[Reina-Rena]

I remember in my 8th grade year of middle school, my friend and I would pick on this girl (not to her face, but loud enough to where she could hear it). I REALLY regret doing this, I feel like such a horrible person knowing that I did this. I dont remember why we were picking on her...The reason doesnt matter because being mean is being mean period. I have matured since then and I realize that what I did was wrong...I just feel as though maybe I should apoligize to her? But I dont want to go up to her and say "Im sorry for picking on you in 8th grade..." and then she goes "What are you talking about?!" I dont want her to think Im crazy...What should I do? I know how it feels to be bullied and I also know how it feels to be a bully...Is this normal in growing up? I feel as though I need to be punished for what I have done.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Reina-Rena

I just feel as though maybe I should apoligize to her? But I dont want to go up to her and say "Im sorry for picking on you in 8th grade..." and then she goes "What are you talking about?!" I dont want her to think Im crazy

And:

I feel as though I need to be punished for what I have done.

Maybe you think a fit punishment for you would be... for her to think you were crazy, or to get you back in some other way.

I don't see that you have much to lose by apologizing. If you and she did succeed in clearing the air, you might find that you felt a lot better afterwards. At worst, maybe she would think you were crazy -- and you could then feel you'd done your best, and gotten it over with, and perhaps even been properly punished, and could get on with your life.

[Reina-Rena]

The only problem with apoligizing is that I am currently home-bound (kind of like home schooling). So there is no way I could apoligize...It was about 3 years ago, and I dont even remember why we were picking on her in the first place. We only did it a few times, and Im not even sure if she really even heard us. Im not using this as an excuse, I just want to confirm that I did not do it all the time. Should I just let it go and say it was a immature, childish act? Doesnt everyone do this atleast once in their life...No?

I don't know what this girl is like...but...as a person who was bullied throughout school in various manners including the ones mentioned about...I know that I would have loved to have gotten an apology. But the people...instead have moved like nothing ever happened and that hurts. It hurts that to them it was just a little footnote but to me it seems so significant that for most of my life I've felt completely unloved by everyone except family even when I managed to get enough social skills to make friends.

[Zen888]

http://www.oprah.com/article/relatio...e_bully_victim

I hope this helps!

[Reina-Rena]

I know it was wrong of me to do...I feel so horrible...I wish I could take it all back, even though I know I cant. I believe I was just doing it to impress my friend and to fit in with everyone...I know its horrible, but you do stupid things when your young...Has anyone else done this in their lifetime that is willing to talk about it?

I've also bullied other children too... it wasn't really to impress anyone, but what I learned from other kids was that if you were younger and smaller then someone to be submissive or else you'd be punished. So of course, when I saw kids I thought where weaker then me trying to act as equals, I wanted to put them in their place. It didn't last very long at all. Mostly because the first time I actually seriously gave this girl a couple of years younger then me lip she beat the ever loving crap out of me. (I guess I'm just a lover, not a fighter) when I was older and in school nobody would take me seriously no matter how bigger or how much older I was anyways because I was the default punching bag for everyone anyways. Other then that's I'd annoy my brother's friends...but that's pretty much normal, and another time I was being manipulative but hey I was a very young kid so it's not like I even understood what I was doing except I knew that if I walked through this kid's block tower then he'd stomp on my feet then I'd make some crocodile tears, say it was an accident and then he'd be taken away and everyone would be happy again. I'd also chase people around laughing but hell, that was their own fault for treating me like vermin and threatening to hit me if I ever made contact with them. Because it always came back to bite me I don't think any of the kids ever felt wronged because well...in the end they got their justice for a little bit I felt guilty that I could be bullied, know how hurtful it is, then turn around and do the exact same thing to someone else... but I've learned to forgive myself.

[susan888]

Originally Posted by Kaika

I've also bullied other children too... it wasn't really to impress anyone, but what I learned from other kids was that if you were younger and smaller then someone to be submissive or else you'd be punished. So of course, when I saw kids I thought where weaker then me trying to act as equals, I wanted to put them in their place. It didn't last very long at all. Mostly because the first time I actually seriously gave this girl a couple of years younger then me lip she beat the ever loving crap out of me. (I guess I'm just a lover, not a fighter) when I was older and in school nobody would take me seriously no matter how bigger or how much older I was anyways because I was the default punching bag for everyone anyways. Other then that's I'd annoy my brother's friends...but that's pretty much normal, and another time I was being manipulative but hey I was a very young kid so it's not like I even understood what I was doing except I knew that if I walked through this kid's block tower then he'd stomp on my feet then I'd make some crocodile tears, say it was an accident and then he'd be taken away and everyone would be happy again. I'd also chase people around laughing but hell, that was their own fault for treating me like vermin and threatening to hit me if I ever made contact with them. Because it always came back to bite me I don't think any of the kids ever felt wronged because well...in the end they got their justice for a little bit I felt guilty that I could be bullied, know how hurtful it is, then turn around and do the exact same thing to someone else... but I've learned to forgive myself.

You never know what some other kid is going through. My dad killed himself when I was in the 3rd grade and my brother died of leukemia 2 yrs later. When I went back to school in the 4th grade I had gained a lot of weight and I can't tell you how harrassed I was until the 10th grade. That does so much more damage to someone already dealing with home issues. My advise would be to apologize. I would absolutely welcome that from my childhood bullies!

[sabby]

This is a really good question and something to think about.

Peer pressure can be such a horrible thing on both sides of the equation....to the one bullied and even to the bullies themselves. As we are growing, we all make mistakes, none of us is perfect. You have learned from your mistake and that's a wonderful thing!

Let's see what you have to loose by apologizing to this girl. Hmmm...I can't think of anything!

Now, what can you gain by apologizing for your actions? Lot's of good stuff....

1. Taking responsibility for your actions
2. Admitting you made a mistake and trying to rectify it
3. Showing you truly do have compassion for others
4. Helping to relieve the guilt you feel by being mature and responsible
5. Possibility of making a new friend

Whether or not this girl truly ever heard you really doesn't matter. YOU know what you did and you now know it was wrong for whatever reason you did it. By apologizing to her you could start off by saying - "I don't know if you ever heard my words about you in the 8th grade, but I wasn't very nice to you and I would like to sincerely apologize for my behavior". I think that is a most generous way to speak your apology and it could truly open the door to some great communication and possibly a new friend You'll sleep better at night too

Of course it is always possible that she did hear you and she's not prepared to accept your apology. That's ok, it's up to her. At least you apologized and you won't have to have this incident eating at you for years to come.

Wishing you well!


sabby

[Elysium]

Reina...

I think the important things for you to observe are the facts that you recognize behavior that you aren't proud of, you recognize that your behavior could have had an impact on someone else, and you have empathy for that person and would like to rectify things. These are all very positive attributes in a person that show you are a caring person.

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone says something to somebody at some point in there lives that later on the wish they didn't say. It is, unfortunately, human nature to a degree. Do you need to be punished for it....I don't think so. I think you have learned something from this about yourself and you can now make a more conscious decision about how you do want to treat people from here on out. I think that's the most important thing.

I was bullied and tormented by EVERYONE at my school, and never received any apologies. This behavior from others has made it so difficult to trust others and has helped me to have a lower sense of self worth. It wasn't just one person's comment or action though, it was the multitude of kids that never realized, never knew, and truthfully, at the time, never cared. It would make my day if someone that used to bully me would account for their behaviors and offer an apology...but for me, I think it would also be bittersweet. My faith in mankind is damamged...I don't know how to fix it.

I think, if you would like to say a little something to her, she would probably appreciate it. Maybe you could write her a letter to just let her know that you recognize this behavior and that you are sorry. Whether she noticed it at the time or not, she will probably appreciate it...and you never know, you might get to talking and find you both have something in common...you could find a friend in this person.

Good luck to you, and take care...

[Miri]

I believe that writing a letter can be very healing. I wrote one of those letters just a couple of weeks ago, not for bullying, but i still hurt someone and for myself as much as her, needed to own it. i amiled the letter but didn't include my return address becaus ei didn't want to engage with her, just needed to let her know that i cared that i had hurt her. I feel better that I did so, perhaps you would too. If you can't or don't want to face her, just writing the letter and perhaps reading it to a therapist or best friend can be healing. i know that not everyone would share this belief, but i believe that when we send positive things out into the world, it has meaning.

[kameo1991]

I was never actually bullied in school (at least not like what ya'll speak of and I skipped the middle school years) So most people just tend to leave me alone. And still sometimes I think to myself.. did I forget to wash, brush my hair, is something on my face.. ect?? Because people like to just shoot glances at me and turn away.. while all along probably thinking I'm some little weird girl who draws on her shoes! (not that I care though and I do drawn on my shoes.. but I have certain pesky thoughts of why they do that)


Uhm.. maybe just start a normal conversation with her and if it happens to come up in the discussion, then apologize? I just wouldn't wanna be the first one to bring it up.. though.


But no.. the word bully and I don't even fit in the same sentence!

[Reina-Rena]

Thank you all for your wonderful help! I feel alot better now knowing good advice from wonderful people like yourselves. Although I am currently home-bound (home schooled) I think I will write a letter of apology to her and send it to the school. And if she doesnt remember, then atleast I did the right thing!

Thanks everyone!!

[sabby]

Way to go Reina! I'm proud of you for taking responsibility for your actions and doing your best to make amends.

You Rock!!


sabby

[Reina-Rena]

So Im thinking about writing an apology letter to anyone that I could have bullied...That way I wont miss anyone (just in case...>.< Sorry, Im OCD and I over-worry things!) Since Im currently home-schooled, I was wondering if maybe I could send the letter to school, and maybe they could announce it over the intercom? Does this sound like a good idea? Please and Thank you for your opinions!

[Ellen Ritter, PhD]

Reina,

If I can jump in -- while I think it's great that you're thinking of writing a letter to the girl, if it makes you feel better, I think the biggest lesson and growth from the experience is that you now know that what you did could have hurt this girl and that you regret it and won't be that kind of a person again. Who knows -- perhaps you can become an advocate against bullying, stepping in when you hear it being done, or perhaps being an advocate for kindness.

Sadly I think that this happens so much in schools, some times with dire consequences and other times, even those kids who are bullied seem to sluff it off, not let other's opinions change how they feel about themselves, which is ideal.

So don't beat yourself up for an action made when you were young and celebrate that you have learned from it and won't do it again.

[Reina-Rena]

Originally Posted by Ellen Ritter, PhD

So don't beat yourself up for an action made when you were young and celebrate that you have learned from it and won't do it again.

Thank you, Ellen Ritter, PhD!
Your right, bullying happens so much in schools...Its very sad. I think everyone has had an experience with being picked on by others, and its never fun. We all just need to learn from our mistakes and make our lives better by dealing with them! I feel alot better now knowing that I have learned from this experience and that I never want to take part in this type of action ever again.

[Reina-Rena]

I remember once long ago...(I was probley around 12 years old) I had just started Myspace. I remember talking to this guy, and I think he wanted to be more than just friends. I dont exactly remember how it all played out but, I remember when he showed me his picture I said a very rude comment as follows "Not what I expected..." The reason why I said this was because how he described himself was not how he looked. Im not saying that this is an excuse or anything...I told him I was sorry, but I dont believe he ever forgave me...I did all I could though, right? I feel so horrible about saying this...I gave him my apology so thats all I can do, right? This happened so long ago...4 years ago to be exact, but I still feel bad even after my apology...

[Elysium]

Reina...

You're human girl!! You can pick yourself apart for everything that you may have said that offended someone, but I think this could be going to an extreme.

If you want to write a letter or two to people, I think that's great. But the most important thing here is that you are more aware of how you communicate with others and more aware of the impact that words can have on the human psyche.

I think that you would make a great advocate for peace and friendship, and anti-bullying. Do something in these people's memory. Become a mentor to someone who maybe doesn't have a lot of friends to confide in.

And most importantly....forgive yourself. Like I said before, it is unfortunately human nature to a degree, to not think before we speak.

BTW....there is a slew of people on MySpace and other communities that will give you inaccurate info on themselves. Some may be doing this because they feel vulnerable or insecure, others may be doing it though for more mal-adaptive reasons. You really don't know who you're talking to on these sites...so just be cautious.

Take care...

[Reina-Rena]

Ok, so I talked to my mom about this 'Bully Issue.' I told her about my idea-Allowing my letter of apology to be read on the school intercom. She told me that it would be best to just forget about the mistakes that I made. She said that all kids act this way and that they probley don't even remember what you said. She also said that if I were to bring this up on the infront of everyone, some might not want to remember, or it might just make them feel worse to be remembered by the letter. So...What do you all think? Here is the letter that I wrote (It feels better to let it out in the open.)

Dear Students,

I would like to apologize to anyone whom I have bullied in my past years of school. I hope that you can find it in your hearts to forgive me. I sincerally apologize for any rude comments that I have said, and any rude actions that I have taken in the past. I wish you all love and happiness in your lives.

[Elysium]

Originally Posted by Reina-Rena

Ok, so I talked to my mom about this 'Bully Issue.' I told her about my idea-Allowing my letter of apology to be read on the school intercom. She told me that it would be best to just forget about the mistakes that I made. She said that all kids act this way and that they probley don't even remember what you said. She also said that if I were to bring this up on the infront of everyone, some might not want to remember, or it might just make them feel worse to be remembered by the letter. So...What do you all think? Here is the letter that I wrote (It feels better to let it out in the open.)

Dear Students,

I would like to apologize to anyone whom I have bullied in my past years of school. I hope that you can find it in your hearts to forgive me. I sincerally apologize for any rude comments that I have said, and any rude actions that I have taken in the past. I wish you all love and happiness in your lives.

I somewhat agree with your MOM on this. I think writing a letter to a couple people and giving it to them could be beneficial to them, but I don't think you should feel obligated to make a formal apology over the school PA. This could backfire on the people you are apologizing too, and may even backfire on you.

Another suggestion I had is to check out a website called "PostSecret.com" You can always make a card for them and send it in to post secret and allow yourself to let it go. I've actually done this with something that was really bothering me and it did help quite a bit. Even better, it is anonymous and doesn't cost anything.

Just another suggestion...

Take care.

[GrayNess]

I say to just forget about it. You made a mistake just like everyone else. It's not something horrible and chances are, apologizing to her would stir up the memories for her, you or both of you. You learned from your mistakes, the best is to move on. Presumably, she has done the same.

[Reina-Rena]

Thank you for the advice everyone! I think I will check out this PostSecret.com (Thanks Elysium3006 for the site!) Writing my problems down makes me feel alot better, so maybe I should start to keep a journal? I felt better just writing down the apology letter, without even giving it to anyone! I think it just makes me feel better to know that it is out in the open, and that I learned from the mistake.