[DfendrOfEmilysHeart]

How do you help a Downs Syndrome girl?

I have known this girl for nearly three years now and she's improved a lot from what I can see, but yesterday she was blaming my other friends for stealing a ring from her boyfriend's finger. He was trying to tell her it had fallen off and he'd lost it, but she kept saying they'd taken it, so in the end he gave up and agreed with her. Is this all you can do?

And what about when she gets tired and starts crying randomly? A while ago, she had jet lag and knocked her coke over, nearly destroying my camera. She ran out of the food court crying. I tried going after her but she told me to leave her alone, so I went back to help clean the table up. She did come back after a while, but was I right to let her go? Would she have back quicker if I'd followed her?

What should I do if this happens again?

[Junerain]

How do you know this girl? When you say 'help' do you mean for her to be a better person? For you to be her friend? The things you describe don't show that needs help too badly, perhaps it's the tone she comes across with.

[DfendrOfEmilysHeart]

I mean I used to lose my temper a lot and even now I can feel myself getting ready to start shouting.

[Junerain]

Take a deep breath when you want to shout, count to ten. Remember she is a person, too....

[DfendrOfEmilysHeart]

I know and I don't wanna shout at her but she gets so annoying But when she starts crying I feel so bad and try to help Then she'll annoy me all over again.

[NuckingFutz]

Um, tread lightly with a ds child. Think fast and you can stop a tantrum before it happens. Think outside the box. My split second reaction would to have been to knock over my own drink when she wasn't looking and said "oh look, it can happen to anyone" throw a few laughs. This unorthodox approach takes the focus off what she did and turns it into a harmless situation. Is having to clean up a mess and chase down a ds child easier than sharing a mistake and having a laugh about it all while keeping her with you. Having her out of sight even for a few seconds is not safe. There are all kinds of monsters out there especially in the mall. Good luck to you!

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Um, tread lightly with a ds child. Think fast and you can stop a tantrum before it happens. Think outside the box. My split second reaction would to have been to knock over my own drink when she wasn't looking and said "oh look, it can happen to anyone" throw a few laughs. This unorthodox approach takes the focus off what she did and turns it into a harmless situation. Is having to clean up a mess and chase down a ds child easier than sharing a mistake and having a laugh about it all while keeping her with you. Having her out of sight even for a few seconds is not safe. There are all kinds of monsters out there especially in the mall. Good luck to you!

Excellent post ((NuckingFutz)). I agree use diversion and trying not to react emotionally. Remember she doesn't process the same as you do so try not to take what she does personally.

[DfendrOfEmilysHeart]

Thankfully, this wasn't in town and she was perfectly safe. Running away wasn't a problem this time but those ideas are good thanks. I was wondering more how I could stop her being so stubborn when she gets thoughts in her head, like she did when her boyfriend lost his ring. What can I say to make her see that things aren't always what she thinks they are? Also, how can I stop her being so bossy and controlling? Or help her understand what other people are saying to her? She doesn't seem to understand anything, she even gets confused when two poeple have the same name and tends to say she doesn't know one of them when she spent a year in their class. Or she says she doesn't know/doesn't remember some things when they confuse her. How can I teach her to ask what the other person means instead of killing the conversation?

[NuckingFutz]

How familiar are you with down syndrom children? A lot of what you discribed as having trouble with is just slowing down with her. Sometimes they can only process one thing at a time (i.e. get confused when asked more than one question at a time). They are acutely aware of and pick up on other's moods with surprising accuracy. So if she says she thinks you mad and you say you are not when you actually are, she will know, she will not trust. They are also aware of their lack of fine motor skills so knocking over the drink is common, it's all in how you handle your reaction. If you would like, I can put together a short fact sheet that may help you work with her. Would that help?

[DfendrOfEmilysHeart]

That would be great Nucking Thank you

[NuckingFutz]

Okay, I'll put something together that will help you make sense of her behavior. One thing so that I don't reinvent the wheel, how much do you know about down's syndrom?

[DfendrOfEmilysHeart]

Not a lot Practically nothing

Research, research, and more research.

It may be beneficial if you have a therapist in your life right now to ask your therapist - i bet they could provide lots of much-needed information.

IME with down syndrome children or adults, the most important thing to remember is much the same for children who are autistic - their brains do not process social things the same as we do. For the most part downs syndrome people seem to be EXTREMELY sensitive and emotional beings - they feel things intensely...and they don't always have the ability to process that in the correct way.

Keep in mind like nucking said that they lack motor skills- so anything valuable should probably be kept out of the way - just something to keep in mind, its noones fault that your camera happened to be there, but for future try and keep those things far away.

You may want to try agreeing to do some activity you know she likes - if she enjoys coloring, spend some time just hanging and coloring. Positive reinforcement works MUCH better with DS people - rather than getting angry, in fact, getting angry although it must be shown so they know you are a real person, is often taken much more harshly than it is intended - why she ran away because she probably didnt know how to process.

The most important thing to try and be is compassionate. Imagine if YOU yourself were that person - and you couldnt figure out why your friend was so angry. Imagine you didnt have the social skills to figure it out. It would probably be pretty embarassing and shameful. Also other people in her life may be treating her poorly and thats a shame too.

[DfendrOfEmilysHeart]

She really wants to be my friend dispite the many times I have shouted and got mad at her, she comes up to me and hugs me. She says strange things sometimes like she loves me and wants to marry me or have me be her sister. And she kisses me on the cheek, it's really embarrassing.

[NuckingFutz]

DOWN'S SYNDROME FACT SHEET

Down's Syndrome is caused by an extra or 21st chromosome. Down's Syndrome develops during the gestation period (during formation of the sex cells) not because she's stupid or her mommy beats her. In other words, she comes into the world like that. This Syndrome is blameless. It is not caused by her or other's poor behavior toward her. The more you understand and the better you treat her, the better her behavior will be, this goes for education as well. Usually these children benefit greatly from additional educational support and extra parental caregiver support. There are groups out there to improve partenting and understanding the DS child. These groups are designed to teach people about DS to improve parenting, knowledge and skills. This Syndrome is in fact, considered a mental disability (I've got one of those and I'm damn proud of it). Most of these people were institutionalized up until the 20th century because mental health was shall we say, lacking...(that goes for most of here on this board as well...we would be in asylums instead of sitting in front of our keyboards). As far as physical issues, DS children suffer from congental heart defects, recurrant ear infections, sleep apnea and thyroid dysfunctions (these are not fun things to have and not understand so they will be quite cranky). You of course are familiar with the unique facial features...they are very well aware that people can see they are different (this is not fun for them either because they don't like being treated like a freak anymore than we would). Their cognitive imparements benefit from a slowed down calm environment. As a matter of fact, loud, angry and fast paced environments are really tough for them. But they are like puppies...beat 'em and they'll tell you they love you and give you a big hug (I wouldn't recommend this because I hate people who mistreat others in any circumstance (unless I'm wearing my uniform carrying and gun and the enemy is right there). DISCLAIMER: PLEASE EXCUSE MY PERSONAL COMMENTS AS I AM MANIC TODAY AND I AM DOING THE BEST THAT I CAN. As far as emotions they can feel like love, well, love is love...due to their cognitive disability, they cannot distinguish romantic love from parental love to friendship love. If she embarrasses you in front of your friends, tough! I would see you as someone caring to be a friend of a DS child. Have to go...library time is up. Hope this helps.

You are making a difference in her life, Bry.

[NuckingFutz]

Yeah, what he said. We seem, as emotionally disabled to have more empathy in our little finger than non-disabled folks...a gift as it were. Or maybe a trade off for our various "illnesses". DISCLAIMER: I AM MANIC TODAY. Well, good luck with your friend. Gonna go toilet paper the inside of my house now (helps with the mania because it feels so distructive but it is not).

[VickiesPath]

Hi WarmSeptemberSun,

I had shared with NuchingFutz that I lived next door to a Downs boy who was my age for years and years when I was growing up and he was simply one of the family. But that was 40 years ago. What I do remember is, he felt so many emotions and felt them full tilt. Love was love, but had no "type". He hugged a lot. Lots of cheek kisses. We would say "Hug time!" He loved to laugh and play jokes. But we had to make him understand when enough was enough. He was in school but the schools back then weren't real good. His family up and moved to Texas when he was in his teens so he could go to a better school. He loved being included. He loved forming relationships. He wanted friends. If you could engage him in an activity, he was in heaven. My dad used to bring home vegetables that people on his rural mail route would give to him and this boy would help me shuck the corn and do other things to prepare the vegetables. But you have to remember that their hand coordination is not as good as normal. One thing this girl will probably want to do is to think of herself as close to normal as possible to going shopping and trying on clothes might be fun. Don't be embarassed if she kisses you. Who the hell cares?

I hope that the info you have received here helps.

[NuckingFutz]

Hope my fact sheet helped. I was wondering why you did not want other people to think you were a lesbian. Is this a bad thing to have people think about you?

[DfendrOfEmilysHeart]

Yes it did Nucking Thank you

[radio_flyer]

NuckingFutz

[VickiesPath]

What if she were your sister, would it make you feel like a lesbian then if she kissed you?

[NuckingFutz]

I see you are viewing user profile. Perhaps a kind friend of mine suggested you have a look at mine? I am not offended. I am sad and crying. Please try a little more tact. I really worked hard on the fact sheet and thought we could be friends. I am going to find a healthy way of dealing with this. Good luck and God bless.

[DfendrOfEmilysHeart]

No, but she isn't

[NuckingFutz]

Oh, on the fact sheet my source on the medical info was from wikipedia.