What is this?? (possible trigger)

EDIT: Sorry for posting this here. I'm not sure if it's depression so I opted to post it under "General". Please feel free to relocate this post if necessary.

Here I go posting again with my "issues" and feeling guilty about it and yet I know that this is what the forum is for. I'm so screwed up right now. Please forgive me.

Anyway, there are a lot of psychiatric problems on both sides of my family. A lot of us (including me) have been in psychiatric hospitals numerous times over the years (but not recently). There's a lot of depression, OCD, Anxiety and Hypochondria in my family and I've watched my disfunctional family suffer greatly over time.

Having given a bit of history here, I feel like my depression (if that's what it is) has gotten much worse over the last 4-5 months. I used to enjoy life when I was much younger - in stark contrast to how my life is now. I wake up in the mornings feeling so gloomy and just roll over and go back to sleep rather than face the day. It's the kind of thick, syrupy, gloomy feeling you might have if your whole family was murdered, your dog died, you lost your job and your kids ran away. You just feel like life is'nt worth living anymore. You just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

In addition to sleeping in very late, I just feel like a limp rag doll. It's as if all the zest for life...all the energy and motivation has been zapped out of me and I am just a hollow shell of what I used to be. Even when someone tries to strike up a conversation with me, instead of really "getting into it", I find myself just saying "yeah" or "oh, I see" a lot instead of engaging them.

A few other things and I hope noone will mind me saying this but I used to have sex regularly and now I've lost all interest in the last few months. I do it like maybe once a week now (instead of every day or every other day) but even then, I'm not really even in the mood. I find myself constantly complaining, dragging others down and being bitter and very negative. I hate the way I have become and I hate my sad, pathetic life.

I see people all around me, on TV, etc and am always very jealous of them. They have beautiful homes, lots of children (I've never had children), big farms, horses, cows, nice cars and I wonder where I "went wrong" in life. I feel like a failure and like I am too old to turn things around now - especially the way things are in this day and age. All of this makes me even more depressed.

The other "condition" I suffer from is scrupulosity. I always think that God is punishing me. For example, I could eat a can of corn and if I bumped my head on something 10 minutes later, I would see that as punishment from God for eating the corn and would never eat corn again. Usually however, it's something a little more serious than just eating corn (like sexual sins or unclean thoughts, etc). Over the years I have deprived myself of a LOT because of this condition and so my life has very few creature comforts anymore and I live my life in what amounts to a religeous "straightjacket".

People say that depression is caused by a "chemical imbalance" in the brain (ie; seratonin, dopamine, etc) but if your life just plain sucks, is it really a "chemical" thing?. I don't know. My depression (again, if that's what it is) get's to the point where I almost feel sick/ill and yet I don't have a temperature - I just feel totally gloomy and hopeless.

What's wrong with me and is this most likely depression or something else?. Anyone here relate to any of this?. A lot of people in my family have suffered from depression but I never thought it could be THIS bad )-:

- Thanks again for listening!!

the "people" on TV are setting me patternd and its a danger to be interactive. A helmet cant help what you see or protect your mind from infection of thoughts from the virtual ones and real ones on TV. I dont know if this is helpfull or explained it ok. Sorryi cant say more ai havent figured it all out yet but im getting close.

People say that depression is be caused by a "chemical imbalance" in the brain (ie; seratonin, dopamine, etc) but if your life just plain sucks, is it really a "chemical" thing?. I don't know. My depression (again, if that's what it is) get's to the point where I almost feel sick/ill and yet I don't have a temperature - I just feel totally gloomy and hopeless.

I vote with depression causing your feeling sick/ill most of the time.....you don't have to have a temperature..feeling totally gloomy and hopeless comes from your depression....do you take meds? or see a therapist? forgive me if you've answered this before. senility...if you don't do either, please see someone soon....xoxo pat

Gosh GG, I can totally relate to what you're going through. My natural disposition is to be optimistic, hopeful, offering myself in any way to help others provided it doesn't hurt me, humorous, friendly, caring, etc...
But these last couple of weeks have been nothing but morbid, morose, pesimistic and damning. I've lost interest in everything. I can't carry a conversation to save my life...it just takes too much energy and energy I do not have! I'm thinking all kinds of nasty thoughts...toward myself and toward others. Everything, my body, my mind, my spirit...feels like it's molasses moving uphill in winter time. My whole life is blanketed by a cloud of despair.

All that being said, I can say with absolute certainty that it is caused entirely by depression. An evil invader of my happy self, a "chemical imbalance". I'm bipolar, this particular cycle is weighing more heavily on the depression side of the scale. I missed out on the euphoria, the epiphany's, the expansiveness of mania. Boy do I feel screwed. If I'm gonna be this far down, I should at least have gotten to be that far up.

Sorry, I got side-tracked there, my point is this. Because I know it's the depression talking in all of the horrible feelings, perspectives and views about myself and my life...I don't have to take it so seriously. Yes, my world gets a whole lot smaller when I'm depressed, but that's precisely where I need to be. And I believe the same to be true for you. The other thought I cling to is that I know eventually this will place, it always does. So what do I have to do in the here and now to prevent a massive "clean-up" effort after the fact. I avoid life changing decisions, I avoid intimate relationships (because I will only screw it up and ruin everything), I don't spend money except on what is absolutely necessary, I don't do drugs or alcohol (it only makes it worse) and I create a soft cushiony place for me to hibernate until I'm ready to come out again. But go for walks as best you can, get fresh air and sunlight. Exercise if you can at all muster the strength or the will to do so. I forced myself to do it this morning...I lasted 10 measley minutes, but I feel better about myself for having tried.

I feel for you buddy, I really do. I know exactly what you're feeling and perhaps it can be some small comfort for you to know that you're not alone. To hell with those tv people and their perfect lives, their probably just as miserable anyway. Money and cars and kids and spouses don't ensure "happiness". Do whatever you have to do to be good with yourself until the depression lifts. No one can better know that than you.
TgrsPurr.

I get like that too sometimes. It's horrible. It sounds like real bad depression. Are you keeping up with your meds? Seeing a T? What about your family? Can they help at all?

I don't know how old you are, and I'm in the same situation - not attached, no kids, and my biological clock is ticking. I do get jealous and envious, especially of my brother and his family, who seems to have things so easy. Then I'd feel bad for feeling that. Some people are so lucky, and, well, there are people who are not.

Religion does come into play too. I've wondered what I've done wrong. Why He doesn't love me. Am I really 'bad' like the little 'devil' (hence my avator)?

You're not alone in this. Many people have felt like you at some point.

If it's any consolation, you have us, and we have you who is a wonderful person. We have this site, we have each other. You can PM me anytime.

Taking meds and going for therapy can help make you feel better.

Please take care. (((((((((((((GG)))))))))))))))))

You are so right. I am sick of seeing these "perfect" people with thier perfect little lives on TV. Ok, I guess I'm just jealous because I never "made it" in life or whatever.

So, I'm sitting there on my 1950's pea-green sofa eating a cheese sandwitch (without the cheese) wondering if I'll be able to pay the rent next month when suddenly there's this "lovely" couple on TV bragging about thier thoroughbred race-horses and how many millions of dollars they took in last year.

Then, the camera goes indoors and suddenly I get to see thier "modern" 22-room home with all of the creature comforts a spoiled preppy could ever want (I'm talking teak floors, central vaccume, cathedral ceilings, indoor pool, etc). It's almost like they are rubbing it in my face like "hey loser...look what I have and you don't!!".

Then this couple are hugging and groping all over each other like they are so totally blessed and God's gift to man/woman kind and it's all about them and thier happiness, how much money they made, etc. Next, the camera goes out to thier sprawling acreage, private pond, air-conditioned barn and thier 20 or so horses, a perfect little vegetable garden, 4 car garage (complete with 2 SUV's and a BMW), etc.

I don't know how many people actually live this way but they never seem to show "real" people on TV (you know, Billy-Bob Bojangles sitting on his rickety porch guzzling a bottle of moonshine with his tick-infested coon dog sitting beside him). I guess it just would'nt look "good" on TV or something.

Anyway, I see this kind of stuff and it just makes me long for that kind of life. Heck, I'd settle for a slightly-used mobile on 5 acres with a boney old horse. It's not MY fault that I was born with these problems (not that I'm saying it's society's fault either). It's just the way things "are" and the genetic hand I was dealt I guess. TV sure does'nt make it any easier though.

Sorry, just ranting a little bit

you should never be concerned about posting your problems here......can't you see by now how loved you are here and how concerned everyone is for you?.......from everything that you say, i think you have a very severe case of depression and should definitely have a good talk with your T (have you started at a new clinic yet?)......and also re- evaluate your meds........and just out of curiosity.....may i ask your age?......you know.....when i read a post like this from you....it makes me cry to know you are going through so much....you seem like such a sweet man.....but do you realize what a talent you have for writing????..you can make me cry...and then make me laugh out loud just by your clever use of words.......i pray that somehow you find some peace of mind.....much love and concern....julia

Thank you Butterfly and that's just what you are too...an angel...a beautiful butterfly:-). I don't mind giving my age out at all. I am male/42/Florida. Well, I do get very self-conscious about the number of threads I start -vs- the number of threads with other people needing help I respond too. Sometimes I don't respond because I honestly just don't know what to say and other times I am so "out of it", I could'nt respond even if I wanted to. Still, I have actually tried to help other people as best I can both in the forum and in the chat. Maybe it's just my OCD or something but I feel like the number of threads I start has to equal the number of threads I respond to or noone may want to help me anymore before too long. Sounds weird I know.

I can relate totally to how your feeling. I think your post belongs anywhere you want to put it.
At one of the worst points in my depression, I remember laying in bed (as I did for weeks at a time) and watching TV. I would see the people laughing and carrying on and I would get so jealous, mad and even more depressed. I thought to myself, I would give anything to feel happy again, even if it was only for a moment. I felt horrible. Still do sometimes. I also have OCD. I think this enhances my depression and anxiety in may ways. I obsess and have intrusive thoughts which pull me even lower into my depression. Sometimes, I even forget how it feels to truely be "happy". Sometimes, I think it doesnt really exsist. But I know it does, because I have been there once. I dunno what to tell you GreyGoose. I have been where you are and I totally can relate to everything you describe. I know the pain and agony it causes and I am sorry.

As far as responding to other people to try an help. I get that too. You have responded to my posts and have helped me so I would like to Thank You.
Take good care of yourself Grey.

Luv,

Jen

im aware of being percieved as if some sort of viral infection or intrusive patternand have requested erasure so as to protect all from the speading of this alarming process or dis ease. I shall retreat to my own devices and developments.
No harm intended this is not a forum for developing thoughts on this order. Pardon my self-revelation which may be construed as exhibition such as a circus.

thanks for being so sweet....and as a fellow ocder.....i completely understand having to have the equal amt of threads to replies...lol...........