[Chase64]

Hello my name is Chase and I'm writing this due to concerns / realizations I've stumbled upon over the past years in my mental state. I guess to start off, my mental state has never been a good one, I've been self harming for about 5 years now with constant suicidal thoughts here and there plus a few failed attempts. These are things I can handle,things that don't worry me much but there are some things that are hard to explain that catch me off guard sometimes.
Like when I have to restrict myself from thinking because I swear people can hear my thoughts. Or how I always act as if someone is watching because I believe some people have powers to watch me at all times or maybe the government is watching me through my computer monitor.
Like when I have these strong impulsive thoughts that practically scream at me to break my arm or bash my head against the wall. No one would care anyway.
Like how ever time I so much as speak to someone, even someone I've known for years, and feel dejected in every way if they show the smallest disinterest.
Sometimes I don't even think some people are real, I don't even think I'm real anymore.
Lately I swear I hear whispers and shadows out of the corner of my eye but I'm always to scared to ask if someone hears it too.
All I want to do is sleep but I can't because I can't let anyone down.
Then there's these other violent scenes that flash across my mind of dead animals and people.
Everyone says that I should talk to people about my problems but for me it's physically impossible. I can't trust other people at all and I can't consider anyone my friend.
All of these things (and more) have made living unbearable and I'm really in a rut of wanting to kill myself but I'm afraid to fail and have my family disappointed in me again.
I just want to give up.

First of all Chase, welcom to the board. You will find some kindhearted souls here who will offer you both support and words of advice.

There are matters though where one is reluctant to do so. And that includes the offering up answers to assigning labels and diagnoses to one's condition.

This should only be done by a professional.

I think it still fair though to point to broader categories. Perhaps Mood Disorders might be something you could discuss with your doctor.

Speaking of resources....

How old are you if I may ask?

If you are still in school, it is a good idea to talk to your guidance counselor. They can make some appointments for you and offer some resources.

Otherwise, my idea is that you start with your family physician. They will make an initial assessment for which to find you a referral to a professional - I recommend this be a psychiatrist.

In the meantime, do you have access to an EAP (Employee Assistance Plan)? Please this shouldn't be confused with an employee health insurance plan. An EAP is a 'clearing house' of resources and information. They can also help with lining you up with professional help (entirely confidential so work won't know), etc.

I personally have experienced these things. The best thing I did was cry for help. And then of course reaching out.

[Chase64]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

First of all Chase, welcom to the board. You will find some kindhearted souls here who will offer you both support and words of advice.

There are matters though where one is reluctant to do so. And that includes the offering up answers to assigning labels and diagnoses to one's condition.

This should only be done by a professional.

I think it still fair though to point to broader categories. Perhaps Mood Disorders might be something you could discuss with your doctor.

Speaking of resources....

How old are you if I may ask?

If you are still in school, it is a good idea to talk to your guidance counselor. They can make some appointments for you and offer some resources.

Otherwise, my idea is that you start with your family physician. They will make an initial assessment for which to find you a referral to a professional - I recommend this be a psychiatrist.

In the meantime, do you have access to an EAP (Employee Assistance Plan)? Please this shouldn't be confused with an employee health insurance plan. An EAP is a 'clearing house' of resources and information. They can also help with lining you up with professional help (entirely confidential so work won't know), etc.

I personally have experienced these things. The best thing I did was cry for help. And then of course reaching out.

Hello, thank you for your reply and advice.
I am still in school and I have been sent to my school therapist many times but I am not able to do much because I live with my father who sees these thing as a weakness.
While I had therapy out of school it didnt help much either, I don't have insurance and my father is quite stingy when it comes to money but in a year I will be out of this house so I guess I will have to wait till then or something.

[MickeyCheeky]

Hi, welcome I think you should have a serious talk with your father about this and explain to him why these things bothers you so much.. although you probably have already tried.. :/

Good luck for everything!

[TishaBuv]

You are describing depressed feelings and paranoid feelings. I can tell you know those paranoid thoughts (about people reading your thoughts) are not true, because you are aware they are not accurate and are a problem for you.

I'm sorry you are suffering alone with this. Reading and posting here may help.

The way your brain is functioning may be able to be controlled with meds. Please try to trust doctors enough to seek help. It can make a huge difference.

[More]

Originally Posted by Chase64

Hello my name is Chase and I'm writing this due to concerns / realizations I've stumbled upon over the past years in my mental state. I guess to start off, my mental state has never been a good one, I've been self harming for about 5 years now with constant suicidal thoughts here and there plus a few failed attempts. These are things I can handle,things that don't worry me much but there are some things that are hard to explain that catch me off guard sometimes.
Like when I have to restrict myself from thinking because I swear people can hear my thoughts. Or how I always act as if someone is watching because I believe some people have powers to watch me at all times or maybe the government is watching me through my computer monitor.
Like when I have these strong impulsive thoughts that practically scream at me to break my arm or bash my head against the wall. No one would care anyway.
Like how ever time I so much as speak to someone, even someone I've known for years, and feel dejected in every way if they show the smallest disinterest.
Sometimes I don't even think some people are real, I don't even think I'm real anymore.
Lately I swear I hear whispers and shadows out of the corner of my eye but I'm always to scared to ask if someone hears it too.
All I want to do is sleep but I can't because I can't let anyone down.
Then there's these other violent scenes that flash across my mind of dead animals and people.
Everyone says that I should talk to people about my problems but for me it's physically impossible. I can't trust other people at all and I can't consider anyone my friend.
All of these things (and more) have made living unbearable and I'm really in a rut of wanting to kill myself but I'm afraid to fail and have my family disappointed in me again.
I just want to give up.

Hello Chase,

First of all, don't ever give up! You being able to come here and expressing yourself means you can and want to be helped. My son just had 1st or 2nd episode of paranoia similar to what you have described and the doc said it was delusion of reference. After starting medication ( olanzapine ) into 2nd week now, his condition improved so much, that he was able to resume school again.
I am not sure how it works in where you are, but you need see psychiatrist doctor to help you but I think you need to convince your dad to help you and try to find some charitable of sort to start if financially strapped.
How old are may I ask? Late teens/early twenties? Get help and you will get better soon.

[NotDeadYet]

Dang, I kinda experience the same thing, with the paranoia and whatnot, except for in different ways (I.e cameras are set up watching me, I was sent here for some special reason, nothing exsists, ECT) it sucks when one of them is stuck in a limbo of "it's real" but you know it's not. I know therapist and doctors can be scary, they scare me too but to get better they are kinda the only ones that can help? If money is an issue there is free stuff out there and Bank also offers help. I hope you the best and that you can get the help you need