no one else.

I really do understand how hard things are for you, mine isn't as bad as yours, so I know how hard you must find it.

I really do hope you can find a therapist that helps and that you get the help you need.

Always here if you want to talk

Take Care

[Maven]

Thanks. I still haven't heard from him, but at this point, I'm waiting till my next appointment. I worry about all the chemicals from disinfectant wipes that I use, because I use so many.

It's very expensive, too. I don't just mean the wipes, but everything I have to replace over and over. I've told my shrink, and tried to tell how much pain I'm in and how exhausted mentally and physically I am, but he (nor ones in the past) seem to care. They just write more prescriptions. I realize that's the most they can do, but they could express some real sympathy.

[KUREHA]

Well I hope your next appointment goes well.
Sorry no one seems to listen - I know how that feels, I had that from my CPN this week.

I really hope you can find a good psychologist to help you, you should definitely ask your psychiatrist when you see him.

[Maven]

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to my posts.

[KUREHA]

No problem