[Indie'sOK]

I googled "I say sorry all the time" and came up with this article - http://womenshealth.suite101.com/art...sorry_syndrome

It's interesting to me because I constantly apologize to my friends. My one friend in particular will yell at me "stop apologizing!". I do it if I brush past people, if I think i've slightly upset them or disagreed with them, etc. I think this has something to do with my always asking my friends "are you mad at me?" It's got to do with self-esteem issues, right? Seems like everything is caused by that. Does anyone else have a problem like this?

[bluegirl...?]

i say it on automatic basis. if somebody accidently hits Me, I'll say sorry! -my friends can get slightly annoyed when i start saying sorry for saying sorry i say sorry for stuff i dont even do and that are outta my control (my friend's dad is in the army and he has to go off for training and she had cried and i told her I Was Sorry --even though i had nothing to do with it--)

-i dont know what causes us and others to say sorry, but whatever it is, apparantly i have it; im a sorry-holic xD lol

[Indie'sOK]

I also say it when someone accidentally bumps me! I don't know, I feel like this a lot. I feel like a lot of people don't like me, that my friends are just putting up with me. The thing that brought on my sad feelings tonight is that my friend is very upset with my mom over something she said which I then told to him. He told his family, and now I'm worried that they don't like me anymore, even though it's my mom that said it in the first place!

[El-ahrairah]

I do it all the time to my bf and he gets so mad and yells at me to stop and at the point I HAVE to say im sorry back xD

I think it's because im not aggressive as a person and lack assertiveness.

[thine_self_untrue]

Oh my god. Story of my life. My friends yell at me for apologizing to them all the time. I apologize for things THEY do, for jokes I make, things I say... I'm a middle child and I've assumed the role as "appeaser". Someone has to balance things out.

[FooZe]

When I was in my teens I was playing (attempted) badminton with someone. Neither of us had had much practice so a lot of my hits fell short or went in unexpected directions. Every time that happened, I couldn't seem to stop myself from muttering, "Sorry!" Eventually the other person asked (told?) me to stop.

I'm pretty sure that what was at the back of my mind was that I'd been wanting her to like me but obviously I was never going to impress her with my crappy badminton skills. For some reason I wanted to make it clear that I knew my playing was terrible; I figured it would be far worse if I seemed not to even realize it.

Years later, a friend of mine mentioned that people had occasionally told her she apologized too much. She called herself "overapologetic" and seemed to be focusing more on not doing it (or showing she knew better) than on finding out what it was about for her. In retrospect I think she tended to project on me a bit, because she seemed to be waiting for me to be overapologetic to her so she could set me straight.

[/ramble]

[bluegirl...?]

well, one reason i think i do it is because i dont like people mad at me or mad peeople around me. its not like i think i dont deserve to be mad at, but its just the disappointment and GRRR-looks they give is too overwhelming for me, soi think thats where i get the 'sorry syndrome' from because i just want all to be okay >.<

[Rightletsgo]

I hear you. Felt compelled to apologize all my life. Obviously because I feel so low and have a poor view of myself. Until that changes I guess I'll always have the problem. I'm worried about what other people will think if I don't apologize. I guess I don't want them to think I don't care.

[Rohag]

Oh, yes! This "sorry syndrome" resonates!

I'm relatively isolated now, but I have frequently felt compelled to say "I'm sorry" or automatically assume blame for things that happen, even if I'm not at fault.

Funny Incident: A few weeks ago I was engaged in my "morning constitutional." The dog whined to go out. I spontaneously blurted out, "Excuse me, I need to tend to the dog." No one else was around. I sometimes talk to myself, but it shortly occurred to me I had actually addressed my own bodily function as if it were a person.

I ASKED FOR PARDON FROM MY OWN ... FUNCTION!

[paddym22]

Yep I am a prime example of this. In my case it is low self esteem and an inability to assert myself appropriatley. I know I can inappropriatley assert myself and then I despise my actions and spend a good deal of time apologising for my impulsivity. I need to engage my brain more!!

I have had this same issue, only it's my mother who's told me to stop apologizing- I've slowly yet surely learned to say
excuse me' instead of sorry and trained myself so that I don't always fel the need to apologize because I know (now) that my self-worth is the same as everyone else's in this world.

[splitimage]

For a long time, I thought saying sorry all the time was just an exagerated example of the stereotypical Canadian politeness. I used to say sorry a lot, but then so do all of my friends. It took me a while, but I eventually broke the habit. Years of working in a high profile job surrounded by male alpha jerks taught me assertiveness. It was either that or sink. Now I only apologize, if I've done something wrong.

If I bump into someone, I say "excuse me" instead.

--splitimage

Thanks Rohag---I had a good chuckle over your reply.....I do that to myself quite frequently...talking to myself!!!

[Ithinkimpsycho]

I do the exact same thing! I don't know what it is, I keep saying "sorry" for everything. If I was the reason that the moon was in the sky, I'd probably apologize for that too.

[venusss]

I had a friend who was like that. Once in our English class we had to ask (a hypothetical situation) somebody to open a window in a bus.

Hers was something like: "Excuse me, please, I am sorry to bother you, but would you, please, be so kind and open the window, please" (not sure how it exactly went, it's few years back). She got marked down on that too.

[lynn P.]

True it has everything to do with self esteem. Only say it when it's necessary. When you say sorry for simple things, this gives other people who might not be nice the wrong message - that you could be easily manipulated and they have control over your emotions. All they have to do is show the slightest displeasure and you'll say sorry. Practice mindfulness and think before you react- only say it when it's necessary only.

[shezbut]

YES!!

Always sorry. I apologize to doctors for taking up their time. I apologize to friends and bf for saying something silly, or whatever. People always tell me to stop apologizing, but it's like a word that automatically pops out of my mouth. Jeezzz!

My self-esteem is very, very low. I assume that's why I always take the blame and say, "I'm sorry."

http://www.associatedcontent.com/pop...ype_id=1514411

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by shezbut

My self-esteem is very, very low. I assume that's why I always take the blame and say, "I'm sorry."

Shez, what do you suppose would happen if (at some more or less appropriate time) you tried not apologizing? I mean that both ways: what would anyone else say or do differently and what would come up for you?

We could speculate that your self-esteem is low and that's why you apologize. Better try looking at that the other way around too, though, just in case it happens to fit better: could it be that your self-esteem is low in part because you apologize when you don't really think it's called for?


FooZe

-------------------------------
Looking at stuff the other way around since... you don't really want to know how long.

[ruffy]

Ive even apoligized to God on several occasions for picking my nose during private prayer, siting, "Lord, I wouldnt even do that in front of my sister while talking to her, and here I am doing it while talking to you, so sorry." Sorry guys, I know thats a gross analogy, but its true... ooops there I go again.

[seeker1950]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

True it has everything to do with self esteem. Only say it when it's necessary. When you say sorry for simple things, this gives other people who might not be nice the wrong message - that you could be easily manipulated and they have control over your emotions. All they have to do is show the slightest displeasure and you'll say sorry. Practice mindfulness and think before you react- only say it when it's necessary only.

I like what LynnP said, and it is so true...to do with low self-esteem. Also, to practice mindfulness about your responses. Of course, easier said than done when a behavior is established from early life onward, as it has been in my own exp. Once, in my 30's a counselor said to me, "You know, you're entitled to your 2 square feet of earth!" .... which was probably in response to my apologizing for my problems or my very presence in his office!
Splitimage mentioned becoming less apologetic as a result of working in a male-dominated situation, and my own work situation has cured me of this sorry syndrome somewhat as well. I still do it, but, as lynnp says, am much more mindful and aware of it, so do it less.

[Indie'sOK]

Thanks everyone for your replies I will work on becoming more mindful of it, now that I know what my reasons for it are.

[Skully]

Thanks for the link. I too do the same thing all the time. I am always saying I am sorry even when things aren't my fault!

[shezbut]

Interesting idea, Fool Zero.

[eskielover]

Sometimes when we start off life trying to establish our self-confidence, we do tend to apologize a lot. Think some training when we are young was to say we were sorry for things that we did wrong......but overdoing it then becomes a habit......habits are so hard to break as we have to be aware that it's a habit before we realize there is an issue.......as Lynn & Seeker said....it's being mindful of what we are saying & hearing what we say & stopping it from coming out before the word flows out the mouth.

I know that when I was young, I realized that I was saying "sorry" for things that there was no need to be sorry for.

My favorite movie "Anne of Green Gables" had a line in it that I absolutely loved when she was forced to apologize for something she wasn't really sorry for (being aware of whether we really are sorry for something is also important). She had blown up at a nosy neighbor lady & was sent to her room & told she couldn't come out until she apologized. The uncle came in & told her to put the apology into words that she could honestly say which came out something like this (can't remember exactly)"I am sorry that you said what you said that caused me to say what I said" that way she was showing that she wasn't taking complete blame for the situation, but making it into apology appeased the other person & they heard it as an apology more than hearing the actual words that were being said. That taught me a lot about how to apologize honestly.