It feels good to feel good!!!!!

Over the last few weeks, I have been encouraged by my horse riding trainer to participate in several horse shows....one for fun, & one that requires a lot of dressage training to pass the test requirements.

This takes sooooo much concentration in order to become one with my horse in order to make the slightest touch tell him what he is supposed to do. I am finding that with the amount of concentration it takes, there is no room for the other junk that has been floating around inside my mind. Not that it is gone....I know that I have been stuffing because the dreams & other things are still there when I am not thinking about my riding. However most of the time, I am running the riding thoughts, techniques, & tests through my mind....kinda like practicing without the horse.

The first show was yesterday, & I guess all the time & practice I have put in paid off because I took 2 first places. One in English equitation where my technique was being judged, & one in English pleasure where my horse & I had to look like we were having fun & we were. It is such a wonderful feeling to become one with your horse, like floating through the air, or being on a rocking horse. I feel so good everyday I go out & ride (almost every day).

Physically, I am barely able to have enough energy to do this, & when I do, I end up having a hard time getting rehydrated & my weight drops by bunches. Even though I end up back not feeling very well physically, the mental freedom is sooooo worth it.

I have found that when I feel good, I continue wanting to feel good...it is kinda like riding my horse...the more I practice, the better I get at it...maybe feeling good is the same way. I know I still have a bunch of stuff inside that needs taken care of, but having a sense of freedom along with that allows me to take a break from the other things I am dealing with. It seems like it is a part of healing too by being able to let yourself enjoy those things around you & not dwelling on the junk.

Seems to be working when I can end up taking first place in the class above my trainer. Of course, she had a disadvantage in that she was riding the horses she has been training & the babies are really a hand full...but she can usually make anything look easy so I still feel good about being recognized for all the energy I have been putting into my riding.

I think this concept can be applied to other things than riding....When we find other things that we enjoy in life, then we don't have to dwell on just those things that bother us.

Debbie

Your right. Feeling good does feel good.

Wonderful story, and I so agree, positive pursuits and success help our mood immensely. Congrats on your 2 first places!

I went back and re-read this great post again, very inspiring. I'm thinking on how so much of healing has to do with accepting that things ain't necessarily fair, that we do have choices in what we focus on, and that the more we build a habit......the more we have that habit.

In my research of various ideas on anxiety and depersonalization, a theme keeps emerging, that of -focus outward-. Doesn't mean that we always do that, to me, means to develop that skill as something good for our self care tool kit.

I could study on a bad feeling, pin it under a microscope, call everyone over to look at it, keep it lit up nice and bright 24/7 so everyone knows.....or I can move through it as I am able, out the other side, and continue on with my life. Researching and learning is all good, focus within can be good, but I gotta also practice something else. Practice and experience interacting with something/someone other than me. Open up that proverbial window and let some air in.

I see more and more that there truly is a time and place for most anything, our lives move in a rhythm. There is a time and a place for me to do the deep solitary study, the working things through with a good therapist.......then there are also the times and places to just enjoy. Weed a garden. Take a walk. Read a fun light-hearted book. Sing. Participate in the world.

Just realized that when I first read your post, my automatic thought was something like "How cool she is feeling good! Horses, oh I could never do that, some folks do find activities to be passionate about, but not me." As if I am less than anyone else. Phoeey! I can get into horses too if I wanna, dagnabit! The whole world awaits me, and the truth is, I am passionate about my passions.

Feeling good feels grand! To have that blessing of relief from whatever symptom, to feel our bodies loosen up, to feel a smile curve cause we cannot help but to smile, to have our minds and bodies and souls all caught up in an activity, yay for all of us! We've not only survived, we insist on thriving.

Sarah

Sarah,

I am glad you were able to get what you did from this post. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your response. Your words explain it all so perfectly. I was hoping that others would be able to experience the feeling of freedom that come from not dwelling on our problems & allowing ourselves to feel good by focusing our thoughts on something other than the issues that are hurting us. I realize how much I needed a break from the problems that are bothering me. They can own my nightmeres, my times of panic attacks & depersonalization, but if I can just get a break from it during the time I have control over, then I will be able to at least have a time that I can feel good. I have found the more I feel good even with my horses, the more other things I am open to that help me feel good (not just my horses).

As people, we are able to have bad & good habits. It is all in what we want to practice doing & feeling that determines which will be in control of our lives. I understand your concept of keeping the problem or situation lit 24/7. I realize I was doing that quite well. I thought if the police were able to catch the RN, I would need to remember everything that happened. I don't want others to have the same experience. If I can warn people about what happened, maybe others won't go through a similar trauma. I was in the same hospital as my Mother. I was with her 24/7 for 3 weeks while she was dying. They put me into the same ward as she was in when I collapsed from exhaustion, anemia & mal nutrition....the visions were there...how could I forget. I keep having to go back to her house to clear it out in order to sell it...the visions of of the trauma, those 5 days, flood back into my senses everytime I step into the house...how can I forget.....I hate it when I feel like what happened to me is being trivialized. It wasn't just the ID theft, credit card theft, or the stealing of all the jewelry. I was afraid for my life...I mean, what might the RN do in order to protect herself . She OD'ed my Mother on Morphine, what might she do against me so I couldn't talk. She already followed me once...what else could she do. But I realize now that these things are there....they are part of me, but I don't have to dwell on them 24/7. They are going to haunt me at times, but I am entitled to feel free & good at other times. I guess this is what my Pdoc meant when he said that I found my way out of depression the last time without meds or therapy, I would have to do it for myself this time too.

I found it fascinating that in a book I read after posting this, it supported the point I was trying to make with this post. The important thing to remember is that focusing & struggling with our problems make them worse. By dwelling on them we feed them & give them energy. When we choose to find something other than our problems to focus on & the more we do that, the stronger our ability becomes to reconnect us to what can be good in our lives. It is impossible to eliminate problems from our lives, & it does not mean that we do not need professional help to learn how to handle them in the context of our lives, but it is what we do with them that makes the difference. The more we can place our attention onto something, anything, that makes us feel better, the better we will become at being the master rather than the victim of our problems.

I am still enjoying the ability to feel good mentally even though my physical self pays a price for it. It is a wonderful feeling that I have allowed myself to feel between the bad times. It doesn't make the bad go away....it just allows me not to feel that way all the time. It is amazing that the more I feel good, the more I want to feel good & try to find other things that will add to that good feeling. It doesn't come overnight, & it doesn't have to be a passion that we throw ourselves into....it can be any little thing that makes us smile or chuckle.

I love your last sentence....it sums it all up perfectly.

Thank you for your awsome input,
Debbie

Eskie, I'm glad that training with your horse so much has enabled you to feel better and let you feel liberated... that's great. Congrats on the two first places as well. I hope you have the same success in your future shows .

There are very good points to posting our feelings as we realize them. It is like journaling that allows input from other sourses for later reviewing. I was having a really hard time last week, feeling very uncomfortable with the situations I found myself in that put me back into the trauma feelings, thoughts that I had gone through. The uncomfortable feelings came flooding back. Major anxiety attacks, uncontrollable anger outbursts, & the horrible sensations that depersonalization causes just wouldn't stop. The me I really don't want to be took over control.

For days even my horses couldn't provide relief & I just couldn't concentrate on anything positive. I think however that my deep desire to NOT continue feeling that way finally won at least a little & am now able to again escape, at times, into the good things & feel relief again. It's a scarry feeling, wondering if you are getting trapped back into the horrible feelings that had control, but realizing that there really is the relief of feeling good even though the bad can show up at times makes the feeling good feel so much better.

Topping this all off, I had to take my computer in for service at the beginning of last week because I thought it was knocking me off the internet & causing my phone line to stop its connection, causing there to be no dial tone for hours which turned into days. The computer checked out & the phone checked out & then the dial tone quit again. It took not having my computer for a week & the phone company fixing a short after a week of trouble shooting the problem, to find that the cause was a short in our home phone line. That helped me decide on going with cable internet at this point. Guess that is taking a bad situation & making something good out of it & looking forward to working with a faster internet connection.

I think the motto of making something good out of something bad is a great way to look at things....what is that saying?....when you are given lemons, make lemonade.

Debbie

Hi eskie and everyone,

As someone who tries to 'post positive' even when it's hard, I am totally with you. Thanks for such a positive thread, I'm going to read it all again.

Positive thoughts, Myzen