Honesty over the internet.......

I struggle with the truth.......I am talking fundamental truth. Truth about myself, about the world, about where I fit in.

I am very honest when it comes to NOT lying but often struggle for the right words to express how I feel.....it is the only time that the English language fails me.

So when I do attempt to be honest here, when I cannot "feel" a persons reaction, I panic and withdraw. I have told things to people on here that I have not told anyone and I feel horribly exposed and I am not being paranoid, not this time. It is the nature of trust. I usually would not trust someone enough for at least 5 years before disclosing these things. I even struggle with my therapist.

I attempted this internet thing because it has always been my wish to be more trusting and take the risk. But now I question that......my information is public domain.......On the flip side, I have been given the honourable opportunity of meeting some amazing people on this website and I hope that what I have contributed has helped in some way and i would like to keep contributing.

But the amount that I disclose will be off limits from now on........it is too dangerous for me......technology makes me vulnerable. My past needs a soft pillow and longevity in order for it to be appreciated. I have moved on from it with leaps and bounds but it is too precious to be left to people who do not treasure my triumphs and failures as much as I do.......and how can anyone? No one owes me anything on here. It is a pseudo environment. I lack faith in this process.......

Sorry if I upset anyone, I am upset myself for reasons that are probably unfair........but I am upset nonetheless.

Cheers, Michah

Michah~

I understand and appreciate the fact that you have the need to protect yourself and I respecect that. I agree it is not paranoia, but a instinct to self-preservation. You have that right.

I just want you to know that I can't agree with you more on the fact that I, too, have met some wonderfully amazing people here as well, with you topping that list. Befriending you is seeing me through an extremely confusing period, and to be honest, you have offered me insight to myself simply from being who you are. You've had an indirect effect on me through my reading of your posts to others....(No, I'm not stalking you...LOL...hadta clarify that). It is your attitude, the way you perceive life and especially of yourself that has been an inspiration to me. You remind me of how I used to be long before I became lost in my present battle....(Almost forgot about that part of me...then you came along and reminded me, which I am deeply grateful for).

...Just wanted to tell you that...although I fully understand your need to withdrawl yourself some, that what you have offered of yourself is greatly appreciated and, for me, has redirected my path.

Shangrala

You have to take care of yourself. It's difficult to know who is trustworthy and who is not.

Over and over I've extended myself to ppl on the internet and always with mixed results.

I wish you good fortune in all your relationship endeavors--internet and and face to face.

Thank you, thank you sweetie. I am glad that my cynical nature has not rubbed off. There is a duality to me that often conflicts.......the cynical vs the
fundamentally accepting, the suspicious and the trusting. I also have to remind myself constantly that there are extreme physical forces at play with me at the moment which contribute to the vulnerability aspect in a huge way.

So, thank you. I am glad that I have provided some comfort and my inclusion here has not been a exercise in futility. In saying that, I have gained from my discussions with you......it has encouraged me to reflect on where I am at the moment.

And sweetie, I hope you know I was not referring to you in regards to this. This was a broad statement, based on personal experience, yes, but more a comment in general. The internet is a strange beast but I see people traverse it like a well travelled path. I wish I had the same confidence in it.

Hope you are well........speak soon......

Hello Michah. I truly understand how you feel regarding trust and relationship issues within the internet realm. Having a Mental Health issue sometimes makes us feel vulnerable to strangers, even if we are not talking to them face to face. It has been my understanding that most people who seek out Mental Health Forums or Websites that strictly deal with Mental Health issues are seeking support and understanding that they may be lacking in Real Life or with Friends or family members. Since Trust has generally a major concern for most people with Mental health concerns, it is easier to err on the side of not sharing too much on the internet in order to preserve yourself and well being, since that is generally what most people do in real life. It is hard at first to trust people in an internet realm that care for you, when the judgement and distance is not involved and getting support just being yourself is hard to accept when that has not generally been the case in real life. Time can change a lot of problems with trust, but the main concept of being here at Psych Central is just share what you are comfortable with sharing, so you dont have to feel so threatened until you are more used to what you can say to whom, and are more familiar with the members of Psych Central. Take care. Michah. Pm anytime. Soidhonia.

Hi Sky dancer, thanks for replying. Yes, I see what you mean. My survival rests a lot on how a person "feels" when I shake their hand or touch their elbow upon meeting. I am appaling at reading facial expression. I often get it wrong so touch is my only way of being sure. My intitial feelings are rarely wrong but I usually give people the benefit of the doubt. I am not a social creature by nature and i am very content with that. However, society dictates that I should at least make an effort.......so this was my effort.

It does not mean that I do not love, I do with overwhelming ferocity sometimes and i am extremely loyal. But this level of commitment is earned. I do not give it freely. And this is based on trust......over a LONG peroid of time. I went too far out of my comfort zone.

But this is an interesting lesson.......I must apply how I treat people in real life to people on here. Not fall into a false sense of security because the "intimacy" is removed by a screen and keyboard.

Thank you.....

I understand your points Michah (I've been looking forward to chatting w/ You!) and agree w/ you. For me, I need to set boundaries. Perhaps this could be helpful to you also.

Your posts have been excellent & helped many, many ppl.
Hope to see you im BPD Chat tonight at 7PM (est)!

Peace & happiness,
Holmes

Thanks Holmes you are a champion as always.......Thats the thing. I am VERY good at setting boundaries now, but sometimes they are tinted with mistrust especially if I feel manipulated, and that has NOT happened on here. That is in real life. I have a VERY sensitive hypervigilance switch. I usually temper it with logic but am short of tolerance at the moment due to physical illness. Many factors at play in my personal life.

As for your wonderful chat, thanks so much for inviting me but I must humbly decline. I am terrible at typing, get overwhelmed by the flow of many conversations and it always sounds "loud". I am sure I will get over it eventually but I am a wuss when it comes to groups!!

Thanks for your support.......

No worries, Michah. Like I've mentioned before...I don't scare easily..lol.
Of course I know you weren't directing toward me and that you were generalizing. I agree about the Internet and support your concerns.

We all can use an acknowledgement of appreciation. I figured this was an ideal opportunity for me to provide you one.

All is well....Yes, we'll talk soon.

Shangrala

When there is nothing of me that I would not freely give,,then and only then can I be free.

Shame and Truth are a tepid cocktail....it is always my Pride that hides what must be exposed...

I know your concern Michah...it can be hard to be naked among those clothed...but if freedom is what you seek...then it is not even a matter of Trust,,but of letting go...

IMHO.

Lenny

Lenny!!! I have missed you! As always your words ring resonant bells and fill me with gratitude and often bring me to tears.....Thank you....