What IS Family?

I was raised in a large brood (10 kids...same parents). You can imagine the variety of personalities as well the differences of personal issues.

Each of us going through our own personal trials n tribulations of life's lessons...some greater than others, some of us going through more hardships than the other siblings.

Now, all of us in our late 40's and well into our senior 50's, with some of us still experiencing the stuggles that a hard life presents, while others are living extremely well without financial concerns to inhibit any of their daily plans. (Those who are financially stable have married into the money).

Life has a way of throwing us some sudden curves that are sometimes without forewarning, leaving us in dire straits....putting us into a position that is not only extremely humiliating but even moreso difficult to sometimes humble onself to (yet are forced to due to no other means as a way out).

I am divorcing. Moving away from hubs. Presently, hiding my moving out from hubs, (prevention of unnecessary complications), though making all the necessary preparations for this move for myself and daughter.
My access to the finances of my marriage have been hindered...in fact, so extremely limited that the only way of obtaining access to them is through the divorce and inclusion of said monies to be divided. Something I had hoped to avoid completely as I sought only for dismissal of marriage without all the red tape involved...which would require months of court appearances...forcing my remaining here in the area, which I cannot afford by anymeans (I am moving out of state).

So, I regretfully turn for the help of my family....suspecting my response..but really having no choice as I have no one else to turn to.

I can assure you, this is someting which I find ultimately humiliating as I am an adult, halfway through my lifetime...and needing help from family.

To me, family love is unconditional. It is something that exceeds judgements passed and grudges held. I have made and carried my own regarding certain members in my early years, but over time have come to terms with many true values which family upholds, thus overcoming any former barriers I may have carried, (some for which are undeniably justified, yet have forgiven, non the less).

My time to ask for help. I am denied. And although I sorta suspected I would be denied, the fact that it actually did happen broke my heart. Maybe, I was hoping that with age, they too have discovered true value in family love. Apparently not.
The members with the financial security are, of course, the first to turn their backs, claiming that they cannot "spare" a couple thousand dollars, (to them, $2K is like a mere $2 dollars to me. Youngest sister has close to million, (earned through her divorce of her short marriage), and oldest brother has well into a few million (through his real estate business, but primarily earned from the death of his wife's parents...leaving her their inheritance).

My "poorer" siblings are just as financially in staits as I am and I wouldn't dream of seeking assistance through them. Ironically, however, the one who cannot afford to help me does what he can to be of help. Unfortunately, it is no where near enough, so I deny his offer of financial generosity and suggest assistance of helping to move once (if) that time comes.

What IS family, anyway?
I have all these people in mine, and yet...their sense of family value is non-existant. I don't understand it, really. All these years, I've been there for any of them ...moving, support (financially or emotionally...whatever), yet....in my unforeseen time of need....I seem to be out of luck.

I do KNOW one thing...IF my sister called me, and told me what I had spent well over an hour explaining to her about my situation (especially involving my daughter), I would NOT have told her,
"let me think about it, and I'll get back to you"....
Then retun a voice message to me stating,
"well, I've thought about it and unfortunately, I cannot "spare" that kind of money (2K) at this time as I know I'll never see it again. I know you understand and if you needta talk, call me"
Needless to say, I called her alright. Left her a voice message as now she isn't accepting call...informing her that I wasn't asking for a hand-out, but a LOAN, which would be repaid as soon as I got on feet again.

Bummer.
The humiliation to ask was difficult enough, but facing the fact that money means more to them that what is really there to be had is simply a hurtful reality.

And you know.....despite the fact that this has temporarily traumatized me, I know that I'd still be there for any of them if they ever needed me...WITHOUT expectations of repayment. THAT is family!!

Shangrala

((((shangrala))))
It's the family issues that seem to hurt the most.
I don't know what to say . Try not to think too much about it.
The question is not what is family? The question is why do
they do the things they do? Take Care of Yourself

(((((((((((((((( Shangrala )))))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry that you are going through this difficult time, sending you some hugs.
Try not to take this situation to personal maybe your sister has reasons that she really can't loan you the money right now.

It's been my experience that the people that seem the most unable to help are the ones that help the most. Perhaps that's why the rest are able to keep their money because they are unwilling to help.

On the divorce issue I would highly suggest discussing this with a lawyer. I don't know how old your daughter is, but if she's a minor and you leave the state without her father's permission there can be serious consequences including you losing custody.

I know this all too well. Im young, only 27. I supported myself from 16 up until I was about 24. and then I got really sick. I was on alot of drugs(illegal), my fam still doesnt know and wont ever know if i can help it. But i was still supporting myself working 6 days a week. And then I OD'd on ecstacy, and it started a domino effect of triggering all of my mental health issues, which are many. Still, i struggled to support myself or at least go on welfare, rather than ask for money. I did get money from my mom one or two times. It was out of desperation as I was behind on rent, and she gave it.. but she has held it against me ever since and brings up that i am using her every time we get in an argument. It honestly wasnt worth the money she gave me to have this grief. My other aunt has told her "thats what you do for your kids, when they need help you give it" but apparently my mom and fam doesnt beleive this.

And then i got pregnant. Rather than stay with my abusive ex i chose to move home. And when i had him, two months later i got extremely sick with fibromyalgia and hip and back problems. I have been disabled ever since.

I have problems keeping up with housework. I had a suicidal episode, where I was manic and didnt sleep for a few days. I did NOT attempt. I took myself to the hospital and gave my son to my cousin for a week until i was stable.

Now heres the kicker - rather than come in and help with housework, or with baby, half my family is trying to tell me to GIVE HIM UP for adoption or put him in foster care because I am sick. And that BOILS my blood. I am disabled, but i am not disabled to a point where I cannot care for my one year old. Yet they would rather see him in care than help me with the things i struggle with. It would be so easy for one of them to come in once or twice a week to help, yet they are "busy" and, my mom, likes to say"57 years old and gets tired from all the "work" she does - she means chores, and she is FINE, physically anyways.

I thnk theres something grossly wrong with that. If it were me i would do anything in my power to help a relative keep their child. I would NEVER suggest giving him up or giving up on raising him. Thats WRONG in my eyes.

I am so sorry you go through this too. I wish you the very best.

I was in trouble once and wrote to my parents asking for help. No reply, so I called. I was told I wasn't worth the postage to write back to. Since then, my father has helped me a few times, but I have never forgotten or forgiven those words.

I understand and I am so sorry for your situation.

Mary Alice

I appreciate you expressing your concern. I have that all handled already. Although he is the biological father, he isn't on birth certificate. Besides, he simply is not the kind of father who'd persue that as it would prove too inconvenient for him.
Daughter is 13, btw.

I can't afford an attorney, let alone bearly afford to get outta here when iI had originally hoped..that was my point of borrowing the money.

And, sis had her reasons....simply unwilling to help...simple as that. She has almost a million in bank, (a couple thousand to her would not be missed long), and has an established career in the dental feild. No children of her own.
Greed has a way of making even the ones we love most some of the ugliest of people at times. And she has reminded me of that harsh reality.

Shangrala

I'm glad that you've got yourself covered. I understand what you're saying about your family not helping. I think we all know people like that.

You stick to your guns, (as I'm certain you will). Bravo for you! I admire your love and dedications to yourself and to your son.
I'm sorry that you must endure such harsh realities, as well.

My mom behaved much like yours, too. When I was 26 and discovered that I was pregnant and estatic about the pregnancy, (boyfriend and I had been living together for years prior and happy, though marriage wasn't a thought...we were happy as it was).

I approach my parents with the good news. My dad was happy for us. My mom was....emotionless. Her first response to me was, "Nothing you do surprises me, anymore". Wow! What a thing to say...completely took me by surprise.
She then finished the blow by saying, "I have paid my dues and have no intentions of raising anymore children, let alone getting stuck babysitting grandchildren".
I cried forever after...or, so it seemed.

I made it a point to never ask my mom for support, especially regarding my son. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of supplying her with anymore ammunition which she could use against me in any way. I didn't deny her time with my son. She had that so long as I was present.
And yet, she managed to manipulate further by later telling me that she would have been happy to help me out by babysitting while I was working...blah blah. Whatever, mom.
It was almost as though she was punishing me for her own inner demons. And, sure..it hurt....which at that time, I really didn't understand her anger, so I carried a sense of responsibility for that for much of my younger years.
Now, I'm much older, far more wise...And although I now understand her anger and no longer carry any sense of responsibility for it, I still feel the loss for it. That will never subside. I miss the maternal bonding that we never did share.
There is a positive to that, however. What I missed most from that with my mom I provide in abundance to my own daughter.
There is always a gain to every loss. And once beyond the pain of its initial harshness, I'm relentless to seek it in every given situation.

And, I cannot agree with you more regarding helping a family member in a crisis, especially involving a child. There really IS something wrong with the fact that of family members turning their backs on you in a time of need, ESPECIALLY when children are included.
I'm right there with you! I, too, would offer assistance in any possible way I could...WITHOUT expectations of repayment in ANY means.
One deed earns that of another. And time manages that balance for us.

My best to you Rain. My thoughts are with you and your son.

Shangrala

I meant to address that in my earlier reply...
I believe that holds true because, we who have the least (materialistically), are not blinded by that false sense of value, therefore, we are more capable to see clearly that of which truly sustains us. Our gain. Our reward to treasure.
Greed, in any person, distorts the true value of life. Their loss. Their burden to carry.

It is my firm belief that, "The less you have, the more you are".
It is unfortunate, however, that our society focuses the emphasises of the materialistic gain as the measure of true success, therefore forcing us to deal with maintaining a portion of that in order to survive.
We HAVE TO conform to the expectations of our society in order to get by, whether or not we want to, (our only option is to become homeless if we don't want to conform, and even that has a severe price of burden). However, homelessness does have a valuable lesson in itself (been there, done that once in my lifetime), and I am grateful for that experience. It has humbled me beyond what I ever thought even possible.
Perhaps, that is a path which, all who have been blinded by greed, need to walk for themselves.

I'm seeking to simplify my life. Moving to a dink of a town up north-eastern Nevada where life is simple and far less materialistic. If I could, I'd find me a lil dwelling somewhere in the middle of nowhere and recluse self back to nature..but even that requires money to start off with. (Besides, I don't think my dot would be all too thrilled with the thought of being removed from society at present...lol.not that I would, or could, anyway). That's a choice only she can make for herself once the opportunity presents itself to her.

Shangrala

((((Shangrala))))) (((Rainbowzz))

I just want to hug you all together, cry together, laugh together, be MYSELF with you guys...be friends in the truest sense of the word..

I relate soo much to your story....my mother was abusive, my father would not help me, they just kicked me to the curb..

..I had been fired from close to seventy jobs, all for small, strange reasons such as "There is just some thing different about you"

No help from my millionaire father, just the food stamps thing..

Everyone told me to 'just go on disability..' stop trying to attempt to work..

I didn't. I started waitressing at a little family run diner, and BLOSSOMED...everyone started to believe in me, the me I always was, but human resource people could not see..

Then I went to nursing school, my Dad being a doctor, was pleased and began helping me financially.

Although I decided nursing was not for me, I started keeping jobs such as substitute teaching, after school care, for years.

Now I am getting my master's in education to be a regular teacher!

As far as my abusive mother, I met with her and grilled her for all the verbal abuse, to the point SHE was scared instead of ME always being terrified, always hearing that voice that I am nothing and will never be anything according to my Mom.

She had done a lot of financial damage, told disablity when I got it that I was 'too mental' to handle my own money, she became my 'payee' (worst system in the world) and proceeded to put my utilities in my name (They were in dad's name) (he had no problem with that) proceeded to hike the rent to my dad $200, that left me $10 a month from the disability..

when i called her starving she said not to call her.

well I confronted both of them last night & the utilities are going back in my dad's name (yeah!! I can eat more than just ramen noodles for a while!!)

the rent is going back down, too..

the private psychiatrist that my dad always paid for (mom forced me to pay for him)

is now getting picked up by my dad once more

all by being assertive.....a quality I never had...until I realized it got you far..

I asserted my way from being fired the last 2 times they tried to fire me for 'swiveling in my chair" ( it was a swivel chair what are you supposed to do)

Family is US here at psychcentral, we are seen for who we are HERE

I feel your beauty, rainbowzz & shangrala we all 3 have such inner beauty

and certain assholes just do not see it or can comprehend it..

May our beauty live on & on...in friendships, those we MAKE family...