Why do some people get stuck in their problems?

How does one become the person who cannot help themselves?

Why do some people seem unable to fix their problems...and just get stuck repeating the same problem over and over again?

I think that they have learned some dysfunctional mechanism which keeps them in the loop. We are all products of our environment (which interact with our basic personalities). What is needed is an examination, with a deep understanding, of what is going on and some problem solving. Each person is unique with their situation. And of course one needs compassion and understanding from others along the way...........

Find me the answer to that and I will be very grateful .

For many years I was convinced if I thought hard enough and tried hard enough I could get better. It was only after I accepted the fact that I needed help did some semblance of sanity return to my existence. It took more years before I began to function at a level I could live with. Refusing to change and fear of getting out of my comfort zone were the primary impediments. Knowing what works is one thing; the challenge is always the doing.

You know, that's a good question, and one that I don't think can have any one specific answer. Like Sannah had mentioned, everyone is unique, making the problem and solution equally unique.
Byz also has a good point, fear of removal from the comfy zone can be a common reason for many.

It would seem that since we grow accustom to what is familiar to us, we have a tendency to accept that as how it's supposed to be, despite the fact that we sense or even are fully aware that how we behave isn't healthy for us.

Acknowledging that there might be a problem is the first step. The hard part is applying change to our OWN behavior. Some can do with without seeking assistance, while many may not have that ability and need to seek help.

Alot has to do with the surroundings, (and occurrences) during our upbringing. That is what develops our structure for adulthood. For me, because I was a part of such a huge family, we seldom received much individual direction, although it was not abusive, it was still a structure that lacked much individualized attention, which I perfectly understand now. I'm aware of it, yet breaking the cycle that is a result of it is the hard part.
It takes constant attendance and self-forgiveness, until a new pattern of thought can be applied to a newly constructed behavior pattern...for me, anyway.

....Something like that, I think....lol.

Shangrala

We get stuck because on one side is a raging fire and on the other side is quicksand. I choose neither.

sometimesit would just be nice to sit and watch ...but we wouldnt grow emotionally and mentally so f have figured out where the backwards road is have only 1 choice and that is to try and move forward despite all the set backs put in my way ... or die trying which will happen to us all whether we try or not.
we only move forward when we get so uncomfortable where we are now....
imho

How does one fix diabetes or kidney failure?

My point is this: there are those of us who were dealt a specific hand genetically. And there may be more of us than we know of simply because of the things that medical science has not yet discovered. Thirty years ago, when I was first diagnosed with "major depression", I was told that I would have to take antidepressants for approximately six months, go to therapy for six to twelve months and then I would begin to feel better and would be well. I was treated at the world-reknowned Menninger Clinic in Topeka, Kansas where all the wealthy celebrities went to kick their alcohol and drug habits back then.

Twelve months later, I wasn't better. Two years later, I was back in the hospital and my diagnosis was changed to "major depression, recurrent". They told me I'd have to take different antidepressants until they found one that worked better than what I had been taking the first time. This time they gave me a trial of Lithium as well. Made no difference. So, they found an antidepressant that worked and sent me off for more therapy and this time I was so drugged up, I had to give up my job and I divorced my husband and lived in subsidized housing for the mentally ill and was on food stamps. Hard to believe? Perhaps the cure was worse than the illness. But that's all they knew back then. I also had IBS and was on phenobarbitol. What a cocktail! What had I done wrong? They said I would be better. Why was it not working that way?

I actually don't remember all the details of how everything progressed from that point on but what I'm trying to say is, it took until 2004 before someone re-read my 4 inch thick medical file close enough to determine that I had a pattern that closely resembled Bipolar II. And it wasn't a pdoc. It was a very smart nurse practitioner.

You see, back in the beginning, if you did not display clear mania or psychotic symptoms, you were not considered a candidate for a bipolar diagnosis. As the years passed, modern medicine decided that those old diagnostic criteria were outdated.

Therefore, saying that someone is stuck in their problems can also have to do with simply following what their trusted doctor is instructing them to do which may actually only be what medical science knows at any given time.

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Now to address what you are really asking.

I was a child of alcoholic parents. I was extremely angry and self-critical. I had poor self-esteem. I had no self-love. I absolutely KNEW I was so ugly, no one would ever want to be romantically involved with me.

This is what I felt about myself when I was 20 years old and left my parents home. Deep inside, I knew that all of this was wrong. But the deep, emotional pain I suffered from growing up in their home was NOT going to stop me from fixing these things. I was NOT going to live the rest of my life feeling that way. I was NOT going to hide. I wanted a life. But I knew that the only person who was going to make all of these things change was ME. I was scared to death. I was scared of failing. But I knew I would fail if I didn't try.

So I bought books. Self-help books. Most of them I still have and they are so old the pages are brown and fall out when I open them. But I read them and read them again. I did what they said. I wrote affirmations. I didn't know they were affirmations. They didn't call them affirmations back then. But I wrote things to say out loud to myself so I could learn to believe different things about myself. I remember repeating them over and over when I walked to university. I would sing them in step with my footsteps.

Some things got better right away. Some things took years. Some things I'm still working on. But, yes, it does take getting out of your comfort zone. It does take courage. But mostly it takes a burning desire to not hurt anymore.

It can also be as simple as maybe no one has ever said to them, "I believe in you."

I can talk a good race...explain away so much...decypher behavior...rationalize...and on and on and on but it all comes back to the core of your statement: why am I stuck while others move forward.

If you discover the cure will you share it with me????

~ Melanie

You know, I was having this conversation sortof with my psychiatrist today. Moaning about how I *know* better being stuck in the same problems as before. And yet, here I am back again.

I think I've learned a lot more since the last time I tried to fix this specific problem. So I know it's less likely to bring me down to the same level emotionally, and I'll hopefully spend less time trying to deal with it this time around.

It's the old saying of "Two steps forward, one step back" or getting back up after we've fallen down - you can always try, try again!

I can't really help myself. I know rationally what I should be doing to fix my problems. Emotionally though, it's a different story. And then there's the "putting the lessons into practice" and constantly correcting my behaviour or thoughts or whatever when I'm falling back into old patterns.

Old patterns of behaviour are addictive, being stuck in a rut because it's a lot more familiar than a new path is a pretty normal experience for one to have. I'm scared to change, but I'm scared of NOT changing too.

It's hard.

Christina86
Absolutely correct.

I believe and Im certain its probably true that the reasons for people being stuck in a spincycle of whatever mental illness is due to repetition. Like Christina said and many others about having the courage to move on but also that its 1 million percent personal.

Some people are afraid to move away from what they have known for many years, some find the effects overwhelming they just give in and some even try too hard to break out of it and find themselves doubting.

I suffer the last personally, from a family where praise was never given and a thumbs up was something you remember from being 4. I have to admit my parents werent exactly ideal, but neither was our (me and my brothers) lifestyles away from them.
My youngest brother is now emotionally and socially Autistic even though he only had a one year gap in learning due to deafness.

My parents did what most would and cotton wooled him treat him like an autistic person before he was, my next youngest brother is like me but seems more stable he has trouble socialising but seems the best of the three of us. I as the eldest have had feelings of depression, anxiety, emotion supression and a responsibility for everything that has happened in our families life. As children we were always promised we could go to social clubs but never actually allowed and living rural didn't help. The divorce of the parents left myself and the 2nd oldest to deal with a mother who was trying to reclaim her youth at the negligence of our youngest brother. Our dad we can visit but none of us feel we can rely on him, he helps out financially but hes not really emotionally there. The only family member all three of us like is our Aunt but she has her own health issues (ME) so its not fair to go to her for help.

I know exactly what is wrong with me, have an inkling there are some other issues but still can't break out of the rut because I overthink it.

Its hard to know what is wrong, its harder still to admit its wrong and the hardest of all is changing it.

I've tried various things to change from daily planning to minute assessing every action, none of them have worked fully but everyone will find their way of sorting themselves out so I wish everyone who needs it, the best will in helping you through it all.

Christina:

Quote:

It's hard.

My very last issue has to do with the PTSD I suffered from the mistreatment from my mother. I'm not going to describe it because I don't want to have to *trigger* this post and also everyone knows my parents were both alcoholic, too.

I truly believe that too often, the psychiatrc community downplays the effect that being raised by abusive parents (including emotional neglect and verbal abuse).

The last demon, and by far the worst, that I am fighting is the one that haunts me as a result of these factors. My current husband has told me for years that I won't let him get close to me. I denied it over and over. Finally, one day, I realized he was absolutely right. There were things, important things, that a woman should be able to share with her husband and I didn't have the courage or trust to do that. So I gathered up as much courage as I could and started talking to him. Some of it stunned him. He kept saying, I can't believe you never told me that. I said, it never occurred to me to tell you. The truth is, it never occurred to me to tell ANYONE. I have been that way all my life because from the age of three, my mother taught me I couldn't trust her, the woman who I was supposed to be able to trust, because she hated me enough to do what she did.

I am still fighting and learning to beat this problem. I don't want it anymore. I'm almost 60. I'm really tired. But if this is what God put me here to learn, then I'm not going to fail.

I refuse to get stuck in this problem.