[flora_poste]

I'm just... exhausted. Emotionally, physically. I feel like my soul has been sucked out of me and I'm just left an empty shell. I'm mourning the loss of the hope of ever being with the 1st person I ever truly loved. I'm going through weed withdrawal (been perpetually stoned for a year), still recovering from bronchitis, my eyes are killing me (chronic condition that weed was helping), I can't eat a full meal despite being hungry and I literally feel such a huge weight on my chest that it physically hurts... I'd give anything to have it lifted so I could at least feel comfortable breathing.

I just want to sleep. If I could get away with it, I'd just sleep for a week straight. Work is so daunting. I mean, all I really have to do is log into a website and wait for my phone to ring... but the idea of having to force myself to be perky and enthusiastic makes me want to hurl. My mind and my body just feel... weak and wilted.

I spent so long loving him, believing we were tailor made for each other. He's one of the best friends I've had and has literally been the 1st man to really be IN my life. I love him still, and unconditionally. I grew to know and love him like family. It's so hard to let go of the fantasy, it's been such a huge part of my life, I feel such a loss without it.

I know this isn't the end of the world, I still see a future, I still have plans... it's been a wake up call, I know he can't give me what I want and need... but still, I feel so empty.

[FeelingHopeful]

Aww, flora poste, i feel so bad. I hope things get easier for you. I wish there was something i could say or do to make it easier for you!

[flora_poste]

thanks, it's sweet of you to say regardless. Sadly, only time can heal my wounds.

[mumma]

Heartbreak hurts. There is no bandaid. As with any loss, you must give yourself time to grieve. I will not give you the "buck up, little camper" speech. I will suggest that you don't allow yourself too much time in bed or alone.

Being with friends doesn't always help. No one can truly understand another's pain. You might try to strike up a conversation with a stranger and share a little of your story. Often I find great advice unexpected comfort in encountersd such as I have described.

[sewsweetie28]

All I can say i this too shall pass. Loosing the person yo ulove is never easy and no matter what anyone says it is not going to be ok for a while. I can sympathize with you, i have gone through this myself after being with my first love for 4 years and having my heart broken again and again. But with thime you will come to see that you are better off and this happened this way for a reason. As for being stomned for a year and comming off of that I can't really help you there but to say stick with what you are doing and to get professional help for you eye prolbem so as not to depend on illegal substances.
Hang in there wiht work, because if you loose your job too, then you will have no reason to get out of bed in the morning, at least your job keeps you connected with reality and hello, making money so you can survive. He took your heart don't let him take everything form you.
You are probally so tired because you are depressed. You need to get out and take a walk get some fresh air and some sun, or at least some excercise if it's too cold outside (don't know where u live).
All I'm saying is take it day by day and momemt bby moment if yo uhave to, you are doing the right ing, you are getting up everymorning and you will survive this and be stronger for it!

Originally Posted by flora_poste

I'm just... exhausted. Emotionally, physically. I feel like my soul has been sucked out of me and I'm just left an empty shell. I'm mourning the loss of the hope of ever being with the 1st person I ever truly loved. I'm going through weed withdrawal (been perpetually stoned for a year), still recovering from bronchitis, my eyes are killing me (chronic condition that weed was helping), I can't eat a full meal despite being hungry and I literally feel such a huge weight on my chest that it physically hurts... I'd give anything to have it lifted so I could at least feel comfortable breathing.

I just want to sleep. If I could get away with it, I'd just sleep for a week straight. Work is so daunting. I mean, all I really have to do is log into a website and wait for my phone to ring... but the idea of having to force myself to be perky and enthusiastic makes me want to hurl. My mind and my body just feel... weak and wilted.

I spent so long loving him, believing we were tailor made for each other. He's one of the best friends I've had and has literally been the 1st man to really be IN my life. I love him still, and unconditionally. I grew to know and love him like family. It's so hard to let go of the fantasy, it's been such a huge part of my life, I feel such a loss without it.

I know this isn't the end of the world, I still see a future, I still have plans... it's been a wake up call, I know he can't give me what I want and need... but still, I feel so empty.

[flora_poste]

Thanks for the thought and the advice!
I'm doing ok considering, I spent the past year in turmoil over him, so now it's almost relieving to have some resolution and closure. I'm surprised I haven't taken it worse. I'm trying to keep productive, mainly focusing on my art (I did a painting this morning). If nothing else, he's been an amazing muse.
I'm completely self employed, so losing my job isn't an issue. Unfortunately, losing clientele is. I risk losing that if I'm not my usual charming perky self. And either way I lose money.
As for the eye thing, I can't really afford insurance or the bills, so I'm stuck for now. And there really isn't much that can be done about it other than a surgery I've already had and physical therapy which they say isn't very effective in adults. Docs would want to give me an opiate for the pain and I'm allergic to those... so yeah. =/
Luckily I live with one of my best friends and we have company often. We have our friend from CT coming in on thursday and staying with us, as well as a few girlfriends from around the boroughs and L.I. for a sleepover party sorta thing. So I have that to look forward to. I could use the positive female bonding.

[flora_poste]

This is that painting, btw (I'm rather proud of it =] ):

Mental illness is exhausting. Do you exercise, eat right and get enough sleep?

[flora_poste]

It sure is!!!! You are certainly right, there.
I do work out when I'm well enough (as if you couldn't tell, I've a few health issues), as far as that goes I'm in the best shape since I was in grammar school! I eat moderately healthy, though I have a weakness for overindulgence here and there. Lately I've had absolutely no appetite despite being hungry, so I've been mostly on liquids. That's probably the main reason I'm tired right there.

[sewsweetie28]

Awsome painting, how therapeutic! Thank you for sharing that with us!

[flora_poste]

Thank you!!! That means a lot. I have my blog linked on my profile if you care to see more. =]

[Junerain]

I understand about needing female bonding, I need that too!!

[flora_poste]

we all do sometimes. =]

[amante]

The painting is great, such a talent and gift. Throw yourself into your work and take the time to grieve over this person. Time does heal. I can promise you that. Are you in T. I hope so,.

[flora_poste]

That's what I've been doing! And thank you so much.

I just got a big box in the mail from pearl paint... it's from an order that I didn't think went through (their site and service is the most craptastic ever!)... I'm trying to see it as a blessing rather than an annoyance.

I'm not in therapy, was on and off as a teen, but that's about it. Planning on it once I have benefits. I've done my best to be my own therapist through the years.