[jen29]

Hi everyone,
A little background from the last few months first...I was put into the hospital, actually put myself there when i knew my meds were not working again...I was there for 3 weeks and had to go back in because the med was not working and had to be increased.
Anyways, now that am out I feel like I am so different. I am so not the same Jen that went in or was before, and maybe that's a good thing...I don't know.
Now that am out things have changed. I am/was more direct with what I was saying to people, like really telling them how it was/is. Now that I have thought about how I have reacted to people I tell myself to shut-up and stuff things again.
I got into a heated discussion with my dad the other day, I did call it a fight, but now that have thought about it I feel differently. Anyways he thinks I get everything I want. I probably have been overreacting to the whole situation, and at the time it didn't bother me. But I asked him if he was still mad at me and he said no he just needed to get it out. That day he showed his anger, and I don't recall ever seeing his anger or anger like that. I know a lot of things were going on for him at that time.
Anyways, have been thinking, and I know am not making any sense right now, but just need to get this out, and am sorry. I feel like I should just be quiet about what is "really" going on in my thoughts and life. It's not like things are as bad as they were, so that is good. But things are going down the hill again. I don't know, I am already saying I shouldn't post this, it's no big deal and it's just me over thinking and overreacting to the situations.
I feel bad that am complaining when there are people out there that are really suffering and need something that I wish i could give them.
Am sorry, am going to stop now...thanks for listening.
Hugs,
jen
and am sorry that this makes absolutly no sense at all.

[NuckingFutz]

Yeah, it makes sense. You are trying to figure out where you are at right now and feel like you are over analizing emotional situations. It is good to post in situations like this because you get all kinds of feedback from different perspectives. Maybe journaling might help clarify things? Keep posting.

(((((((( jen ))))))))

[englishteacher]

Jen,

Just because others are suffering, it doesn't make your pain less, does it?

Your dad may really be angry at himself - for not being able to "fix" things for you. Anger is hard to process...it's so hard for me to take anger and not immediately accept all the blame for any and every thing. It's harder when you find yourself going back downhill.

Hang in there and don't beat yourself up.

[shezbut]

(((jen)))

I agree with the others.

I can understand what you've said. I can understand your perspective somewhat. But, please don't beat yourself up for questioning things. As a parent, I can say that I am always kicking myself over what I do/don't allow (or say). That is a universal trait of all parents.

Not to excuse your father's words or behavior (in any way)... I can become pretty overwhelmed by my emotions at times & words that shouldn't ever be spoken come out of my mouth in a frenzy. Emotions don't equal reality. They are not facts. I do love my girls very much and don't ever want to hurt them.

I'm not saying that your father is as unhealthy as I. Just consider the possibilty of your father being emotionally overwhelmed. Fear and sadness that his daughter felt so depressed that she (you) were in need of big help. Depressed that he couldn't be the one to make you feel better (like he did when you were younger). On the outside, the anger is a lot easier (and more socially acceptable) for a man to express. It's worth sitting down with your father to talk about these feelings. While the words he speaks may initially hurt a lot, and make you angry, try to come straight out and ask your father if he's scared and/or sad about your hospitalization.

Lastly, please don't apologize for posting what is on your mind.

I hope that my advice and "wisdom" didn't hurt anyone.

[jen29]

Thanks so much for all of your comments/support. I did ask him after that day, I think the next day, if he was still mad at me, but he said that he just needed to get it out.
I do see that maybe a discussion about my hospitalizations affecting him would be needed or good for him. We have in the past talked about how it makes him worry and makes things difficult for both him and my step-mom when I am depressed and stuff. I have been thinking a lot about how my depression and life has affected both of them as well as my mom and step-dad...it's very overwhelming. I know it's hard on everyone that has been involved in my healing and seeing me in and out of the hospital this year as well as when I was in and out of the group home in the past. Lots of bad memories surround that, so won't go into the group home thing. My dad has done a lot of things in the past that have hurt not only me but the entire family meaning my brother and sister and of course my step-mom. They seemed to be able to get past that.
I am not sure when the best time to bring anything up with my dad would be. We have what is called a team meeting, where a social worker and my dad and step-mom and a friend are at the house for an hour talking about what I am doing/not doing for my recovery. So maybe it will be brought up there? My T asked if my dad should come back in for another session...I am not up for that right now.
Anyways, just seems their lives would be so much better if I wasn't around, and that may or may not be true.
take care and again thanks everyone,
jen

You are responsible for yourself. They are responsible for themselves. You have some difficult issues to deal with and that is where your focus belongs. It is not like you enjoy being unwell. Even if others do not totally understand what you are experiencing, the key still remains that the best way to help those around you is to help yourself.

Good luck.

[Junerain]

In my experience, 'stuffing' is not a good idea- I 'stuffed' nearly everything and never spoke like you did, directly.........I HAVE PAID THE PRICE SEVERELY............

Speaking directly does not come naturally to me...have to 'push..' myself to do so..

But it has made all the difference.....amen!!

[lonewanderer]

Sometimes you just have to ride the storm. New meds always work differently the first few months. try not to pick apart every emotion or you'll find that you will never be able to accept and control them. just be aware and if the emotion doesn't feel right. Stop, take a metal step back and look at the situation again. Not the Emotion, the Situation.