I don't know where to post this, so...-Long Post-

Today. Was. Hell..Worse..

My mom has been taking methadone for about 10 years (why so long? I'm not sure..), for her addiction of heroin (the addiction ended about when she started). Well it just so happens that she decides to quit because her clinic won't detox her, apparently since she's a cash client (some are with healthcare), so why would they want to lose someone who is paying them? She also was having trouble with her bill, so that wasn't any help. She WANTED to go back, but had no money to do so. Well, she decided to quit. Cold Turkey..this was last weekend.

And today we ALL had a breakdown.

She claimed she would go pawn computer (that I'm on atm) and get the money to go back to her clinic. I'm really afraid for my mom..if she left I wouldn't want anything to happen to her. She *in my eyes* seems vulnerable for anything to happen. So? I sat a chair in front of the door and told her she either stays home or I go with her.

My grandad told her if she leaves she can't come back. He tried getting me out the chair & yelled (he's a big strong dude) so I got scared and jumped out, and he said he was going to move his truck for her to leave. It seemed as if she was going to go. I screamed.

I screamed like a TERROR scream, like those murdered-girl screams? Yeah. I said "Noo..." In a scream. I didn't want her to leave.

My grandad said they (as in me and my sister) could cry and yell all night but you can't come back. I began crying. HARD.

I screamed again. A few times actually. My mom saw me crying and just smacked her lips and went to her room. I sat on the kitchen floor for about 5-10 minutes crying.

I'm so mad..I've been happy about myself, friends, school, and everything.
I've been TRYING to help my mom..making her food (which, she doesn't eat much feeling the way she does) doing anything I can to help...and she keeps saying how she needs pain pills or she wants to go to the hospitol or how it hurts just SO BAD.

I understand she's in pain..and I sympathize her for that..but this was just..a breaking point..I can't take it.

I feel that if she leaves to get some sort of money, she'll be choosing it over me and my sister, which I know seems selfish, but because my grandad's serious, she WONT come back.

Just..you all send some good/positive vibes or prayers my way..please..

Have a good night.

HUGS FOR YOU SWEETY HUGS!!!

Hang in there....this could get even more rough...but ultimately, you can not be responsible for being your mom's mom. You have to let her make her own decisions....even if they have horrible consequences for her. Right now...all she is seeing/feeling is the pain and the only thing that she knows that will make it better...for the short term is the drugs. The thing is, like now, at some point...the drugs always run out. I'd like to see your mom get with a therapist if she has one, or get one if she doesn't and learn some healthier coping skills. I bet you'd like to see that too?

The hard truth is....you and your siblings and your granddad can WANT it all you want...but if your mom doesn't want it and won't change her behaviors....all the screaming and the sobbing isn't going to change anything. The reality is....your mom may leave. She may choose the drugs over her relationships with her children and father. It's horrible that she is stuck in this place of selfishness with her pain and her problems...but this is where she is.

Be prepared.....She could leave, and to be honest....if your granddad is smart, he won't let her come back until she is working her program and choosing healthier coping skills. It is more detrimental to you and your siblings to have your mom around....coming and going for her pills/drugs and selling off stuff and fighting. You deserve a peaceful household and if mom can't do that for you now...then maybe it's best if she work her program solo for a while.

The good news is....you will be okay!!! You will be devastated yes, but you have a granddad who is setting some good boundaries for his household who sounds like he cares, and you have a roof over your head and food in your stomach.

Basically....you can't keep your mom from leaving. If she really wants to leave, she'll do it. Whether your blocking the door or not.

You are supposed to be a child....and your mother is supposed to be your mother. Not the other way around.

Take care sweety....and keep posting to let us know how things are if you like.

Thank you for that post..
Last night I was scared. My mom wasn't acting right, so I called my dad. She was just a little bit idk, unstable. She was really weak and a little bit slurry. My grandad offered to take her to the hospital but she managed to say no. I know in a hospital she'd be safe, but if she does go I'm gonna be REALLY messed up..we're really close, and seeing her in a hospital bed would tear me apart.

Well, my dad knows alot about this stuff. He said she's gonna be a little disoriented and shakey, but it also was at 2:00 am (I had trouble sleeping, so I went to check on her at this time with nothing to do), and she just really scared me. He said her being tired and probably taking something to help the pain is gonna make her seem a little bit scary.

I'm really worried. I don't know what to do. I want her to go to the hospital, but I'm gonna miss her too much. If she does go to a hospital, it'll just be me, my sister, and my grandad. Whenever my mom has been sick or unable to do something, *I've* always taken over, not him. That worries me too.

If she goes to a hospital in the next few days..I'm just gonna fall into a depression. She's always been there to help me, just with everyday things..and even though she hasn't been able to lately..having her all the way out of the house will really hurt. I'd be afraid every night that something will happen..either in the house or out in a hospital.

You do sound really scared!!

I can tell you that I have my own personal understanding of what you are coping with right now.

I am 33....and I still deal with these types of emotions in regards to my mother.

As a child....my mother and I were VERY close....almost like we were one person. If something happened to her....it was like it happened to me, and vice versa. Therefor, I was constantly trying to fight and win her battles for her....because she wouldn't fight for one reason or another. It was a very unhealthy relationship at the time.

Sweety, do you understand what co-dependent means? If you don't....google co-dependency and do some reading about it. I think it would provide you with some valuable insight that could at least help you understand a little more in depth about what you are experiencing with your mom.

You are a good person....and very smart for checking on your Mom. But hon....you should not have to check on your mom at 2am to see that she's okay!! Do you see how the child/parent roles have been reversed. Instead of Mom nurturing and caring for you...and being the parent....you are nurturing her and being the parent. And then....if Mom is away....you are in the position to parent your sister. This is not healthy or fair for you...or your sister. You both have the right to be children.

It sounds like you and your sister have had to grow up pretty fast. Could you talk with your Granddad and see if he could help you both to find a counselor to talk with. I think this would be very helpful for you. Not because your crazy, or because your messed up....but because you are having to take on so much at such a young age....and they could assist you in understanding and coming out of this a healthier person.

Right now....you are doing what children will do in bad situations. Trying to make up for what the adults aren't giving.

You mentioned your Dad. Would there be an opportunity for you and your sister to stay with him for a while. Would that be a healthier environment for you both...or is he not a safe person?

Just hang on sweety....and know that I am here and I support you....K!!

I am sorry you are scared. I hope things get better. Keep letting it out and talking it through in the long run it will help you.